Vaurien Scapegrace: Last Stand of Dead Men
by Onyx Sprita
Summary: Drabble series. Warning: may not actually contain Vaurien Scapegrace, a last stand, or any dead men. First few chapters have been edited and are now slightly less rubbish!
1. Walrus

It was a beautiful summer's day, and Valkyrie Cain, Fletcher Renn and China Sorrows were in Thurid Guild's bathroom.

China, who was perched elegantly on the edge of the bathtub, examined her fingernails idly as she said, "So, remind me dears. What exactly are we doing here again? This is disconcerting. From here I can see Guild's hairs in the plughole of his shower and the mental images flooding into my head like tepid bathwater are making me quite bilious."

Fletcher beamed. "We're going to do something bad! Aren't we, Valkyrie?"

"Yes," she agreed solemnly. "I don't know what we're going to do yet... but it's going to be bad."

Cue the sudden and surprising entry of everyone's - well, most people's - favourite skeleton detective, Skulduggery Pleasant. "Sorry I'm late," he said. "I brought Clarabelle and a walrus."

Clarabelle looked around happily. "Hi guys! This is a nice bathroom. Why did you decide to come to a bathroom? I like the way you've done your hair today, Fletcher."

Fletcher stared at her. "What?"

"I said, I like the way you've done your hair today, Fletcher."

"Are you making fun of me?"

Clarabelle frowned. "No. I genuinely like the way you've done your hair today."

Fletcher dropped to his knees. "Marry me."

"Sorry," said Clarabelle. "I'm dating Bob."

"Who's Bob?"

"I can't tell you."

"Is it the walrus?"

"Yes."

Valkyrie, who had been paying no attention to this odd exchange whatsoever, announced, "Guys, I know what we're going to do in here! Let's leave the walrus in Guild's bathtub as a surprise."

Skulduggery shook his head. "That won't work. Guild never takes a bath."

"The sink then," suggested Fletcher. "Everybody uses the sink, or at least he'll have to look in the mirror above the sink so he can do his hair..."

Skulduggery sighed. "Guild barely has any hair." He paused. "And how would a walrus even fit in the sink?"

Valkyrie attempted to get the conversation back on track. "OK, then. Let's just leave him on the floor."

Skulduggery nodded enthusiastically. "Excellent idea, Valkyrie! Oh, wouldn't I love to see old Thurid walk into his bathroom only to discover a walrus on the floor."

China grimaced. "Well, too bad we won't get to see it then. I'm not staying until he arrives, I'm getting out of here. My head is still full of disgusting mental images that can only be erased by my beautiful ancient book collection."

They heard the sound of a door opening somewhere else in the house.

"Quick!" Skulduggery hissed at Fletcher. "Teleport us!"

They all joined hands and the bathroom disappeared, to be replaced by the much nicer surroundings of Gordon Edgley's living room.

"Fletcher, you idiot!" cried Skulduggery when they'd all gotten over their teleportation-sickness. "You teleported the bloody walrus too!"

"I didn't mean to!" Fletcher protested. "Clarabelle grabbed onto its ear at the last minute!"

Clarabelle looked grave. "I couldn't leave my boyfriend."

There was silence.


	2. DIY

**A/N: Any lines you recognize are a tribute to Potter Puppet Pals. (I call it a tribute, but really I mean 'shameless plagiarism.') When you visualize this in your head, try to imagine all the characters talking in Potter Puppet Pals voices, it works better. xD**

Valkyrie looked at the pigeon and the pigeon looked at Valkyrie.

"Hello," she said to it. "What's your name?"

It didn't answer.

"I'm Valkyrie Cain," she told it. "I mean every word I ever say, ever. Because I'm Valkyrie Cain."

The pigeon looked at her and flew away. Valkyrie suddenly felt very alone.

She heard someone teleport in behind her. She really hoped it was Ghastly.

"Hello, Valkyrie! I knew you were here because of the theme music!"

Nope, definitely not Ghastly. She sighed and turned around. "Hello, Fletcher. I knew you were here because of the smell."

As Fletcher's spirits fell, so did his hair. "Why must you hurt me in this way Valkyrie?" he asked mournfully, pushing it out of his eyes.

Tanith wandered in from the kitchen. "Yeah, what's your problem, Valkyrie?"

"I'm bored."

Tanith beamed. "Great, let's play Truth or Dare!"

Valkyrie shrugged listlessly. "Yeah, OK."

"Don't leave me out!" chirped Fletcher.

"We'd never leave you out."

Fletcher's hair stood up again with happiness.

"OK, who goes first?" said Tanith. "Valkyrie? Truth or dare, Val?"

"Dare."

"I dare you to go up to China Sorrows and tell her she has bad breath."

Fletcher giggled nervously. Valkyrie sat up as if someone had tasered her. "Are you fucking insane?!"

Fletcher's eyes widened. "Valkyrie swore!"

Tanith ignored him and spoke to Valkyrie with an evil glint in her eye. "You can either do that or answer a Truth question. And I know what question that will be and it will involve my hamster which got suffocated - "

Valkyrie slumped. "OK, OK, I'll do the dare. Fletcher, to the library!"

"To the library!" yelled Tanith.

"But Valkyrie might get eaten - "

"TO THE LIBRARY!"

"OK, OK, fine!"

He took their hands and teleported them to the library.

China was busy un-friending Anton Shudder on Facebook when they walked in. "Ah, Valkyrie, Tanith, Fletcher, to what do I owe the *cough* pleasure?" she said, glancing up.

Valkyrie sat down opposite her. "Look, I need to tell you something. Please don't take offence."

China raised an eyebrow. "OK?"

Valkyrie swallowed. "Well, erm, it's about your... breath."

"My _what_?"

"China, you know I respect you a lot. And I'm only saying this because I care so much, and I want to help you - "

"What _about _my breath?"

"Well... erm... it smells."

China stood up, her eyes flashing. "EXCUSE ME?"

Valkyrie froze with terror, but Fletcher grabbed her and they teleported back to Gordon's house. Valkyrie collapsed onto the couch, her legs weak.

"There. I did it. Happy?"

Fletcher stared at her with adoration. "You're amazing, Valkyrie."

The door flew open and Skulduggery strode in.

"Wanna play Truth or Dare?" Tanith asked him.

Skulduggery nodded. "I just beat up an old acquaintance after he revealed to me that he was the one who stole my Little House on the Prairie box set. So yes, I think I am in need of some light entertainment."

"Truth or Dare?" said Valkyrie.

"Dare."

"Buy some green paint," said Fletcher.

Skulduggery stared. "What?"

"Or any colour, really, it doesn't matter," Fletcher amended.

"How is that even a dare?" said Tanith exasperatedly.

Skulduggery shook his head. "Sorry, Tanith, he dared me, I must do it. Just let me head to Woodies DIY for some green paint." And he left - with style.

Ten uneventful minutes later, Skulduggery came back - with style. "I'm back! You didn't say how much I had to buy so I bought twelve cans and now I don't know what to do with it all."

*two hours later*

At the Hibernian, Kenspeckle was hyperventilating. "Skulduggery, they're - they're _green_ - "

Skulduggery hung his head. "We're sorry. We gave Clarabelle some paint because we didn't need it. We didn't think she'd paint all your patients green..."

Kenspeckle stared at him, wild-eyed. "They're getting the paint scraped off, but it might not work. They might stay _green _forever!"

"It's a very nice shade, actually, forest sage I think it's called," Fletcher remarked.

Skulduggery nodded in agreement. "Hmmm, that it is."

Tanith smiled. "It is pretty, isn't it?"

Kenspeckle took a deep breath to roar at them. "YOU - wait, you're right. That is a nice colour. That would look fantastic in my living room!"

Fletcher spontaneously combusted.

**A/N: Sorry, the ending bored me so I decided to spice it up a bit :)**

**He comes back to life for the next chapter. I don't know how, but he does.**


	3. Caelan Has An OMG Moment

"Hello Caelan."

Caelan looked at her. "Sup."

Valkyrie took a step back. "Did you just say sup?"

Caelan smiled fondly at the look of endearing confusion on Valkyrie's face. "As if you didn't hear me... LOL!"

"Caelan, why are you talking all modernly?"

"IDK."

"This is very out of character for you."

"LMAO."

Valkyrie decided to ignore the vampire's strange behavior and pressed on: "Caelan, I have something important to say."

Caelan stared at her. Could it be...? "OMG!"

Valkyrie sighed. "OK, I can't do this. Not when you're talking all weird."

"Soz." Valkyrie had never heard that word used unironically before.

"Caelan, I'm serious. I need to tell you something very important. Are you ready to hear this?"

He gave her a reassuring smile - well, the closest a vampire could get to a reassuring smile. "Totes magoats, babes."

Valkyrie got fed up and stormed off.

Caelan watched her go and slumped against the wall. "Devo," he muttered to himself.

Some time later...

_My dear Valkyrie,_

_I apologize if my brief stint experimenting with urban slang irritated you. I was googling (God I love that word) and discovered the urban dictionary, so I thought I would experiment. To 'get down with the yoof', if you will. I simply find it somewhat refreshing to speak in such a way, seeing as my large vocabulary would nowadays seem a little odd and old-fashioned. That, and the fact that I thought if I acted as though I were a n00b like Fletcher, you might like me more, since you seem to like him so much, for some inexplicable reason..._

_Anyway, you told me you had something important to tell me. Please don't keep it to yourself. I am dying to hear it, because I have a feeling it may be something I have wanted to hear you say since the moment I met you._

_All my love, Caelan._

"Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph," Valkyrie groaned.

Tanith wandered in. For some reason, she always seems to be in the vicinity. "Hey Val. Whatcha doin'? Want an avocado?"

Fletcher, who was also in the vicinity for some reason, said, "Did somebody say avocado?"

"I said avocado!" said Tanith. "How did you kno - "

Valkyrie almost exploded, like Kenspeckle the time he accidentally sat on a geyser at Yellowstone. _"Go away, Fletcher!"_

Suddenly inspired by the angst Valkyrie was filling him with, Fletcher whipped out his emergency hairbrush and started to sing Matt Cardle's 2010 X Factor winning single, _When We Collide,_ into it. Tanith closed her eyes and groaned.

"Fletcher, please. I've met bread that can sing better than you."

"Thank you, Simon Cowell," muttered Fletcher, glaring at her before shuffling away with his head bowed and his dreams of stardom in pieces.

Valkyrie turned back to Tanith. "Well, _anyway, _today I told Caelan that I needed to tell him something important, but he was talking all weird so I got fed up and walked away without telling him. Now he seems to think that I was going to tell him I loved him."

Tanith's eyes widened. Valkyrie could almost her gossip radar beeping madly. "Oh my giddy aunt! And were you really about to tell him that?"

"Nooo!" Valkyrie wailed. "I was going to tell him that his fly was open!"

"Lolz."

**A/N: Sorry. I try my best.**

**I almost forgot the part where I state the obvious by reminding you that I don't own stuff. I don't own Valkyrie, Tanith, Fletcher, Caelan, or Simon Cowell and his army of adoring middle-aged women named Shirley. (No offence to anybody named Shirley who happen to be reading this. It's just that all the people who call in to the show seem to be named Shirley). **

**I think I've said too much about Simon Cowell. I'm gonna shut up before I get sued. BUT FIRST: THE ALL IMPORTANT QUESTION - Which is better: Fletchyrie or Valan? The ship with the most votes gets a chapter about it. I'm not that good at romance, but I'll try :) **


	4. Zombies 1: Ghastly's Adventure

**Ghastly's Adventure Part One**

**A/N: This chapter is extremely short, but it's to be continued. I hope. Teensy bit of Ghanith (and I mean really microscopic, if you blink you'll miss it, but at least it's there!) The chapter after that is gonna be either Fletchyrie or Valan, so keep on voting and THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! Hope this isn't too awful! :)**

**Disclaimers: I don't Ghastly, Tanith, or Ghastly's van. Ghastly's van is cool.**

The man walking down the street wore a nice coat and a nice hat. His face was scarred, but the scars weren't visible, obscured by the brim of his hat and the collar of his coat.

His step was light but measured. His hands were in his pockets. His eyes were fixed on the ground.

He was Ghastly Bespoke. OH YEAH.

Anyway, Ghastly heard more footsteps, these ones coming towards him. He reached under the collar of his coat and tapped his collarbones. The scars shrank back underneath his skin and he lifted the brim of his hat just enough to see who was coming. Then he took the hat off altogether, it was just getting in the way.

The man opposite him stopped and smiled. He was tall and thin and had an overbite.

'Mr. Ghastly Bespoke,' the man said with a creepy smile. 'We meet again.'

'I've never met you before.'

'I know, but I've always wanted to say that.'

Ghastly lunged and the man blocked him effortlessly, sending Ghastly stumbling back, snarling. But he didn't have time to think, which was a pity, because the next move he made was idiotic. He tried to do a flip like Tanith had taught him on one of their dates but ended up rolling over and groaning and the man elbowed him in the back on the way down and he went flying. Ghastly tried to get up but the man stood on his head. Oh the pain. Ghastly raised his head, grunting with effort, and catapulted the man off (the man was surprisingly light). The man hit a lamppost and snarled, running at Ghastly, but Ghastly ran right past, which the man had obviously not been expecting, and got in his van, driving away like a lunatic at ninety miles per hour.

About five minutes later he got stuck in traffic.

Damn, he thought worriedly, looking in the wing mirror to see if the man was anywhere to be seen. He was cursing himself for being such a coward as to drive away but that catastrophe of a flip had embarrassed him so much that he never wanted to see his opponent again.

The only question raging in his mind was: Who _was _that guy?

He saw the man walk further down the pavement and wave at Ghastly. Ghastly waved back and mouthed 'no hard feelings' through the window. Then he thumbed his nose. The man looked infuriated and stalked away. Ghastly sniggered to himself, then looked at the picture of Tanith he always kept on the dashboard. He smiled happily. She looked so pretty.

**Poor Ghastly, talk about OOC... :( thanks for reading, sorry it's so short, and remember to vote: FLETCHYRIE OR VALAN? That is the question.**


	5. Zombies 2: Fletcher Joins The Dark Side

**Ghastly's Adventure Part Two**

**A/N: This is part 2 of Ghastly's Adventure (duh) except Ghastly isn't actually in it this time. :( **

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I love you all! This chapter was based on a suggestion from mistymakesyalol who said 'maybe Fletcher and Scapegrace could go on an adventure or something.' So yeah, that's what's happening here, kind of. So special thanks to her! Hope this turns out OK...**

Fletcher Renn walked down the street, practising for when he was a male model. He walked slowly, trying to make his eyes look all smouldering, pausing occasionally to flick his hair or gaze wistfully into the distance.

Suddenly, all his instincts were telling him to teleport.

Fletcher stopped, confused. Why would he want to teleport? Was there danger lurking? He looked around frantically for any passing psychotic squirrels, but he saw none.

Then he felt someone tap his shoulder and jumped violently. He turned around and saw a man standing behind him.

The man was wearing a deerstalker hat and a huge fake moustache and glasses. His coat covered his nose and mouth and he had that unwashed smell. Fletcher wrinkled his nose.

'Good evening, sir,' the man said in a muffled voice. 'Are you Fletcher Renn, the last Teleporter?'

Fletcher nodded. 'And soon to be male model.' He flicked his hair again.

'I'm Elvis O'Carroll. I'd like to ask you to do a job for me.'

'I'm not rehoming any more sharks.'

'No, it's nothing like that.'

'Well, whatever it is, I'm not interested. I already have a glittering modelling career ahead of me. I don't need anything else. Goodbye.' He started to walk away but Elvis O'Carroll hurried after him.

'At least let me give you my card.'

Fletcher shrugged and took it. 'OK, but don't be expecting my call or anything like that. It's probably not going to happen.'

Elvis O'Carroll nodded. 'Thank you for your time.'

He walked away.

'Weird guy,' said Fletcher to himself before teleporting back to Gordon's living room. Skulduggery, Tanith and Ghastly were all there, laughing their heads off about something.

'What's so funny?' Fletcher asked them.

They looked at him and laughed harder.

'Oi,' said Fletcher, beginning to feel hurt. 'What's so funny?'

They just kept on looking at him and laughing.

'None of your business, hedgehog head,' said Skulduggery when he was able to breathe again.

'Hedgehog head...' giggled Tanith, and that set them all off again. Fletcher stormed off upstairs to Valkyrie's room...

...where a horrific sight met his eyes.

Caelan.

And Valkyrie.

Kissing.

HIS Valkyrie.

Kissing that fricking leech.

Fletcher took a step back. They hadn't noticed him. He vanished, reappeared in an alleyway and put his head in his hands. What had he done to deserve this? He was an amazing person. Why didn't all the bad stuff happen to someone else like Ghastly?

It sucked.

_Everyone hates me_, Fletcher suddenly realised. _Not even my own girlfriend cares. I'm the last Teleporter alive and no-one understands me. No-one gets me. My life stinks._

He shed a silent tear.

_Everyone hates me - except -_

Who was that guy who'd given him the card? He dug it out. Elvis O'Carroll, 0374219965.

Hmmm.

So here was a guy who actually appreciated Fletcher's abilities. He'd even said good evening to him for God's sake. He hadn't gotten so much as a hello from any of his so-called friends in weeks. They mostly just acted like he wasn't even there.

Granted, he didn't exactly KNOW Fletcher yet, but still. It was something.

Fletcher had a sudden flashback of Valkyrie and Caelan kissing, and with a sudden rush of anger he pulled out his phone and dialled the number.

In an alleyway behind McDonald's, Vaurien Scapegrace took off his false moustache and glasses, cackled with glee and answered his phone.

**A/N: So there you have it. **

**FLETCHER'S JOINED THE DARK SIDE. **

**I still haven't written the Valan/Fletchyrie chapter yet, and anyway I think it's a draw with the votes so far. So keep voting if you want :) **

**And, yeah, there is going to be a part three. This is turning out longer than I expected... :(**


	6. Zombies 3: Fletcher Is Nearly Zombified

**Zombies Part Three: Just The Way You Are**

**A/N: Thank you so much to all the reviewers! You rock! This is the third and final installment of the ... zombie thing. Enjoy XD**

**Disclaimers: I'm not Derek Landy and the song lyrics belong to Bruno Mars.**

'Fletcher Renn,' Vaurien Scapegrace announced dramatically, 'prepare to meet my zombie army.'

Fletcher blinked. Standing in front of him was one lonely-looking figure, dressed in a pink flowery apron and a balaclava.

'That's your zombie army? Just one little zombie? In an apron? Who smells like cookies?'

'He's a bit of a domestic goddess,' said Scapegrace fondly, looking fondly at his balaclava-clad minion. 'You can take off the balaclava Thrasher, we're among friends.'

'It's not that,' mumbled Thrasher in a muffled voice.

'Then what is it?'

'My nose has fallen off.'

Scapegrace rolled his eyes. 'You're pathetic.'

'Sorry, Master.'

'Still,' said Scapegrace, looking slightly happier, 'we have you now, don't we, Fletcher? That might make our army a tad bit more impressive...'

'You want to turn me into a zombie?' said Fletcher, the truth finally dawning on him.

'And the boy finally cops on,' muttered Scapegrace.

'Um, no offence, but I don't want to be a zombie. They smell really bad and what modelling agency would sign someone who keeps misplacing random body parts?'

'Modelling,' scoffed Scapegrace. 'That's work for idiots. _This_ is a _real_ career, boy. You could work for the legendary Killer Supreme - '

'Who's that?'

Scapegrace looked offended.

'Oh, right. You. Sorry.'

'You could be feared by all for the evil work we do, overturning dustbins, scaring cats - everyone is terrified of us.' Seeing that he wasn't exactly convincing Fletcher, he added, 'And anyway, it's not like you have anywhere else to go, is it?'

'True,' Fletcher agreed sadly.

'Then welcome to the dark side.' Scapegrace threw back his head and laughed evilly.

'Want a cookie?' offered Thrasher.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie Cain was wandering the streets, lonely, cold and alone, looking for Fletcher while tears dripped down her pale, beautiful cheeks.

'Fletcher, come baaaaaaaack... I'm sorry! It wasn't what it looked like! Fletcher, where are you?'

Passers-by gave her odd looks as the rain mingled with the tears on her face. Tanith was there too, but she was sort of hanging behind and pretending not to know her, out of understandable embarrassment.

Looking for comfort, Valkyrie hugged a lamp-post. 'Fletcher, don't gooooooo...' She broke down completely in floods of tears. Tanith finally went over to where her friend was sitting hunched on the ground crying hysterically.

'It's wasn't my fault!' Valkyrie wailed.

'I know,' said Tanith, uncomfortably. 'Listen, Val, we should go home. It's raining pretty heavily and we don't want you to catch pneumonia...'

'I don't care about pneumonia... I don't care about anything anymore...'

Tanith felt bad for Val, but she was also losing her patience. She was getting soaked and she was wearing her trademark not-very-waterproof clothing.

'Val, right now he could be in Australia or Iceland or... or anywhere. There's no point looking for him. Just come home, OK? I'll make you a nice warm cup of tea.'

But Valkyrie didn't move.

Tanith sneezed. 'I'm sorry Valkyrie, but my health is in the balance here. Sit here and cry all you want, but it won't achieve anything. I'm going home and you should come with me.'

She strode off then turned around to see if Valkyrie was following. She wasn't.

Tanith shrugged, and headed the rest of the way back to Ghastly's. She did feel guilty - very guilty - but she also felt freezing and wet, and anyway she was sure Valkyrie would see sense soon enough.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie remained sitting on the pavement with her chin on her knees. Some passers-by thought she was homeless and thew money at her, which she did not appreciate, but she was too upset to yell at them for their mistake.

Then she heard someone singing, and she recognized the song. It was _Just The Way You Are _by Bruno Mars. Fletcher used to sing that song to his reflection all the time!

'_When I see your faaaaace... there's not a thing that I would change... cos you're amazing, just the way you are...'_

She got up, as if in a trance, and followed the sound of the singing.

_'And when you smile... the whole world stops and stares for a while... cos you're amazing... just the way you are.'_

She turned into an alleyway and broke into a sprint.

_'His eyes, his eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining...'_

He was standing there, leaning against the wall, singing to a hand-mirror. As she skidded to a halt in front of him, he brought the mirror to his face and kissed it.

'_His hair, his hair, sticks up perfectly without him trying...' _He looked up and saw her._ '_Valkyrie?'

She stared at him. 'What the hell are you doing?'

'Oh, I just escaped from Scapegrace's horde of - ' He stopped and took a step back, eyes narrowed. 'Why am I even talking to you? You betrayed me!'

'It was the reflection you saw kissing Caelan,' Valkyrie said quietly. 'Not me.'

Fletcher's eyes widened. 'Ohhhh.'

'You should've known I'd never cheat on you!'

Fletcher cleared his throat and looked at the ground, embarrassed.

'I can't believe you actually ran away and joined the army. The _zombie_ army.'

'Well, it wasn't just that!' said Fletcher defensively. 'I walked into a room and they all started laughing at me...'

'You had a toucan on your head.'

'...What?'

'They told me. You had a toucan on your head.'

'How did I not notice that?'

'You never had the best observational skills,' said Valkyrie fondly.

'Yeah,' said Fletcher, smiling, and leaned in to kiss her.

Meanwhile, Ghastly Bespoke strode down the street looking for his mystery attacker. He hadn't been planning on coming today, but earlier that day he'd noticed that his absolute favourite pair of Guccis which he had spent all night polishing (much to Tanith's annoyance) were gone.

GONE.

Whoever had done this to him would pay...

...with their lives.

'Don't worry babies,' Ghastly muttered. 'I'm coming for ya.'

**A/N: And so ends the three-part Zombie Saga.**

**Yay.**

**Review? *puppy eyes***


	7. Dammit, Tanith

**Damn It, Tanith**

**A/N: Based on the song **_**Damn It, Janet **_**from The Rocky Horror Picture Show XD I left out some of it because I couldn't think of a rhyme for Ghastly...**

**DISCLAIMERS: I don't own Ghastly and Tanith and I don't own the lyrics. **

Ghastly Bespoke cleared his throat and checked his pocket to make sure the box was still there. Yes, it was. That was a relief. The ring had cost nearly as much as his shoes.

"Tanith?"

"Yes, Ghastly?"

The music started. Tanith looked around, confused, but Ghastly ploughed on determinedly.

"I've got something to say..."

"Uh-huh?"

"I really loved the...

..Skilful way...

...You beat the other girls

To the bride's bouquet."

Tanith laughed. "Oh, Ghastly..."

**The road it was long but I ran it (Tanith)**

**The river was deep but I swam it (Tanith)**

**If there's one fool for you than I am it (Tanith)**

**Damn it, Tanith, I love you...**

**Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker**

**There's three ways that love can grow**

**That's good, bad, or mediocre**

**Oh Tanith, Tanith Low, I love you so**

"Whu - you're asking me to marry you?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

BLACKOUT.

**A/N: Weird, short drabble with a weird, sudden ending... but yeah. It just came into my head. XD**


	8. Girl Talk

**Girl Talk**

**A/N: Veryveryvery OOC Sea Hag. Well, I don't think anyone I've written about so far has been in character, so...**

**Kudos to all the people who reviewed, for taking the time to read and comment! **

**Disclaimers: Don't own anything you recognize. And there are references to Potter Puppet Pals, as well.**

"Hello there! I'm Valkyrie Cain and it's a beautiful day here in Glendalough, where I have come to mope because my best friend was taken over by a Remnant!"

"Every day is beautiful with you here, Valkyrie!"

"I kno - hey, that's Fletcher's line. Sea Hag? What are _you _doing up here? You know I don't like you. And I don't like people I don't like."

"I know, Valkyrie! But you know, I'm just fed up living in this lake all by myself. I'm lonely. I fancy some girl talk. Did you know I haven't done my hair in over four hundred years?"

"Ouch. D'you want me to brush it for you?"

"That would be great, love. Would you like some tea?"

"Oh, yes please. No sugar."

Two hours later...

"And then Hannah Foley was all, 'but he said that she said that you said that he said it,' and I was like - "

"Oooh, when I was a Maiden of the Water, there was this other Maiden of the Water, her name was Aquamarine Weedkill - "

Valkyrie laughed. "What kind of a name is Aquamarine Weedkill?"

The Sea Hag chuckled. "I don't know..."

"There, I'm done brushing your hair! Maybe I can come back tomorrow and we can put it in curlers and - and - and - "

They heard a gentle cough and they turned around. Skulduggery was standing there, head tilted in a way that suggested he was utterly bemused.

"Skulduggery?"

"Um, what is going on?"

Later, in the Bentley...

"She's not that bad, you know, the Sea Hag," Valkyrie said.

Skulduggery concentrated on the road. "Riiight."

"Tomorrow she's going to paint my nails."

"OK."

"And I'm going to stop talking now."

"Good idea."

Scapegrace, tied up in the backseat, gave an emotional sniff. "The Sea Hag has a new friend. That's so sweet."

Thrasher grinned idiotically. "VALKYRIE AND THE SEA HAG - BEZZIE MATES!"

Skulduggery groaned.

**A/N: Well, that was random. But Valkyrie needs a new friend now Tanith's been possessed! **

**And I apologize for it being so pitifully short...**

**You know that overtype thing? GOD IT'S SO ANNOYING! I'm using WordPad and I can't get rid of it. It makes everything so bloody awkward. If you know how to get rid of it PLEASE TELL ME BEFORE I GO INSANE. XD**


	9. Undead Butterflies

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews, you're all lovely**** :D**

* * *

"Hello, I'm Valkyrie Cain and I'm at Fletcher Renn's funeral!"

"He's not dead, Val, just unconscious. Possibly comatose," Skulduggery corrected her, sounding unconcerned as he glared at the Teleporter's lifeless form.

"WELL WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO FUCKING COMATOSE JUST WHEN WE NEED HIM THE FUCKING MOST?" shrieked Tanith, who was freezing cold and furious.

"Because he's annoying like that?" suggested Ghastly.

"Well, if he isn't dead," said Valkyrie, bringing the conversation back to where it had started, "I'm going to kill him. Where the hell are we?"

"Let me see. Snowy wasteland, penguins and icebergs..." said China drily.

Valkyrie's eyes lit up. "NORTH CAROLINA!"

China shook her head. "You've been spending too much time with the Teleporter, I can see that. I didn't think stupidity was contagious, but... stay away from me."

"We're in Antarctica," said Skulduggery gloomily, "with no way back. Fletcher's completely out cold, none of the rest of us happen to have teleportation skills or a private jet - "

" - and I'm COMPLETELY not dressed for this weather!" added China dramatically.

"Basically, we are in something of a pickle," Skulduggery concluded with majesterial understatement.

A miserable silence fell as the five, minus Fletcher who was lying unconscious on the ground, stood there and shivered. Tanith made a half-hearted attempt to play poker with a penguin and lost all her life savings in ten minutes. Ghastly used snow to polish his loafers.

Valkyrie sat down beside Fletcher and stroked his hair until she realised that everyone was looking at her, so she looked away and whistled. China sang 'Single Ladies' to herself. Skulduggery tried to think of an escape plan and when that failed he ran off to make a snow angel.

Suddenly they heard a strange buzzing noise from above so they looked up and saw a strange pink blob hovering in the sky.

"Is it a bird?" asked Valkyrie, eyes wide.

"Is it a plane?" gasped Tanith, stealing her money back off the penguin while it was distracted.

"IT'S SCAPEGRACE AND THRASHER!" screamed Skulduggery.

He was right. As the blob grew closer they realised it was actually two blobs, and they had sparkly pink wings. Thrasher waved frantically at them when he got them in view and swerved slightly.

"OK, what are you guys now?" asked Valkyrie, unable to believe what she was seeing. "Zombie butterflies?"

"We were just drinking Red Bull," explained Scapegrace breathlessly. "It really does give you wings!"

"And they're ever so sparkly," beamed Thrasher, doing a little twirl in mid-air.

"Zombie butterflies... I've seen it all now," declared Skulduggery to no-one in particular.

"What are you guys doing here?" Thrasher asked happily.

"Never mind that. Can you get us out?" Skulduggery said.

"You'll owe me," warned Scapegrace.

"I know," said Skulduggery.

"Well, get a move on then," demanded Tanith, hopping out of reach of the now enraged penguin.

Thrasher and Scapegrace extended their hands. Valkyrie took Thrasher's hand and Tanith took Scapegrace's, with some reluctance as he looked as though he hadn't washed it since 1973, and Ghastly and Skulduggery took their other hands. China took hold of Skulduggery's ankle, with as much dignity as she could, and the zombie butterflies took off. Back on earth, the penguin shook its flipper at them.

"Feel all the wonder lifting your dreams, you can flyyyyyyyy..." sang Thrasher as they careered through the sky. "Fly to who you aaaare... climb upon your staaaar... you belieeeeeeve you'll find your wings... fly, fly to your heaaaaaaaart..."

Valkyrie went green.

It was a bumpy ride, as Scpegrace and Thrasher were about as reliable a mode of transport as a five-year-old taxi driver. Their passengers spent most of the journey in fear of their lives.

When they finally reached Irish soil again, Valkyrie stepped forward, wobbled on her feet and threw up.

Then she looked up. "Oh shit," she realised. "We left Fletcher in Antarctica."


	10. Steve The Ninja Penguin

**Steve The Ninja Penguin**

**A/N: This is a follow-up to Day of The Sparkly Undead Butterflies. Fletcher's still in Antarctica, so they have to get them back. Thanks for all your reviews! The Valan/Fletchyrie chapter is coming, I've been putting it off for a while :)**

**Personally, I REALLY don't want it to be Valan, but I still have to count the votes, so I don't know what it's going to be yet.**

'Fletcher? Where are you?' called Skulduggery, his voice echoing around the snowy wasteland.

'FLETCHER OHMYGOD WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?' Valkyrie screamed in a much more hysterical way.

'Something's not right here,' Tanith muttered, rubbing her hands together to warm them up while she peered around her suspiciously.

'OF COURSE SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT! FLETCHER'S GONE!' Valkyrie shrieked.

'No... I feel like someone's watching me.'

'Will you forget your paranoia and help me find my _angel_?'

'Fletcher's your _angel_? Since when?'

'Since recently!'

Tanith rolled her eyes and took another suspicious peer around her. 'This is creepy,' she muttered. Everyone ignored her.

'Surely he would have just teleported back by now?' said Skulduggery in an attempt to calm Valkyrie down.

'He was in a coma just two hours ago! A DEEP coma! No, he will NOT have teleported back by now!'

'OK, OK. Just a thought.'

'Anything could have happened! He could've drowned, died of frostbite, been eaten by a polar bear...'

'Who could have been eaten by a polar bear?' a voice said from behind them.

Valkyrie turned around and saw her blonde, perpetually confused boyfriend standing there. She made a strange squeaking sound and threw her arms around him, sobbing.

'She was a bit worried about you,' said Skulduggery casually.

'Val - can't - breathe - ' Fletcher gasped.

Valkyrie let go and stepped back. 'Well, you're alive, Fletch,' she said, her tone suddenly changing. 'That's good. Now please don't ever be such a moron again.'

'You're her angel, apparently,' Tanith told Fletcher with an evil grin on her face.

'I am?'

'I never said that!' Valkyrie shrieked.

'Yes you did!'

'No I didn't!'

'Did!'

'Didn't!'

'Did!'

'Didn't!'

'She did actually,' said another, oddly squeaky voice from behind them.

They turned around. Tanith screamed.

'Tanith Low, we meet again,' said a penguin.

'Stay away from me!' Tanith screamed.

'I just want what is rightfully mine!' the penguin said calmly.

'It was my money first!' Tanith retorted.

'You lost it in a game of poker. Now it's mine. Give it back or I'll sue.'

'You're a fricking penguin! What do _you_ need with money?' Tanith wailed.

'I want Mariah Carey's latest album, is that so wrong?'

Tanith turned slowly to the others, who were trying to hold in their laughter. Her eyes were wide and her face was pale. 'I think I'm going mad,' she whispered.

'Just give it the money, Tanith,' said Skulduggery, checking his watch. 'We have to get back soon.'

'Who are you calling _it_?' the penguin demanded, looking offended. 'I'm a he. My name is Steve.'

'Sorry, Steve.'

'I don't _have _the money anymore,' Tanith wailed. 'I spent it on a limited edition purple GHD and now I'm completely broke and living off Ghastly!'

Fletcher's eyes went all round. 'I have got to get my hands on that purple GHD,' he muttered under his breath.

Steve's eyes narrowed and he gritted his beak. 'I want revenge.'

'I'll pay you back when I have the cash!'

'I don't care about the cash anymore. This is about your treacherous behaviour. I must have revenge. REVENGE!'

He shook his flipper and waddled off. Fletcher silently took Valkyrie and Tanith's hands and Skulduggery took Valkyrie's other hand. They all vanished and reappeared in Gordon's mansion.

'My mother always told me!' Tanith lamented. 'Never piss off a penguin! And I was just like, yeah, mum, whatever. And now look at me! I didn't listen to her and now look at me! I have a psycho penguin after my blood!'

'It's only a penguin,' said Valkyrie soothingly. 'You've faced vampires and evil gods. How bad could it be?'

She was so wrong.

**A/N: Heh heh.**

**Sorry, that was a bit all over the place and confused, but it will make sense... in part two.**

**Yeah, there will be a part two. Tanith is about to face her most deadly opponent yet. Don't miss it XD**

**Please review!**


	11. Steve's Revenge

**Better Than Revenge**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! XD This is based on the song Better Than Revenge by Taylor Swift but obviously I have changed the lyrics to make them more penguin-y. **

**Intrigued? XD Read on.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Skulduggery Pleasant or Taylor Swift. Derek Landy owns Skulduggery Pleasant and Taylor Swift probably owns herself, or at least her record label does. Enjoy ;)**

_The story starts when it was cold and it was winter and_

_I had it all, I won the money fair and square I did_

_She came along she cheated me and let's hear the applause:_

_She took it faster than you can say sabotage_

Steve, dressed in a black ninja outfit, climbed expertly up the drainpipe and sat up on the window sill. Here he was - just a few feet away from the woman he wanted to murder. How he'd gotten here, to Dublin, was a long and complicated story which involved a Greenpeace helicopter, an easily knocked out Greenpeace helicopter pilot, and several thousand tons of Gorgonzola, but that no longer mattered. He was about to achieve his dream. He was about to gain his revenge.

_I never saw it coming, wouldn't have suspected it_

_I underestimated just who I was dealing with_

_I have to cause the pain, I'll beat that Tanith like a drum_

_She underestimated just who she was stealing from_

He was going to KILL her. She had robbed him of Mariah Carey's latest album and that was unforgivable. He had to hurt her. Badly.

He used his machete to break the window, then bellyflopped inside. He hit the ground - hard - winced in pain and then started crawling on his belly towards Tanith's bed, clutching his machete with sweaty flippers.

Tanith Low, your time has come, he thought.

_She's not a good guy, she's not what you think, yeah she's treacherous_

_Whoa-oh_

_Well I tracked her down, and I stalked her and found out her address_

_Whoa-oh_

_Soon she's gonna find stealing other people's cash in the South Pole won't make you many friends_

_She should keep in mind, she should keep in mind there is nothing I do better than revenge_

He couldn't quite reach her, so he piled a load of books on top of each other and hopped on top of them. He could see Tanith's peacefully sleeping head on the pillow, her golden curls framing it angelically. Well, she wasn't angelic. She'd taken all his money.

'You messed with the wroooooong penguin, Miss Low,' he muttered and raised the machete.

_She looks at life like it's a casino and she'll always win_

_She looks at me with this really scary evil grin_

_I think her ever-present sword is a little troubling_

_She thinks I'm psycho cos I'm a ninja stalker penguin thing_

Tanith's eyes opened just as the machete was inches from her face. She sat bolt upright and screamed and the movement caused Steve to tumble off the bed, giving Tanith time to speed-dial Fletcher and yell at him to teleport the evil penguin out of her bedroom.

_Well my evil plan didn't go quite the way I thought it'd go_

_The Renn kid took me straight back home and now I just don't really know._

_They don't teach you this in penguin school so it's up to me_

_To work out how best to kill that woman cos I'm still gonna make 'em see..._

Two days later and Steve was in in a twenty-two storey building far, far away from both Antarctica and Dublin, seething over his epic fail.

_That she's not a good guy, she's not what you think, yeah she's treacherous, whoa-oh_

_So I tracked her down and I stalked her and found out her address, whoa-oh_

_Soon she's gonna find stealing other people's cash in the South Pole won't make you many friends_

_She should keep in mind, she should keep in mind, there is nothing I do better than revenge_

He sat in his swivel chair and gazed out the window overlooking Volcano Base X. He watched the lava bubble and thought up nefarious plans.

Someday, Tanith Low, he thought. Someday I will get you.

_I'm just another thing for you to wave your sword at honey_

_You might have a GHD but haven't you heard?_

_I'm just another thing for you to wave your sword at honey_

_You might have a GHD but I'll get my own back_

Someday, he thought.

And then: Ooh, Mariah Carey's on the radio. I love this song.

THE END


	12. Fletchyrie vs Flikki

**A/N: Warning: contains Fletchyrie. Thank you for all your reviews, they are much appreciated :D (This is a re-upload, by the way).**

* * *

Mikki Adrianne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine (Mikki for short) was PERFECT.

She had long, silky hair - black with a purplish sheen - and huuuuuuuuuuge green eyes. She had beautifully shaped, rose-coloured lips and incredibly long, dark eyelashes, so that she looked like she was wearing mascara when she wasn't. (And lipstick and eyeliner and foundation). She had a perfect figure - curvy yet slim - and she had a huuuuuuuuge wardrobe of unbelievably cool and gorgeous clothes. In fact, her wardrobe was so huge that she never wore the same thing twice, not even socks. She wore them once and then threw them away. Mikki Adrianne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine was too cool to recycle socks.

And Fletcher Renn had fallen totally and irrevocably in love with her.

He was dating Valkyrie Cain, of course, but Mary - sorry, Mikki - naturally made him forget about that. SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. All she had to do was flutter those incredibly long, dark eyelashes and he was lost 5ever.

He tactfully broke the news to Val that he had met someone else. Val was upset, of course, but she understood. She knew she could never compete with the beauty, courage and wit of Mikki Adrianne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine.

Fletcher started going out with Mikki. He had never been so happy in all his life and everyone else was happy for him, apart from Valkyrie maybe. And Skulduggery and Tanith and Ghastly and China and Kenspeckle. But everyone else was.

The day of Fletcher and Mikki's wedding (and the creation of a new epic ship-name... FLIKKI), a very depressed Valkyrie went to visit China. 'Hey,' she said glumly.

'Hello, my dear Valkyrie,' said China, busy spamming Anton Shudder's email account. 'You look a little down.'

'Fletcher's in love with this random bitchy girl and they're getting married soon.'

'You mean Mikki?' China pressed Send, then closed her laptop and looked at Valkyrie properly. 'That girl is more than just a bitch, Valkyrie. She has unnatural powers... not dissimilar to mine.'

'You mean symbols?'

'No, I mean the power to make people fall in love with her.'

Valkyrie stared. 'Are you serious?'

'I'm _always _serious. Mikki Adrianne whatever her name is... she's bad news, Val. She's going to break his heart.'

'He broke mine.'

'He didn't mean to.' China looked grave, then suddenly grinned. 'Come on, Valkyrie. We have a wedding to crash.'

They were due to get married in London, so China and Valkyrie stole Peaches Geldof's private jet and flew there with barely an hour to spare. They burst into the church gasping for breath and earned a few strange looks (Valkyrie especially, as she was dressed in her black fighting gear, not exactly typical wedding clothes).

They sat down beside a man wearing a black mask ('Hello, I'm Darth Vader, Fletcher's dad') and waited. There were butterflies fluttering in Valkyrie's stomach and the metallic taste of fear in the back of her mouth, but China looked perfectly composed.

Finally, Fletcher teleported onto the altar beside the priest, looking ridiculously happy, and Mikki and her white-toothed shampoo commercial father took their places at the back of the church. The music started to play and Mikki walked slowly up the aisle with her dad.

She looked beautiful, of course. Her dress glimmered and she looked like a sparkly fairy princess, which was not Valkyrie's best look but worked for Mikki. Everyone in the church seemed to hold her breath as she walked past them, and Darth Vader sniffled as she took her place next to Fletcher (who, incidentally, had his hair Jedward style for the occasion).

'We are here to join Fletcher Renn and Mikki Adrianne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine in holy matrimony,' murmured the priest. 'If anyone has any objections to this wedding, speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

Valkyrie stayed frozen, hypnotized by the sparkles on Mikki's dress, until China dug her in the ribs and she remembered. She jumped to her feet and summoned fire into one hand and shadows in the other. Everyone gasped.

'Fletcher, this girl is a ... cow,' announced Valkyrie. (She'd wanted to say something worse, but she didn't want to swear in front of the ageing priest). 'She's put a spell on you. She doesn't love you! You deserve better and I won't let you throw your life away for the first bizarrely pretty girl that comes along, OK? Please... please don't do this.'

She took a deep breath and felt her eyes well up. Fletcher looked shocked but Mikki just scowled.

Fletcher turned slowly to Mikki and blinked. 'Is she telling the truth, Mikks?'

'Of course not, my darling,' said Mikki in her voice like honey and bells. 'She's just lying because she wants to take you away from me. She's jealous of my incredible beauty, intelligence and magical powers.' (Mikki was a Necromancer-Elemental-Adept-Teleporter-Child-of-the-Spider-vampire-werewolf.)

Fletcher looked at Valkyrie, who was wiping her eyes angrily with her sleeve. Then he turned back to Mikki and frowned. 'I've known Valkyrie longer than I've known you and I don't think she'd do something like that.'

'Yes, she would,' snarled Mikki. 'She's a terrible person, okay? Just accept it! She is!'

'Don't talk about Valkyrie like that,' said Fletcher angrily.

Mikki turned to the priest, panic etched on her preternaturally beautiful face. 'Hurry up and marry us you ageing clay-brained codpiece! My fiance is showing signs of independence!'

'And don't talk to the priest like that either,' said Fletcher. 'I had no idea you were so mean. I don't think I want to go through with this wedding.'

'Wait,' said Mikki. 'Wait. Are you... are you _breaking up_ with me?'

Fletcher thought for a moment.

'Yes,' he said. 'I am.'

'Wootness,' said Valkyrie.

'No,' said Mikki. 'No no no no no.' She took a step closer to him, so their faces were inches apart. 'One does not simply _break up_ with Mikki Adrienne Rigantona Yvette Una Starla Eglantine,' she hissed into his face, and he winced as he got hit with flecks of her spit (which was purple).

'Well, I am,' said Fletcher.

Mikki punched him in the face and he stumbled back.

Furious, Valkyrie shot out of her seat and started running up the aisle towards them, but before she could get there, Darth Vader stood up.

'Now I don't want any fighting on my son's special day,' he said in a calm and pacifying voice (or as calm and pacifying as he could get using his voice distorting mask thingy). 'Even if there isn't actually going to be a wedding. Mikki, if you don't leave right now, I am going to have to use my lightsabre.'

He patted his lightsabre to show that he wasn't joking.

Realising she was defeated, Mikki tore off her veil and stalked out of the church to find some people who were more easily impressed.

'Yippee!' yelled Tanith and soon enough the rest of the church started cheering too because nobody really liked Mikki that much, for some reason.

Fletcher pulled Valkyrie into his arms. 'I'm so sorry, Val,' he whispered. 'I was deluded.'

'S'okay,' Val whispered back. 'It wasn't your fault.' She gave him a kiss.

'So!' said Fletcher loudly as they broke apart. 'Who wants to turn this wedding around?'

'You mean you're going to marry Valkyrie instead?' Tanith squealed.

'God, no,' said Valkyrie, alarmed. 'Who do you think I am? Bella Swan?'

'OK, then,' said Fletcher, grinning. 'Maybe not. Let's skip the wedding and just party.'

Everyone cheered, Valkyrie high-fived China and they teleported to Gordon's mansion to make a lot of noise, irritate Gordon (and, as it turned out, hide from an enraged Peaches Geldof).

And they all lived happily ever after.


	13. The Fairy Godsisters

**Steve And The Fairy Godsisters**

**A/N: Sixteenth chapter! :D**

**And yes. Steve is back. XD Thanks for the reviews!**

Steve the penguin was sitting in Volcano Base X drawing evil diagrams and making evil plans and drinking evil coffee when he suddenly realised - 'Damn, it's stuffy in here.' So he went out for a walk.

Around Volcano Base X was not a great scenic hiking route, to be perfectly honest. You could go for a wander around the edge of the crater, but there was always the risk of losing your balance and tumbling to a horrible death by drowning (in lava). Plus the climate (unbearably hot) was not suited to penguins, even evil ones. So he was just turning back when a dazzling light blinded his eyes and he saw two stumpy, winged, peroxide-blonde girls hovering above him with cheap plasticky wands in their hands.

It was none other than Carol and Crystal the Toxic Twins - in fairy form, naturally.

'Have you two been drinking Red Bull as well?' enquired Steve, who as a talking penguin was not easily surprised.

'Yeah,' Carol admitted.

Crystal made a face.

'Except we're fairies now,' Carol went on, 'and we can grant people wishes. God, our lives suck.'

'You mean... you could grant me three wishes?'

'Technically,' said Crystal, 'but since we don't like you, we'll narrow it down to one.'

'That's not fair! You don't like anyone!'

'So _nobody_ gets three wishes, then. And don't sass us or we'll make it zero.'

'Fine,' said Steve. 'I want - '

The twins had their wands raised, but before Steve could finish his sentence, he had an EPIPHANY.

He'd been about to ask for a Mariah Carey CD. But now he could see that his heart's desire was much bigger than that. He wanted to be HUMAN.

'I want to be human,' he said.

The twins looked at each other.

'You do it,' said Crystal, picking her nose.

'No, you,' said Carol.

'You.'

'It's your turn!'

'We don't take turns!'

'We do now!'

'Just make me human already!' Steve snapped.

'Fine,' grunted Carol and waved her wand. And just like that Steve was a man.

Steve the man looked down at himself. He was wearing a pristine tuxedo and his nails were painted orange.

'Sorry,' said Carol. 'Just thought I'd have some fun there.'

'Hilarious,' said Steve, then stopped and beamed. His voice no longer sounded penguin-ish and squeaky! He was a man now, once and for all.

'Do you think you could be nice and offer me another wish? Just one more?' he pleaded.

'No,' said Carol.

'No,' said Crystal.

'Listen, ladies. I'm on your side. You know your cousin Stephanie who you hate? I'm on a mission to annhilate her best friend. If you grant me this one wish, my mission will go ahead and Stephanie will be miserable. And that's got to be a good thing, right?'

'S'pose,' said Crystal.

'So will you grant me that wish?'

'I don't see why you can't just annhilate Stephanie,' muttered Carol.

'Just grant me the damn wish!'

'Fine!' said Crystal, then paused. 'You never told us what it is yet.'

'Oh yeah,' said Steve. 'I want a helicopter to take me to Ireland asap.'

'On it,' said Carol and waved her wand. A shiny new helicopter appeared beside them.

'And by the way it's pronounced ay-sap, not ah-sap,' said Crystal.

'Whatevs,' said Steve and jumped into the chopper. Luckily he knew how to fly it because - I don't know why, he's a penguin, okay? 'Sayonara, suckers!' he yelled out the window as the helicopter started to rise.

After a very long and extremely boring journey, Steve landed the helicopter on Ghastly's roof. Nobody noticed because they were all in the sitting room watching Father Ted. He made his way to the skylight and was about to open it when he stopped, because reflected in the skylight was an image of stunning beauty.

He turned around. Standing behind him was a girl with long, black hair with a slightly purplish sheen, huge green eyes and impossibly long eyelashes. She was dressed in a T-shirt, skinny jeans and Converse and she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen.

She was Mikki Adrianne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine. She was perfect.

Just seeing her made him forget all about his vendetta with Tanith. He just stared.

'Hi!' she said in a perky voice that sounded like music.

'Hey,' said Steve hoarsely.

'What are you doing here?' she asked.

'Ummm... Oh yeah. I'm trying to get revenge on someone. But you know what? I'm not really in the mood anymore.'

'Wow,' she said. 'That's, like, soooooooo weird! Because that's why I'M here too!'

'Who do you want revenge on?' he asked.

'Oh, just this guy who dumped me at the altar,' she said carelessly.

Steve was shocked. Why would anyone want to dump this vision of perfection?

'I don't believe that,' he said.

She blushed and smiled. 'You're sweet. We weren't meant for each other anyway. What's your name?'

'Steve. What's yours?'

'I'm Mikki Adrianne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine. You can call me Mikki.'

'Are you free tomorrow night, Mikki?'

'Are you asking me out?'

'If you want,' he said, trying to sound casual.

'Totally!' she said enthusiastically. Steve's heart did flips and together they climbed down the fire escape and into the sunset.

And that is how Steve ended his vendetta with Tanith, and Mikki ended her vendetta with Fletcher, and a new epic ship-name was born.

STIKKI.

THE END


	14. China's Birthday: Part One

Vaurien Scapegrace And The Swiss Roll of Darkness

**A/N: Two part chapter... XD**

**Everyone who reviewed is awesome! **

'Valkyrie, wake up!'

Valkyrie woke with a start, ready to freeze out the person who had interrupted her slumber, but looking down at her was Fletcher Renn - perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect teeth, perfect Listerine breath - and looking up at him made the anger melt away like Skulduggery's tyres once had due to Fletcher's extreme hotness.

Still, she didn't want to look stupid, so she said, 'Fletcher, you're not supposed to be in my room.' And then without conviction, 'Go away.'

He smiled, making Valkyrie's heart jump around crazily like Jedward on caffeine, and leaned down to kiss her without even bothering to say anything, which would've struck Valkyrie as weird if she hadn't been too busy drowning in his beautiful blue eyes. Yep...

Valkyrie had forgotten what she'd been about to say, and she didn't want to look like an idiot in front of Fletcher even though he was a bigger idiot than she was but she didn't want to admit it because she didn't want to admit to herself any aspect of him that wasn't perfect SO she was relieved when he said, 'You have to get up, babe, we're supposed to be planning a birthday party for China or something. I don't know, I was too busy fixing my hair to listen properly.'

'China? She doesn't strike me as the type to want a birthday party.'

'She isn't, that's why it's a surprise.'

'I don't get why we're doing this.'

'To see how she'll react, Skulduggery said.'

'That's the only reason?' Valkyrie said sceptically.

'Who cares? It's an excuse to dance with you, isn't it?' Fletcher grinned, making Valkyrie's heart go all Jedward again, and she smiled and put her hand on his shoulder, pulling him down to her level, and their lips met. Valkyrie sighed and the kiss deepened, but then her phone bleeped.

'HURRRRRRRRY UPPPPPPP ARRRRRRE HAVVVVVVVVVVVVVING TRRRRRROUBBBBBBBBLE FFFFINDDDDDDDDING SCCCCCCCCCCAPEGRAAAAAAAAAACE,' read Skulduggery's text. He'd recently acquired a BlackBerry, but didn't seem able to grasp the concept of letting go of the button after he'd pressed it, rendering his text messages almost incomprehensible.

Once Valkyrie had deciphered it, she rolled her eyes. 'Fletcher, much I'd love to just lie here and snog you all day, we need to find Scapegrace apparently...'

'Oh yeah,' Fletcher said, nodding. 'Skulduggery said we should invite him and Thrasher to China's.'

Because no party is complete without a pair of zombies.

'I have to get changed in the bathroom,' said Valkyrie. 'You stay here.'

Fletcher nodded and Valkyrie got her black clothes out and went into the bathroom, where she dressed quickly and admired her awesome appearance, then wandered back out again. Fletcher was sitting on her bed engrossed in one of the reflection's magazines - ARE YOU JUSTIN BIEBER'S IDEAL GIRL? the cover screamed. When he saw Valkyrie he tossed it aside hastily and cleared his throat.

'So are you Justin Bieber's ideal girl?' Valkyrie asked, unable to stop herself grinning.

'Yep, he likes people who spend a lot of time on their hair. I have a chance!' said Fletcher, quite seriously.

Valkyrie frowned and Fletcher hastily backtracked. 'Apart from the fact that my heart belongs to you, of course,' he said.

Reassured, Valkyrie sat down next to him. 'We should probably go.'

Fletcher was staring at her. 'Just one second,' he murmured, leaning closer. Valkyrie's eyelids fluttered shut and just as they were about to kiss Valkyrie's phone started beeping and vibrating like crazy. She sighed and leaned away. Fletcher straightened, scowling.

'Get ur asses in gear already. We wanna throw a party. MAN SKULDUGGERY'S BLACKBERRY IS AWESOME! Love and kisses, Tanith,' the text read.

Valkyrie started to write Tanith an angry text back but before she could, Fletcher took her hand and suddenly the ground was gone. When it came back, they were standing at Ghastly's shop being stared at by Ghastly, Skulduggery and Tanith.

'Finally,' said Tanith, rolling her eyes.

'Glad you could join us,' said Skulduggery with a polite tilt of the head. 'Here's the guest list.'

Valkyrie took the page he offered her and read through it.

HOLLY WILLOUGHBY

SCAPEGRACE

FERGIE

CLARABELLE

ASHLEY COLE

KENSPECKLE

BILLY-RAY CYRUS

CAELAN

BRITNEY

NYE

JUDGE JUDY

ZAC FARRO

ANTON SHUDDER

HAYLEY WILLIAMS

BOB THE WALRUS

KATE NASH

GEOFFREY SCRUTINOUS

GABE SAPORTA

LOUIS WALSH

ERSKINE RAVEL

MICHAEL JACKSON'S MONKEY, BUBBLES

ECHO GORDON

THE KLEENEX PUPPY

CAROL AND CRYSTAL

DR. DOOLITTLE

THE STATUE OF PHIL LYNOTT

STEPHANIE MEYER

GUILD'S DAUGHTER

BILBO BAGGINS

GARY PRICE

OBI WAN KENOBI

HANNAH FOLEY

E.T.

THRASHER

LEONARDO DA VINCI

BRENDON URIE

GODZILLA

Valkyrie handed Skulduggery the list back. 'Skulduggery, half of these people are random celebrities we don't even know. And some of them are dead. And some of them don't exist.'

'Name a random celebrity from that list that we don't even know.'

'Fergie.'

'OK, fine, but I bet you can't name someone on that list who's dead.'

'Leonardo Da Vinci.'

'Damn. OK, well, name someone on the list that doesn't exist.'

'Obi Wan Kenobi.'

'NOOOOOOOOO!' Tanith randomly yelled. 'I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU, OBI WAN!'

'There are going to be no people at this party,' Valkyrie stated, handing Skulduggery back the guest list.

But Skulduggery shook his head. 'Leave it to me.'

The steely note in his voice left Valkyrie with a sense of foreboding...

...But then Fletcher started kissing her and she forgot about it.

TO BE CONTINUED!

**A/N: Random parody I wrote in five minutes when I was bored. I know it's not very good, but... it might improve. **

**Interesting fact: the original title of this was Vaurien Scapegrace Yay Butterflies and Pancakes Caelan is a Wallflower DELUXE EDITION WITH SHADOWS. I had to change it because it wouldn't fit.**

**Part Two coming soon! Or maybe not. I'm kinda busy at the mo, breeding guinea pigs. **

**But it will come. I swear.**


	15. China's Birthday: Part Two

**Skulduggery Pleasant and the Swiss Roll of Darkness**

**PART TWO**

Tanith, Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Ghastly, Thrasher, Scapegrace and Fletcher sat around uncomfortably in China's library. China was staring at them.

'Why are you all here?' she asked, looking perplexed. 'You look like you're waiting for something...'

'We're not,' said Skulduggery. 'Just... never mind.'

As Valkyrie had predicted, nobody had turned up for China's four hundredth and ninety seventh birthday party. There was a table laden with cake in the library and they'd managed to subtly decorate the place with Chinese lanterns without China noticing, but there were no guests.

'I don't understand,' said China. 'There's a table dripping with expensive food over there. That wasn't there a second ago.'

'Funny that,' said Skulduggery. 'Well, you can eat it if you want.'

'And what about Thrasher and Scapegrace? They never come here. I thought they couldn't read.'

'I can't,' said Thrasher, 'but Scapey's getting better at it.'

'But there's a big sign outside my library - NO ZOMBIES ALLOWED.'

'That's discrimi - discrima - '

'Discrimination,' supplied Valkyrie helpfully.

'I wonder what that means,' said Fletcher thoughtfully to himself.

'Anyway,' said Scapegrace, 'we can't read. So obviously the sign didn't make much difference to us.'

The truth was, Thrasher and Scapegrace had been the only guests to arrive.

Or so everyone thought. Until Paramore walked in.

'Hey guys,' said Hayley.

'Hayley Williams!' Valkyrie shrieked and ran over to hug her.

Hayley stepped back, looking freaked out. 'Oh,' she said. 'So this isn't where our album launch is being held. We thought we were bit lost. Well, see you later!'

They ran out.

'Crap,' said Valkyrie.

'I still don't understand,' commented China.

'Never mind,' said Skulduggery. 'Swiss roll?'

'No, thanks,' said China.

'This party blows,' remarked Thrasher, looking disgusted.

'Party?' said China.

Skulduggery glared at Thrasher.

'You were planning a _party _for me? Seriously?'

'Yes,' admitted Skulduggery.

'Why?'

'To see how you'd react, that's all.'

China shook her head. Then she smiled. 'Sweet of you.'

'Although, as you can see, it was something of a fail.'

'Ah, well, it's the thought that counts.'

'So can we stay and eat the cake?'

'What? No. Get out.'

They walked out.

'Well,' said Skulduggery. 'That was fun.'

Valkyrie sighed.


	16. Skulduggery's Mother

"Hey, Val."

Valkyrie sighed. "Hello, Fletcher. Haven't you gotten a life yet?"

"Not really," Fletcher admitted. "I asked out the walrus, but it spat in my eye."

"Of course it did. It's dating Clarabelle."

"You know you're in trouble when even a walrus won't go out with you."

"Anyway, I'm bored."

"Me too. Hey, is that Skulduggery I hear talking on the phone?"

"Let's eavesdrop!"

They moved closer to the closed door and listened to the velvety voice coming from the other side. "See you tomorrow. Can't wait. I love you too. Bye."

The two teenagers crept away.

"SKULDUGGERY'S IN LOVE!" Fletcher squee-d when they were out of hearing distance.

"OHMYGODOHMYGOD! THAT'S SO CUTE!" Valkyrie shrieked and they both hopped up and down screaming.

"Wait, what am I doing?" said Fletcher after a few minutes. "I'm too macho for this sort of thing."

Valkyrie didn't even bother to dignify this statement with a response. "I can't believe Skulduggery's got a girlfriend. Who do you think it is?"

"Guild," said Fletcher immediately. "I _knew_ I wasn't imagining the chemistry between them!"

Valkyrie sighed. "I don't know why I even bother asking you for your opinion."

"Do you think it's another skeleton?" Fletcher asked. "Maybe he dug her up in the cemetery and did an ancient voodoo spell to bring her to life!"

"That's a strange idea. I don't know where you get them from."

" I got it from a movie I saw called _The Skeleton That Was Dug Up In A Cemetery And Brought Back To Life By An Ancient Voodoo Spell._ It was really good, except all these words came up at the end. Those words kind of spoiled it for me."

"We HAVE to find out who Skulduggery's girlfriend is," said Val. "I bet she wears a cool hat. He wouldn't date anyone who doesn't wear a cool hat."

"Should we stalk him? I'm not very good at stalking. I get these uncontrollable urges to sing."

"OK then, I'LL stalk him and I'll call you when I see her. I'll tell you where they are and you can teleport there - and bring a camera, OK?"

"My camera broke. I told myself it was because my good looks made the lens crack. But I think it was really because I used it as a hammer one time to hammer a nail into a wall. And then I spilled cherry Coke on it. And then I accidentally ate it. So yeah, I think that's probably why it broke."

Valkyrie sighed. "Have you ever considered going back to London? I'm sure they're missing their village idiot."

Fletcher looked hurt, and his hair fell flat. "Val, that's ridiculous. I'm not an idiot, I'm just a boy with incredible powers. It's not easy being me. And it's not my fault the camera broke."

"No, you just ate it, spilled Coke on it and used it as a hammer."

"Exactly."

Valkyrie sighed.

Later on...

"OK, I see him. He's walking down the street, about six feet ahead of me. He's going into a little house - you know McGregor Street? There. Can you teleport us onto the roof or something? OK. See you." Valkyrie hung up.

Fletcher appeared beside her, took her hand and teleported her onto the roof.

They looked down into the garden where Skulduggery was sitting at a table drinking tea. A woman entered.

"You think that's his girlfriend? I thought she'd be younger."

"Skulduggery's four hundred remember?"

"Oh yeah. He's very young looking for his age, isn't he?"

"He's a skeleton, Fletch."

"Oh right, yeah."

And then Skulduggery said the fateful words.

"Sorry I forgot the cream cakes, Mum."

"MUM?" Valkyrie and Fletcher mouthed in horrified unison.

"That's fine, love, I made scones," the woman said cheerily.

"Yeah, they're lovely, thanks Mammy."

"So how are you? I hope your life fighting crime isn't too dangerous. I worry about you all the time, you know. How you're getting on, if you're getting hurt..." She put a wrinkled hand to her blue-rinsed hair and smiled weakly.

"Mammy, I'm four-hundred. You still treat me like I'm ... three hundred and ninety."

"Oh, Skulduggery, a mother's responsibility never stops. Even, you know that balcony in your house? God, the wall around it is so low! Imagine if you went sleepwalking and... oh, my God..."

"Relax, Mum. I don't sleep, I'm a skeleton."

"And you're a skeleton... oh, God... my poor boy."

"I should be worrying about _you_, Mammy. You're five hundred years old. That's almost as old as China. How are _you _coping?"

"I'm coping fine, Skulduggery. I'm very tough. The other day I gave out to the lady in the shop for overcharging me by three cents for a Terry's Chocolate Orange. I scared her so much she gave me my money back! Imagine that."

"But health-wise?"

"Oh, my back's so bad some days that I can't even stand up and I have to go everywhere in a shopping trolley. But that's all. Apart from that I'm - HEY! Who the hell are you two?"

"I think she's seen us," Fletcher whispered loudly.

"You think?" Valkyrie hissed.

"Valkyrie and Fletcher?" said Skulduggery in a bewildered voice.

Fletcher teleported them back down to the garden.

"We can expl - " Val began.

But he never finished his sentence. Skulduggery's mum punched him in the face and he fell over, then she gave Valkyrie a Mexican body slam.

"TAKE THAT YOU NASTY LITTLE SPYING TEENAGE ALFALFA SPROUTS!" Skulduggery's mum screeched.

"MERCY! HAVE MERCY!" Valkyrie screamed.

"The pain! It - it _hurts_!" Fletcher wailed.

"Take that! And that - " Skulduggery's mum yelled as she attacked them with her handbag.

"Mam, take it easy... " Skulduggery said.

"OK. You're lucky! You two are lucky I didn't beat you to death!"

"WE KNOW! WE KNOW!" Valkyrie screamed.

"PLEASE, JUST LEAVE US ALONE!" Fletcher begged.

Skulduggery's mother stormed back inside.

Later, at Kenspeckle's...

"Valkyrie... "

"Yes, Fletcher?"

"I think I broke a nail..."


	17. Caelan's Angst

**Caelan's Angst**

**A/N: Yay twentieth chapter!**

**Or is it? I think it is... I don't know. ANYWAY. I don't anything from Potter Puppet Pals. Neil Ciceriga does. No copying intended, I just thought it would be fun to have a SP version of Wizard Angst... Please enjoy XD Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I 3 you all!**

Caelan was talking to himself.

"I feel angry and self-loathing today and I don't know why. Grrrrrrrrrr. I'm going to take it out on people I like."

Valkyrie Cain bounced over. "Hello Caelan, how are you doing today?"

Caelan flipped. "GET AWAY FROM ME VALKYRIE! HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW IT FEELS TO BE OBSESSIVELY IN LOVE WITH A GIRL I CAN NEVER BE WITH BECAUSE I'M A BLOODY VAMPIRE, NO PUN INTENDED, AND YOU JUST MAKE IT WORSE BY BEING AROUND ME ALL THE TIME WHICH FORCES ME TO SMELL YOUR BLOOD AND HEAR YOUR DELICIOUSLY TEMPTING HEARTBEAT?"

"OK, OK, calm down," said Valkyrie, looking alarmed. "Why must you yell at me in this way Caelan?"

"Yeah what's your problem Caelan?" This was Fletcher, who was there, naturally, who even knows why?

Caelan glared at him, his eyes dark with emo-ness. "I'm in love with your girlfriend but at the same time I want to rip her throat out, I have a boring and miserable life which isn't even a life as I am dead, and I'm kind of having a mid-life crisis because I just HATE being a f****g vampire SO MUCH! The other vampires don't even like me, I have no friends, I mean what the f***k?"

Fletcher, who was a bit slow, frowned and said, "But it's magic Caelan. The vampires are magical! ... Wait. What did you say about being in love with my girlfriend?"

Caelan ignored Fletcher's last question. "I know I'm magic but I still have nightmares about draining Valkyrie's blood every night... I can't take it anymore! I QUIT MAGIC!"

Fletcher, who hadn't been listening, glared. "You better back off from my girlfriend, leech."

China (who was there too, by the way) said "But Caelan, what about being Valkyrie's guardian angel?"

"Fine," grumbled Caelan. "It's all up to you now, Fletcher."

Fletcher's eyes widened. "B-b-b-b-b-b-but - "

A tiny Chihuahua ran up to Val.

"Vicious dog!" declared China. "Protect her, Fletcher."

Fletcher was quivering. "I - I can't do it..."

The dog got bored and ran away.

"You tried your best Fletch," said China soothingly.

Fletcher cheered up. "What's Caelan doing?"

Caelan was repeatedly bashing his head against a tree. "Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst."

"He's a little off today, haven't you noticed?" said Valkyrie.

"Maybe he needs a hug," suggested Fletcher.

Caelan gave him a death glare. "I don't want a hug!"

"Give me a hug, Caelan," said Fletcher.

China, sensing danger on the horizon, left.

"No!" Caelan snapped.

Fletcher hugged Caelan.

"Away with you!" yelled Caelan and bit him. Fletcher screamed.

Guild walked over, his footsteps slow like a depressed elephant. "What is this rumpus?"

"Caelan bit me!" Fletcher wailed.

"Fletcher invaded my personal bubble!" insisted Caelan.

"Methinks some severe punishment is in order here," droned Guild.

The vampire and the Teleporter looked at each other and chorused, "Oh no."

Guild ignored them. "The two of you will be dragged by your ears to the Gaol where a drunken Administrator will be waiting with a cactus and a croquet mallet, and then..."

He never finished his sentence. Valkyrie hit him with a wave of shadows and he fell over and Fletcher drew butterflies on his face using sparkly lipgloss.

Skulduggery wandered over. "Hahahahaha, oh man that was awesome Valkyrie!"

"Thanks Skul!" she replied happily.

"Are you still full of that vampire's angst Caelan?" Skulduggery inquired.

"I think I can appreciate life a lot more now."

"Well that's just fantastic!"

China came back. "Hey, what happened to Guild? Why is he unconscious?"

"He looked in the mirror," said Fletcher happily.

They all laughed hysterically, for some reason.

Skulduggery floated up to the sky.

They all stopped laughing and looked up at him.

"Everyone make a wish," whispered Valkyrie.

**A/N: Yeah, everything pretty much belongs to Neil Ciceriga. I know it sucked, but I'm bored!**

**On a random note... did you know there's such thing as Jedward fanfiction? There is. Found some on deviantart the other day. :I**


	18. Thursday

**Thursday**

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful Reia Kellyn for suggesting the dressing-up-Fletcher idea :) After watching Rebecca Black's Friday on Youtube (about 45 times - the song is so abysmally catchy XD), I decided to combine it with this. Hope you like!**

**'**Am I ready for my close-up?' Fletcher asked breathlessly.

Tanith brushed some more powder onto his face and glared at Ghastly. He didn't notice as he was studying a pair of sequinned legwarmers critically to see if they would suit Fletcher.

**'**One more minute,' murmured Ghastly. He put the legwarmers down, deciding they wouldn't go with Fletcher's tux, and wandered over to the hat rack, toying with the idea of a fedora.

'Your make-up's done,' Tanith told Fletcher in as grumpy a voice as possible.

Ghastly picked up the fedora and placed it carefully on Fletcher's head, then stood back to admire his handiwork. 'Stand up.'

Fletcher stood up.

'Give us a twirl.'

Fletcher pirouetted on the spot.

'Fabulous,' smiled Ghastly. 'You're camera ready, Fletch.'

He was temporarily in the role of Fletcher's stylist, and he had just spent a blissful two and a half hours deciding how to dress him for _Thursday, _the vanity-press video Fletcher had shelled out two grand to star in. He had eventually chosen a Fendi tuxedo - a bit too dressy, maybe, but Ghastly didn't care. It was beauty in suit form.

But Fletcher wasn't listening. 'Are those _sequinned legwarmers_?'

'Yes.'

'I _like_.'

'They don't go with your tux.'

'I know, but I could wear them on my date with Valkyrie tonight!'

'OK,' said Ghastly, happy to have any of his creations in the public eye. He didn't notice Tanith pretending to die of horror behind him, mouthing the words '_Sequinned legwarmers_!' with an agonized expression on her face.

'Thanks, Ghastly,' beamed Fletcher.

'No problem,' said Ghastly before quoting the legendary Kurt Hummel: 'Makeovers are like crack to me.'

Anton Shudder walked in. 'Filming's about to start, Fletch.'

'Mr. Renn to you.'

Anton ignored Fletcher's diva-ish behaviour and strode back out again. Fletcher followed. They went to a convertible parked on the kerb outside Bespoke Tailor's, surrounded by lights and cameras.

Clarabelle announced, 'Thursday by Fletcher Renn, scene one, take one!' She clapped the clapperboard.

Fletcher tried to wink at her but ended up blinking again.

'Lights!' yelled Anton. 'Camera! Action!'

Music started playing in the background. Fletcher got in the car and Valkyrie, Skulduggery (with his facade on) and China got in too. Fletcher started to sing.

'It's Thursday, Thursday! Gotta get down on Thursday, everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend! Thursday, Thursday! Getting down on Thursday! Everybody's looking forward to the weekend!'

While he sang, Val, Skul and China nodded along with big fake smiles on their faces.

Clarabelle inched over to Anton and whispered, 'I'm sure I've heard that song before...'

'Partyin', partyin', yeah! Partyin', partyin', yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun, looking forward to the weekend!'

'I can't imagine where,' said Anton.

'Kickin' in the front seat, kickin' in the back seat, gotta make my mind up - which seat can I take?'

'It sounds really familiar,' insisted Clarabelle. Anton didn't answer.

'It's Thursday, Thursday, gettin' down on Thursday, everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend! It's Thursday, Thursday! Gotta get down on Thursday!Everybody's looking forward to the weekend!'

'Fletcher looks great, doesn't he?' said Ghastly proudly.

'Partyin, partyin...' Skulduggery, Valkyrie and China joined in to chant 'Yeah!' 'Partyin', partyin', yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun, looking forward to the weekend!'

'Yes, you did an excellent job on him,' replied Anton.

'Yesterday was Wednesday. Today it is Thursday, Thursday. Tomorrow will be Friday. And Saturday comes afterwards,' Fletcher sang.

'Pity I couldn't do an excellent job on his singing,' Ghastly muttered.

'We we we so excited. We so excited. We gonna have a ball today...'

They stood and watched the video being shot, occasionally wincing when Fletcher tried to hit a high note. The song finally ended and Anton yelled, 'That's a wrap, people!'

China, Valkyrie and Skulduggery clambered out of the car, overjoyed now the torture was over. Clarabelle, however, looked disappointed.

'You mean you're not doing any more takes? But I love banging the clapperboard!'

'We really, really don't need any more takes,' said Anton firmly.

'I knew I'd be perfect the first time,' said Fletcher happily.

'Partyin', partyin', yeah... oh God, it's stuck in my head,' groaned Ghastly and he, Skulduggery and Anton headed to the bar for a few stiff whiskies.

Two days later...

'EVERYONE!' Fletcher screamed. He sounded like a guinea pig who'd inhaled helium. 'MY VIDEO! I'M A YOUTUBE SENSATION!' He pointed excitedly to his laptop screen and hyperventilated into a paper bag.

Valkyrie, Ghastly and Tanith came over to look. Skulduggery just grunted and stayed in the armchair with a newspaper.

'TWO MILLION HITS!' Fletcher shrieked.

'I'll give you two million hits if you don't shut up,' muttered Skulduggery.

'You're just jealous of my talent and fame,' Fletcher declared, sticking his chin in the air. 'Ghastly, get working on the costume for my next video... TUESDAY! Muahahahahaha!'

He teleported.

'Prat,' said Skulduggery.

**A/N: I know, definitely not my best chapter. In fact it sort of sucked. Anyway. Review?**

**Lyrics are based on the song Friday by Rebecca Black. Just in case you didn't already know :DDD If you've never heard the song, I recommend you look it up to get the most out of this chapter. I think Beckz-Black is going to become the new J-Biebz XD.**


	19. Tunnel

**Tunnel**

**A/N: Sorry for not updating, guys. I couldn't think of anything to write for ages and then I suddenly had this random idea... no idea where it came from. Anyhow, hope you guys like :DDD To all my reviewers, thank you! You rock!**

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

Davina Marr bent her head and tried to concentrate on her paperwork, but the tapping continued. It had been bugging her all day. She didn't have a clue where it was coming from, but it sounded like it was coming from the floor.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

'Gah!'

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

Davina sprang to her feet and strode around the room, looking for the source of the noise. She couldn't find it.

Just as she was walking frustratedly back to her desk, she heard voices.

From underground.

Davina frowned and put an ear to the carpet. Suddenly, something sharp poked through it. She jumped back as if she had been electrocuted and watched a knife start to cut a hole in her floor.

'What the hell is going on?' she shouted in a voice which she hoped was loud enough for the mysterious digger to hear, marching over to stand beside the rapidly emerging circle.

'Crap!' she heard a voice exclaim from under the ground. 'Davina's there!'

'Who cares?' said another voice. 'There's nothing she can do.'

'Yes there is!' Davina shrieked. 'I can crush you and melt your brains like macaroni! I'll show you how we do things in Boston! Now WHY ARE YOU DIGGING UP MY FLOOR?'

The knife completed its circle and several floorboards popped out, revealing that the knife had cut a circle in the concrete underneath as well. Davina wondered for a second how a knife could cut through concrete, then she realised that the knife was alight with a red glow. It was obviously not a normal knife.

The concrete was also pushed away, and then three people crawled through. Valkyrie Cain, Skulduggery Pleasant and Tanith Low.

'We are digging up your floor,' said Skulduggery politely, 'because we wanted to make a tunnel from the Grand Mage's office to yours.'

'Why the _hell - _?'

'No reason,' Valkyrie answered.

'For the lulz,' said Tanith cheerfully.

'You never know, it might come in handy,' Skulduggery shrugged.

'Well, bye now!' said Tanith, waltzing out of the office. Valkyrie followed, giving Davina a wave. Davina did not wave back.

Skulduggery nodded politely and went out after the other two. Davina just stood there, boiling with anger, beside the hole in her office floor. Her face was red. Steam was coming out of her ears.

She stalked back to her desk, grabbed a pencil and snapped it in half. She screamed - so loudly it could be heard around the entire Sanctuary.

'I really think she's starting to like us,' said Skulduggery to Valkyrie and Tanith as they climbed back into the Bentley to go home.

'I really think she is,' said Valkyrie.

**A/N: Hehe. **

**Short and weird, but I can just imagine how utterly pissed off she'd be if they just randomly built a tunnel underneath her office.**


	20. Roses and Swordfish

**Roses and Swordfish**

**A/N: Apologies for the crapness of the last chapter, but I think I've gotten back in the spirit now. I wrote this chapter about my new favourite ship - CHINA/SCAPEGRACE - while listening to Nearly Witches by Panic! At The Disco on repeat. It was my inspiration. Anyway - enjoy :DDD**

Vaurien Scapegrace was alone in his house. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he thought about his lost love, wondering if he would ever get her back. It had all been going so well...

_-FLASHBACK-_

Vaurien Scapegrace waited outside China's apartment in his tux stuffed with air fresheners, holding a single red rose in his hand. Not long now and he would see his true love again. He was dizzy with joy.

He rang the doorbell and now he heard her delicate footsteps on the wooden floor. She flung open the door and caught him up in a passionate embrace. He dropped the rose and kissed her back. They parted just as suddenly and Vaurien, blushing, bent down to pick up the rose.

'It will never match your beauty, but it was the closest I could get,' he told her as she took it from him.

'Oh, Vaurien,' she sighed. 'So cliche, and yet you make it work.'

Suddenly Vaurien felt like the happiest zombie in the world. He smiled widely, and one of his ears fell off. But even that couldn't dampen his spirit. He finally had the girl of his dreams, and nothing could bring him down.

_-END FLASHBACK-_

But that been three years ago now. Vaurien had gotten slightly too big for his (also stuffed with air fresheners) boots, and told China Sorrows that she simply wasn't good enough for him.

He regretted that now.

He was going crazy without her. Not only was she the most beautiful woman in the world, she was also the only one who would probably ever love him. Who else could love a man who smelt like a new car and kept losing crucial body parts?

His house felt dead and empty now that Thrasher had found his own place, and he kept seeing visions of her everywhere. It drove him mad.

He looked at all the expensive gifts she'd given him, and played out a fantasy ending in his head in which he'd asked her to marry him and she'd agreed and they'd danced down the aisle to _Thursday _by Fletcher Renn, which was his favourite song at the moment.

But Vaurien knew it was hopeless. It was too late. He was going to be lonely forever.

The only consolation was that he couldn't technically die alone, because he was already dead. That was comforting.

Her ghost stalked him in his head, tears dripping from those beautiful blue eyes. 'Why did you ever leave me, Vaurien?' she wailed.

That was sometimes. Other times she went off arm in arm with a really hot pro wrestler. He wasn't sure which one he hated more.

After discovering what perfume she wore, he'd run to the shops and bought a huge bottle of it. He'd sprayed it on his pillow, his duvet, his curtains, his clothes. This turned out to be a bad idea when he'd discovered he was allergic, and sneezed until his nose fell off (he'd reattached it with Duct tape).

He tried writing a poem.

'Oh China, no-one's finer, than you, it's true. China Sorrows, meet me tomorrows, I'm really sorry, let's get a curry.'

After Vaurien realised that poetry was not for him (and that _sorry _and _curry _didn't rhyme), he gave up. He was never getting her back. Why couldn't he just accept it?

Thrasher came with sage advice. 'You have to get over China, babes. I mean master. She'll never forgive you for what you did. You have to move on.'

'Nice try, Thrasher, but I'm not moving in with you just yet,' said Vaurien dismissively.'You know any good places to meet loads of hot chicks?'

'Umm,' said Thrasher. 'Not really, Master. You could try the supermarket.'

So off Vaurien went to his local Spar, but it just made him feel worse. Every food item he passed on the shelves made him think of China. _Pickles! China loved pickles... Chocolate! I bought chocolates for China once... Milk! I'm sure that's what China puts on her cornflakes..._

He was just about to turn back when he reached the frozen food aisle. He gasped.

A swordfish... China's favourite variety of seafood.

He reached out for it just as a hand caught his and moved it away. He looked up - into the totes gorge (as Caelan would say) eyes of China Sorrows.

'China,' he whispered.

Her eyes widened. 'Vaurien?'

Millions of things rolled through Vaurien's head to say, but what he actually said was not one of them. 'I didn't know you went to Spar,' he blurted.

'I don't,' said China. 'Supermarket food is atrocious. So lacking in class. But I had a sudden craving for frozen swordfish and thought I'd pick some up. What about you, my dear?'

She seemed so calm. Vaurien felt like a nervous wreck.

'I just... fancied some swordfish, too.'

'Excellent,' said China, and suddenly a smile lit up her beautiful features. 'Unfortunately this is the last one and I'm buying it, but you're more than welcome to come to my apartment and share it.'

Vaurien's world imploded, his heart did cartwheels and one of his eyeballs fell out. He quickly popped it back in.

'Sure,' he said, trying to sound ultra casual. It failed.

'Excellent,' said China again, and went to the checkout.

Vaurien's ear fell off.

**A/N: PLEASE REVIEW ...**

**Not that I'm desperate or anything...**


	21. Penguin Baby

**Penguin Baby**

**A/N: Thanks for the lovely reviews, Reia and Tariana! You both get kebabs!**

**This chapter is about Mikki and Steve. If you have no idea who these people are, you should probably read the chapters 'Day of the Sparkly Undead Butterflies,' 'Steve's Revenge' 'Fletchyrie vs Flikki' and 'Fairy Godsisters.' Then it will make a lot more sense. XD**

It was an autumn evening in a hospital in Dublin, and Mikki Adrienne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine had just given birth to her first child.

Her husband, Steve Smith, ex-penguin and proud dad, looked adoringly at the baby in his wife's arms. Despite being merely hours old, Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme Smith (or R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E for short) had shoulder-length auburn curls, huge green eyes framed by thick lashes and a full set of perfect white teeth, just like Renesmee Cullen (because Twilight is, like, totes adorbs). Except there was no freaky growth issue here - Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme Smith was born perfect because she WAS perfect. Just like her mama.

Or was she?

The trouble began when Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme started to walk. She was very good at it, naturally, and by two and a half she was able to walk two miles to the shop to buy the paper. The only thing was, she waddled, with her feet sticking out sideways - like a penguin.

When she was smaller, she didn't cry like normal babies. Instead she cheeped. Like a baby penguin.

When she started to talk - at one and a half - she could speak English, French, Spanish, German, Mandarin, Cantonese, Gaelic and penguin. She could communicate with the penguins at the zoo and she had a tendency of sliding around on her stomach and swimming in the bath. Mikki finally cracked when she found R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E sitting on a egg.

'There is something wrong with our child!' she yelled at Steve in her beautiful voice like chiming bells.

'It's just a phase,' said Steve, who had read that in a childcare book somewhere.

'I do not want a penguin baby,' said Mikki Adrienne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine Smith. 'We are doing something about this. Let's take her to a child psychologist.'

Because Mikki totally cared about her baby more than anything else in the entire world and she only wanted the best for R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E.

(By the way, even though Mikki was now a mother, she still had a perfect figure and no grey hairs.)

Anyway, thanks to the speed of Steve's Lamborghini, they arrived at the child psychologist's two hours before the appointment and had to wait in the waiting room. Mikki was showing R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E off to all the other patients when three very familiar people walked in.

'Skulduggery? Valkyrie?' Mikki gasped. 'FLETCHER?' She accidentally dropped R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E at the shock of seeing her ex-fiance but quickly picked her back up again because she was a fantastic mother. 'What are YOU doing here?'

'We're taking Fletcher to the child psychologist,' said Valkyrie. 'What about you?'

'I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING,' said Mikki. 'YOU RUINED MY WEDDING.'

'That was ages ago. You've clearly moved on,' said Valkyrie dismissively.

'Nice doll,' said Fletcher to Mikki.

'That's my baby.'

'Oh. Nice baby.'

'Tanith Low isn't with you, is she?' asked Steve, his eyes suddenly glowing red like those of the evil penguin he once was.

'No,' said Skulduggery. 'I thought you were over your revenge thing.'

'Revenge is best served cold,' said Steve, 'and I'm keeping mine in the freezer.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

Before Steve could come up with a really clever answer, Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme slid off Mikki's lap and wriggled, penguin-style, through a mouse hole in the wall. Mikki screamed.

'Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme! My baby! My baby!'

'Wow!' exclaimed Skulduggery. 'Did you see that? She fit through that tiny gap! Incredible!'

'Yes, she's good at squeezing through small spaces! Big deal! How are we going to get her back?'

But before anyone could answer, R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E slid back through the hole, got up and waddled over to Mikki, chirping 'Mama!' Mikki gathered her baby up in her arms and held her protectively. 'Oh, R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E, don't you ever scare me like that again!'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. Skulduggery looked thoughtful.

'You know,' he said, 'we could really use a talented penguin-baby on our team.'

'We could?' said Valkyrie.

'ABSOLUTELY NO WAY,' said Mikki.

'She'll get paid,' said Skulduggery.

'OK then.'

THE END

**A/N: What? I was bored.**

**Sorry, Twilight.**

**If anyone has any chapter ideas, you're welcome to send them in - I would seriously appreciate it. And they don't have to involve Mikki or Steve.**

**Anyway, thanks for reading and please consider reviewing :DDDD**


	22. Fletcher's Disease

**Fletcher's Disease**

**A/N: You might recognize the first five lines or so from Potter Puppet Pals: Ron's Disease. I do not own. Neil Ciceriga does. I don't own Skulduggery Pleasant either, surprise surprise... **

**Thanks to the totes awesome reviewers for... reviewing! XD Oh and OMFG DEREK HAS REVEALED THE TITLE OF BOOK SIX - Death Bringer! (I really wanted it to be called Raising Cain, but Death Bringer is good too).**

**R&R, people.**

"Hello, I'm Valkyrie Cain, the most intelligent and courageous teenage detective that ever lived and it's a beautiful day here in Gordon's house!"

"You're amazing, Valkyrie," Fletcher said randomly, but adoringly.

"I know," Valkyrie agreed happily.

"But I am grievously ill," Fletcher went on.

"Eww," Valkyrie muttered. "What's wrong with you?"

"Common cold. There must be something wrong, Valkyrie! Teleporters don't GET colds!"

He sneezed loudly.

"Buy a handkerchief, Fletcher."

"Sorry. But I've never had a cold before. This could kill me! My immune system might not be able to cope!"

"You're such a weakling."

Fletcher started coughing. "Take pity on me, Valkyrie!"

"Oh, all right. Here's some Strepsils."

"Thank you, Val. My throat is killing me." He coughed again. "God forbid I would lose my voice and therefore my ability to bore you all with my mindless drivel!"

Valkyrie thought this over. "On second thoughts, I'll take those Strepsils back."

"Oh," said Fletcher sadly, before going into another coughing fit.

Valkyrie took the Strepsils. "Fletcher, I'm going to book you an appointment with my GP."

"Why?" asked Fletcher suspiciously. "You're never nice to me!"

"I think you've actually got the flu... and I can't stand the sight of your nose running any longer... eww... "

"Oh, OK."

"Stay there and I'll make the call..."

Fletcher noticed a massive golden turnip on the mantelpiece. It had been given to Gordon when he'd been accepted into the society for the most elite of writers - the Order of the Golden Turnip.

"Oooh, shiny!"

"AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!" Valkyrie screamed like a psycho.

"OK."

Ten minutes later, Valkyrie came back downstairs and found Fletcher engrossed in a magazine: 'What colour handbag goes best with your hair?' She cleared her throat and he looked up, saw her and tried to discreetly fling the magazine away.

"He'll see you in an hour," she told him.

"Oh, thank you, Valkyrie! I was scared I was going to die! I'm too young to die! Too young and too pretty!"

"Fletcher, you have the flu, you're not going to die."

Fletcher was suddenly depressed. "Would that I could, Valkyrie... would that I could."

There was a long pause.

"Sorry, Val," said Fletcher, suddenly all chirpy again. "Guild moment."

Five hours later.

"Tanith, I'm kind of worried about Fletcher, it's been five hours and he still isn't back from the doctor's."

"I'm not surprised Val, you sent him to Dr. Nye for a check up."

"I DID WHAT NOW?"

"Well, actually it was Skulduggery. He told me he just drove Fletcher to Nye's at your request."

"I requested no such thing! I told him to take Fletcher _to the doctor_!"

"Ah well," Tanith said chirpily. "He must have misunderstood."

"Ohcrapohcrap..."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Are we going to rescue him?"

There was a pause.

"You know, I don't think there's much point... I mean, Nye's probably cut him open already, trying to find his soul... Maybe we should just leave it. It's been five hours. It's too late."

"Poor Fletcher."

"Yeah."

"Still," Tanith shrugged, "look on the bright side. Fletcher may be dead, but at least that means we don't have to have him around anymore."

Fletcher walked in. "Hey Val! Hey Tanith!"

"I knew it was too good to be true," muttered Tanith.

"You're not dead," exclaimed Valkyrie. "How are you not dead?"

Fletcher frowned. "You were the one who told me that you couldn't die from a common cold..."

"No, I mean from the doctor!"

"Oh. Sure, the doctor was a little weird - I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, and I think its mouth might've been stitched together... But it was really nice and it made me BETTER!"

"It didn't cut you open?"

"No. Ew, that's gross, Val." Fletcher did a twirl. "I'm better! I'm not gonna die!" He skipped away.

"Is it just me, or is skipping and twirling abnormal behaviour for teenage boys?" Tanith remarked.

"I can't believe this.. " Valkyrie said. "Nye cuts _me _open but it leaves Fletcher alone? What is up with that? I'm suspicious."

"Yeah, me too - Oh, are those Strepsils?"

Skulduggery entered. "Did somebody say Strepsils?"

"I said Strepsils!"

"How did he - No, I'm not saying it."

"Ah, come on, Val - "

"NO!"

"Killjoy."

Meanwhile, many miles away, Dr. Nye smiled as it gazed at Fletcher Renn's brain, pickled in a jar. They probably wouldn't even notice it was gone...

THE END

**A/N: I wrote that in five minutes. You can tell, can't you.**

**Anyway, if you'd like to read a SP version of Horse Outside, tell me cos I have it written and I'll post it if you want me to... **


	23. Teleporter Outside

**Teleporter Outside**

**Well... This is based on the song 'Horse Outside' by the Rubberbandits. If you're from outside Ireland, odds are you'll never have heard of them, so look it up now, if you don't mind lots of swearing. XD**

**I have, however, changed the word 'fuck' to 'fudge' for this version - this is a K+ story after all. Enjoy :DDDD**

_I'm at Crystal's wedding, in a church on Thomas Street_

_I'm looking at the best man and he's looking back at me_

Valkyrie sat in the front row and gazed at Crystal as she simperingly said her vows. Her bridegroom looked slightly lost, which Valkyrie believed would probably become a permanent state for him after he'd married Crystal.

Crystal, Valkyrie presumed, had tried to model her wedding on the royal wedding but failed. Her dress, modelled on Kate Middleton's, looked more like it had been sewn by Beryl. Actually, it had.

This was not a good thing.

Crystal was also wearing so much makeup that a little kid had mistaken her face for a Halloween pumpkin and yelled 'Trick or treat!' in her ear. This was not a good thing either.

Still, she looked happy. Carol was bridesmaid, holding up Crystal's train, but she had already dropped it four times and stood on it twice. She chewed gum throughout the whole ceremony and at one point tried to sneak a cigarette but Beryl glared at her, so she didn't.

But Valkyrie's attention was focused on the best man, Kris. She was in love.

Everyone was. He was the only guy there without a car, so naturally all the girls wanted to offer him a lift.

_And when the service ends, ask him if he wants a lift_

_Back to the hotel, and if it goes well, maybe we could shift_

The Mass dragged on. After Crystal and her husband, Bob, had been married, people started to stream rapidly out of the church. Val caught up with Kris.

'Hey.'

'Hey, Stephanie. All right?'

'Sure. I was just wondering if you needed a lift to the reception?'

_He says, Itzi drives a Mitzy, and she offered me a spin_

_Brenda has a Honda, so I might just go with them_

_And Clara Gibney said she'd bring me in her Subaru_

_So what the fudge would make you think I'd wanna go with you?_

'Because...'

_Fudge your Honda Civic, I've a Teleporter outside_

_Fudge your Subaru I have a Teleporter outside_

_and fudge your Mitsubishi I've a Teleporter outside_

_If you're looking for a ride I've a Teleporter outside_

He looked sceptical.

_He said I don't believe ya_

_I said it's fudgin true_

'Seriously. He's like my personal chaffeur.'

'Oh, come on, Val...'

_I met him in a Meath hotel in 1992_

_I don't need insurance, don't need no parkin space_

_And if you try to clamp my Teleporter he'll kick you in the face_

_I don't need no tax, fudge NCT_

_You'll arrive in style if you ride with me_

He still looked slightly sceptical. Three girls in way-too-short dresses and way-too-thick makeup, friends of the twins, sidled over to him, car keys in their hands.

_And the girls are walking over, jinglin' their keys_

_I look the fudgers up and down and give them one of these_

Valkyrie made a peace sign.

_I said fudge your Honda Civic, I've a teleporter outside_

_Fudge your Subaru I have a Teleporter outside_

_And fudge your Mitsubishi I've a Teleporter outside_

_If you're looking for a ride, I've a Teleporter outside_

'Bring it,' said Brenda with the Honda.

_He can go anywhere at any time, bless my soul_

_He's been by my side since I was fourteen years old_

_He talks a bit like Britney, and he doesn't think at all_

_He looks a bit like Jedward after way too much Red Bull_

Kris looked impressed. 'Where is he?'

Valkyrie led him outside. Fletcher was sitting at a dressing table laden with hair product in the middle of the street, and he was gelling his hair with intense concentration as he stared in the mirror.

'Put that away, Fletch,' said Valkyrie. 'We've got a passenger.'

_Fudge your Honda Civic, I've a Teleporter outside_

_Fudge your Subaru, I have a Teleporter outside_

_Fudge your Mitsubishi, I've a Teleporter outside_

_If you're looking for a ride, I've a Teleporter outside_

As poor, long-suffering Fletcher Renn took Valkyrie's hand, who in turn took Kris's, Valkyrie and Kris stared into each other's eyes and Kris grinned and leaned forward and -

'AVADA KEDAVRA BITCHES!'

Lord Voldemort Apparated in front of them waving a wand. They all screamed and jumped back.

'Wait!' said Kris. 'You can magically appear places, too! And you make a cool noise when you do it, instead of that stupid popping noise Teleporters make. Can you give me a lift to Hotel Haggard?'

'Indeed,' said Voldemort, 'and I will do it with a look of burning indifference on my face, so nobody knows how thrilled I am to be appreciated. Take my robe, Wormtail. I mean, random Muggle. Dear me, I do miss Wormtail...'

Kris held onto the sleeve of Voldemort's robe.

'NOOOOOOOO!' howled Valkyrie.

CRACK. Voldemort and Kris vanished into thin air. Valkyrie rounded on Fletcher.

'You and your stupid popping noises!'

'Oh come on, Val,' sighed Fletcher. 'We all know it's me you _really _want.' And then suddenly, without warning, he leaned forward and kissed her.

They pulled apart. Valkyrie took a deep breath. 'We should really get to the reception...'

Fletcher grinned and extended his hand. 'Your wish is my command, m'lady.'

_Fudge your Honda Civic I've a Teleporter outside_

_Fudge your Subaru I've a Teleporter outside_

_Fudge your Mitsubishi I've a Teleporter outside_

_If you're looking for a ride I've a Teleporter outside_

Just then - when you thought the story was going to end, and it really should have, but no - Bob and Crystal came running over.

'The limo left without us,' said Crystal sulkily.

Fletcher looked at Valkyrie. She shook her head violently.

So Fletcher handed Crystal an over-65s bus pass.

'Where'd you get this?' asked Crystal, frowning.

'I'd rather you didn't ask.'

Crystal shrugged and went to the bus stop with Bob. It was raining now. Her veil was drooping and her train was all muddy. Beryl joined them at the bus stop, snivelling because the whole thing had been such a fail.

'Hang on!' said Fletcher as the bus came, and the bride, groom and mother of the bride got on board. 'Who wants to turn this wedding around?'

'Fletcher, I told you last time. I'M NOT BELLA SWAN.'

'Fine, fine. It's not my fault the writer keeps overusing this plotline.'

THE END

**A/N: Yay for Crystal and her husband Bob XD**

**What shall I name that ship, then? Crob? Bobstal?**

**Thanks to Tariana for the lovely review and the encouragement to write this chapter XD **

**And VOTE FOR JEDWARD IN THE EUROVISION SEMI FINAL ON THURSDAY or I'll set Steve on you...**

**...Who is, by the way, now married to Reia. Congratulations, Reia! XD And thanks for the brilliant chapter ideas, too, I'll defo be using those in the future :)**

**Peace out.**

**Onyx**


	24. The Prisoners of Azerbaijan

**Jedward and the Prisoners of Azerbaijan**

**A/N: This was Reia Kellyn's idea :) I think she deserves a chapter dedication. THANK YOU, REIA!**

**Anyway, this is set during the Eurovision Song Contest XD**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Jedward. (I love them though). And I don't own Elle. Or Nicky. Spelling?**

It was backstage at the Eurovision Song Contest. Elle and Nicky, who had just won the competition for Azerbaijan literally ten minutes ago with their song _Running Scared,_, were celebrating their victory with a passionate makeout session.

Little did they know Edward Grimes was standing on his brother's shoulders in order to watch them through the pane of glass over the dressing room door.

'What can you see, Edward?' asked John, who was having a hard time not falling over.

'They're kissing. It's like, so gross,' said Edward in disgusted tones.

'Can they see you?'

'No.' Edward made vomiting noises. 'John, I'm actually serious OK, my eyes are burning... _This_ is the reason I only watch PG rated films.'

'Ew,' said John. 'Right, let's do this thing OK?'

'What thing?'

'The thing of kidnapping Elle and Nicky and, like, keeping them prisoner so they can't beat us in the charts.'

'Oh, yeah, that thing. Yeah, let's do it.' Edward climbed down from John's shoulders.

'Now?'

'Now!'

The twins rammed their shoulder pads against the door and broke it down. Then they ran into the dressing room yelling a battle cry and Elle and Nicky sprang apart, looking startled.

'TAKE THAT, BLOCK VOTING!' John yelled, throwing a massive fishing net over the two singers. Elle screamed.

'SECURITY!' roared Nicky in Azerbaijani, but nobody came.

'We should have, like, gagged them or something,' Edward observed.

'Too late,' said John and tied a knot at the top of the net. Together, they dragged the screaming singers back to their own dressing room and heaved the net into one of their massive suitcases.

A horrifying thought struck John.

'Edward, where are we going to put our shoes?'

'We'll take one of their suitcases,' said Edward. 'It's not like they're going to need them or anything. Right, Elle and Nicky?'

Elle and Nicky screamed again. John zipped the suitcase and their screams were muffled.

'We'll back in Dublin in the morning,' Edward grinnned.

Both twins laughed in a very evil way and headed for the afterparty.

'Good evening and welcome to the nine o'clock news. The main news tonight: Elle and Nicky, the Azerbaijani winners of this year's Eurovision Song Contest, have mysteriously gone missing from backstage last night. They were last seen entering their dressing room after their final performance, but they are no longer there and according to sources, they haven't been seen since.'

Skulduggery Pleasant sighed impatiently as the screen changed to show a teary-eyed woman surrounded by microphones. He was waiting for the Meath v Kildare match to come on.

'I am Elle's mother, and Nicky's mother-in-law,' the teary-eyed woman said, 'and I'm really worried about them... It's really not like them to just disappear and not tell anybody where they are... They were supposed to be back in Azerbaijan last night but they haven't come. The whole family and all their friends are worried sick. No-one has seen them since last night. I'm worried they've been kidnapped.'

Now it showed Jedward in Dublin Airport, also surrounded by microphones.

'It definitely wasn't us,' said Edward.

'Yeah, we totally didn't have anything to do with it,' added John.

The newsreader came back onto the screen.

'The singers' families are concerned and a major search is underway. If anyone has seen Elle or Nicky, they are asked to please notify the police.' She cleared her throat and shuffled her notes. 'There was drama in Buckingham Palace last night when Kate Middleton's tiara fell off...'

Skulduggery turned off the TV and slumped back onto the sofa. China had claimed to have a case for them. Judging by the evil smirk on her face as she'd announced it, he guessed that this was the case.

'I'm the Skeleton Detective,' he muttered unhappily. 'I'm above this.'

Mumbling about degradation and humiliation, he changed channels and put on _'I'm A Zombie Get Me Out Of Here.' _Scapegrace and Thrasher were supposed to be on that night.

'That's better,' he said and put his feet up.

**THE END**

**A/N: I DON'T EVEN KNOW OKAY.**

**The end was weird. **

**There could be a part 2 if you guys want, then it might make more sense.**

**Please review? :DDD**


	25. Indifference

**Indifference**

**A/N: I was bored, so I wrote this while listening to Lady Gaga on repeat.**

"Narrow your eyes."

Valkyrie narrowed her eyes.

"That's excellent eye-narrowing, Valkyrie, well done. Now press your lips together."

Valkyrie pressed her lips together, looking threatening. Skulduggery nodded approval.

"Great job," he said. "I think that's the Interrogation face perfected."

"Yay," said Valkyrie.

"Now," said Skulduggery, "onto Indifference. This is easy. Completely relax your face. That's right. COMPLETELY RELAX IT."

"It's completely relaxed."

"Now, think of blank pages and bored fish and paint drying. Really make me feel your indifference. I WANT TO FEEL YOUR INDIFFERENCE! THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH VALKYRIE! YOU HAVE TO REALLY MAKE ME FEEL YOUR INDIFFERENCE!"

"I'M TRYING!" Valkyrie shouted.

Skulduggery shook his skull. "No. No, no, no, no, no. Indifferent people do not shout! THEY KEEP THEIR VOICES BLANK AND WITHOUT EMOTION!"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP MY VOICE BLANK AND WITHOUT EMOTION IF YOU KEEP YELLING AT ME?" Valkyrie screamed.

Skulduggery roared "YOU'RE LOSING YOUR TEMPER VALKYRIE! STOP LOSING YOUR TEMPER!"

"I'M TRYING!" Valkyrie yelled.

"ACT LIKE CAELAN!" Skulduggery yelled.

Valkyrie relaxed her facial muscles into a blank, dead-eyed stare.

Skulduggery nodded. "Nooow you've got it. When people interrogate you, Valkyrie, you must always give them this blank stare. Show no emotion. Got that? No emotion whatsoever."

"Got it."

"Great. Now, I want you to practise your indifferent voice. Say the following sentence: 'Skulduggery Pleasant is an amazing genius.'"

"Skulduggery Pleasant is an amazing genius," Valkyrie repeated indifferently.

"Oh, come on, Valkyrie. A bit more feeling."

"I thought I was supposed to be indifferent?"

Skulduggery sounded hurt. "Valkyrie, _no-one_ should say that sentence in an indifferent way!"

Valkyrie sighed. "Fine! SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT IS AN AMAZING GENIUS!"

"Fabulous. OK, now back to indifference. I will proceed to interrogate you and possibly bombard you with unexpected information, but no matter what I say, you must keep a straight face. Understood?"

"Understood."

Skulduggery suddenly yelled "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CRIME?"

Valkyrie was confuzzled. "What crime?"

"Actually, you're supposed to say calmly, 'I do not know anything about this crime,'" Skulduggery corrected her, 'but the confused approach works too! Well done for showing initiative."

"Thanks."

"Now please do as I tell you in future."

"Yes, Skulduggery."

"So. Indifference." Skulduggery put on a shocked voice. "Oh, Valkyrie, terrible news! Your hamster has just died!"

"I don't have a hamster," said Valkyrie.

Skulduggery was frustrated. "You don't have to have a hamster! Just act indifferent!"

"Sorry."

"Now, again - Oh, Valkyrie, terrible news! Your hamster has just died!"

She blinked indifferently. "Oh."

"Excellent," said Skulduggery approvingly. "You're learning. Right, onto the next test." He put his hand on his heart - or at least, where his heart used to be - in mock disbelief. "Oh, Valkyrie, wonderful news!" he squealed. "Your mother has just given birth to a beautiful baby girl!"

Valkyrie sat up and screamed. "OHMIGOSH REALLY?"

Skulduggery sighed. "This is going to take a long time..."

Just then, Caelan burst in, wearing a blonde Hannah-Montana style wig and a frilly dress. 'GUYS!' he shrieked. 'I'M GONNA BE A MOTHER!'

'What? No you're not. It's my mum who's having a baby,' said Valkyrie.

'YOUR MOTHER IS NOT HAVING A BABY!' Skulduggery yelled at her. 'THAT WAS PART OF THE TEST!'

'Ohhhhh.' A look of crushing disappointment crossed Valkyrie's face. Skulduggery felt slighty guilty for a second, but Caelan in a wig and dress was too distracting to let him focus on his guilt for long.

'Is he part of the test, too?' Valkyrie asked.

'No, he is not,' said Skulduggery with as much dignity as he could.

'OK. Caelan. I have to ask. Why are you cross-dressing, and why do you seem to think you're pregnant?' Valkyrie enquired.

'I'm not _pregnant_,' said Caelan in an unusually high-pitched, girlish voice. 'I'm adopting! I'm going to have a little baby girl! Or boy! Isn't it just _beautiful?'_

'Your dress isn't,' said Valkyrie bluntly.

Caelan didn't seem to notice the insult. He did a twirl. 'I'm in a wig and dress because I've come to a crossroads in my life where I realised that to be happy, I have to be in touch with the true me. And if the true me is feminine, then I'm going to be a woman. I want you to call me Kayla from now on.'

'That shouldn't be difficult,' said Skulduggery. 'I've been calling you that in my head for years. It'll be so refreshing to be able to say it out loud.'

Caelan smiled a lipsticky smile. 'And Valkyrie, I want you to be godmother to my child!'

'That's probably not a good idea,' warned Skulduggery.

Valkyrie ignored him. 'Sure! And Caelan - I mean Kayla?'

'Yes, dear?'

'Now that you're a woman, does that mean you'll stop asking me out and stuff?' Valkyrie asked hopefully.

Caelan/Kayla blinked thoughtfully. 'Well, yes, probably.'

Valkyrie did a little happy dance.

'Valkyrie,' said Skulduggery. 'Indifference please.'

'Oh sorry,' said Valkyrie and stopped happy dancing.

'Well, bye-bye chickies!' cooed Caelan, blowing them a kiss. 'I've got to dash. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, you know!'

He skipped away.

'I think I definitely prefer the new Caelan to the old one,' said Valkyrie.

'So do I, orange one,' said Skulduggery. 'So do I.'

**A/N: Couldn't resist the Potter Puppet Pals reference. XD**


	26. Zombie Love Story

Thrasher walked slowly out of the cinema, trudging like an elephant with gout. He stopped and leaned against the wall to reattach his nose, which had fallen off from crying too much.

It was the worst day of his life. The Harry Potter movie series was over. There was nothing left to live for.

Through all the pain and suffering, the rejections from Scapegrace, the fights and the lies and general discomfort, Harry Potter had been the light at the end of the tunnel. He'd been depressed when the book series came to an end, too, but at least he knew he'd still have the films. But now the films were also over and he'd lost the will to live.

He took the bus home, crying all the way.

'YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.'

Vaurien Scapegrace burst wide-eyed through the doors of China's library. Valkyrie, Skulduggery, China, Tanith, Ghastly and Fletcher looked up.

'How many times do I have to tell you?' China asked furiously. 'NO ZOMBIES ALLOWED!'

'I refuse to live by your unjust rules,' said Scapegrace. He turned to Skulduggery. 'It's Thrasher. He's - he's...'

He burst into tears. Valkyrie ran over to give him a hug, but had to step back when she realised how bad he smelled.

'What's wrong with him?' she asked, gingerly patting him on the head instead.

'I think he's dead,' whispered Scapegrace. His eyes filled with fresh tears.

'Of course he's dead,' said Skulduggery impatiently. 'You're dead too. I'm dead. Fletcher's brain-dead.'

'Hey!' said Fletcher. He paused. 'Actually, I don't know what that means. But it sounded insulting.'

'You don't understaaaaaaand,' Scapegrace wailed. 'Thrasher's actually dead. Not _un_dead. Dead. I don't know how it happened, but you have to come!'

'I have better things to do -' Skulduggery began, but Valkyrie was already putting on her coat. 'Of course we'll help you, Scapegrace.'

Skulduggery activated his facade so he could give her a resentful glare, then deactivated it again. 'Fine,' he said, getting up. 'To the Skulmobile!'

China's assistant, the bow-tie man, gave Scapegrace some tissues and escorted them out the door. They got into the Bentley and drove to the zombies' secret lair.

'How do you know where it is?' Scapegrace mumbled tearfully. 'It's supposed to be secret.'

'It's about as secret as Burger King,' said Skulduggery.

'FML.'

They got out of the car and went into the lair, which was actually a comfortable suburban bungalow, and Scapegrace led them to the kitchen. Thrasher was lying motionless on the floor.

'Oh dear,' said Valkyrie, crossing herself. Scapegrace bent his head.

Skulduggery walked over and inspected the body. 'I don't know how he managed to do it,' he said, 'but it looks like suicide.'

'Noooooooo!' Scapegrace cried. 'I never even got to tell him I loved him... maybe if I had, he wouldn't have done it!'

'I'm sorry, Vaurien,' said Skulduggery.

Vaurien knelt beside Thrasher and held his hand, shaking with grief. 'I think now would be a good moment to read my poem,' he said hoarsely.

'Oh God,' Skulduggery hissed to Valkyrie. 'Let's leave.'

But Valkyrie shook her head. 'Go ahead, Vaurien,' she said solemnly.

Scapegrace took a crumpled piece of paper out of his coat pocket. 'I wrote this for you, Thrasher. It's called _Thrasher.'_

'What a great title,' said Skulduggery, trying to be supportive, but Valkyrie just glared at him.

'Gerald - known as Thrasher - I have never loved another

Until last year when I pretended you were Adolf, my dead brother.

I admire you almost as much as I admire myself, the Killer Supreme,

If it wasn't for you my house would not be clean.

How I missed our impromptu murders in the Sanctuary halls, in cupboards, on stages -

Where the hell were all the mages?

We've seen everything eye to eye, all the pain, all the hurt

I swear I didn't steal this poem from Kurt,

We've shared so many intimate moments, memories that shine and glitter

Just the two of us, SkulBook, MySpace, Tumblr and Twitter.

Since we met it's been absolute heaven,

Except for that time we almost died in 2007.

I'm so thankful to have a partner as awesome as me,

And forever we shall be, unless the writer changes things in chapter thirty-three.'

Scapegrace gave an emotional sniff and folded up his piece of paper.

Thrasher sat up. 'Master?'

Scapegrace gasped. 'Thrasher? You're alive?'

'I think my suicide attempt failed,' said Thrasher sheepishly. 'That was a really nice poem. And I was wrong. I thought I had nothing to live for, but I do. I have you. I love you, Master Veevee.'

Scapegrace's eyes brimmed with happy tears. 'I love you too, Thrasher.'

Skulduggery turned to Valkyrie. 'NOW can we leave?'

'Yes, OK,' said Valkyrie.

And they all lived happily ever after.

**A/N: :DDDDDDDDDDDD**

**The original poem was from the Klaine skit on the last day of the Glee tour in Dublin (and no I wasn't there but I so wish I was.) If you haven't heard it already, here it is:**

_'Blaine Warbler Anderson, I have never loved another,_

_Except for last year when I was in love with my stepbrother,_

_I admire you almost as much as I admire the late Alexander McQueen,_

_You squint when you sing,_

_How I missed our impromptu performances in the Dalton Academy halls, the rooms, the bleachers,_

_where the hell were all the teachers?_

_We ve seen everything eye to eye, all the pain, all the hurt,_

_at least we did till my last growth spurt,_

_We ve shared so many intimate moments, memories that shine and glitter,_

_Just the two of us, Facebook, MySpace, Tumblr and Twitter,_

_Since we've met its been absolute heaven,_

_For your Emmy consideration, 2011._

_But through all the glory, the scary and the hype,_

_I swear to god I'm going to punch the next person that calls me a stereotype_

_I'm so thankful to have found a partner as talented as me,_

_and forever we shall be unless the writers change things in Season 3.'_


	27. Babysitting

One fine day in the middle of the night, Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain were out investigating a brain-meltingly important case.

'Do you really think we're ever going to find out who did this?' Valkyrie asked suddenly. They'd been walking for three hours straight and her knees were starting to hurt. 'I think we should just give up and go home.'

'Valkyrie, I think you underestimate just how brain-meltingly important this is.'

'Oh?'

'We will find out who made that stain in my carpet if it kills us.'

Valkyrie sighed.

Meanwhile, Desmond and Melissa Edgely were at a fancy dress party in Dublin. Or at least, Desmond had thought it was fancy dress. Everyone else was in dresses and tuxedos, while Desmond was dressed as a banana.

'This is so embarrassing,' he said.

'Don't worry about it, darling,' said Melissa. 'At least you look original. And look, there's Gladys in her peanut suit!' [**A/N: FLASHBACK TO BOOK ONE! Ah the memories...]**

'Great,' said Desmond sarcastically. 'This is just great. I may forget my underwear on occasion. I may even forget my trousers. But I never, ever thought there would ever be a time when I looked like Gladys.'

'You look much better than Gladys,' Melissa assured him. 'Very - very Lady Gaga.'

Desmond thought about this and brightened slightly. 'Do you think the twins are doing a good job babysitting?'

Melissa groaned. 'Don't remind me. We should never have left our only daughter with Carol and Crystal.'

'She's not our only daughter, is she?' Desmond said, confuzzled. 'I was pretty sure we had another one.'

'Oh, yeah. Stephanie.' Melissa bit her lip. 'I really wish she hadn't chosen tonight to go off somewhere. I trust her far more than I trust Carol and Crystal, that's for sure.'

'Relax,' Desmond advised her. 'Everything will be fine. And if it isn't, we can always get a dog.'

Melissa paled.

'Sorry.'

Alison was screaming.

Carol and Crystal were panicking.

'What do you WANT, you devil child?' Crystal screamed at her.

'Maybe she wants tacos?' Carol suggested. 'I always feel like screaming when I want tacos.'

'You DO scream when you want tacos.'

'Oh.'

Alison kept screaming.

'I don't think you're supposed to feed tacos to babies,' Crystal said desperately.

'What ARE you supposed to feed to babies, then?'

'I don't know. Milk?'

They ran to the fridge.

'I don't believe it,' Carol wailed. 'They're out of milk.'

'Damn those lazy cows!' Crystal shrieked.

'What else do they have?' yelled Carol.

'Coke? Can babies have Coke?'

'No!'

'Mayonnaise? Guinness? Carrots?'

'No, no, no...'

They both turned anxiously towards the baby, who was still screaming her little head off.

'Let's just go,' said Crystal, grabbing her twin's arm, 'let's just leave her here...'

'We can't! We have to look after her... we have to be nice or Fletcher will never fall in love with us.'

'He'll never fall in love with _you _anyway.'

'Well, we both know he's not going to fall in love with _you_...'

'Bitch! He's mine!'

Their catfight causing them to momentarily forget about the crisis, the twins suddenly remembered the still-wailing baby in the kitchen.

'What are we going to _do_?' Carol wailed, nearly hysterical.

'I don't know! How can she even yell that loud? She's so tiny!'

'Can we drug her?'

'That's against the law.'

'Who even cares?'

'Do you have any drugs?'

'No...'

Crystal suddenly remembered something. 'Hey, you know that episode of Friends where Rachel's baby won't shut up?'

'Oh yeah! Monica gets her to go to sleep!'

'How?'

'She walks around with her and sings to her or something...'

'OK, let's try that.'

'You pick her up.'

'No, you pick her up.'

'She might throw up on me!'

'She might throw up on _me_!'

'Who cares? Your top is so gross it would be an improvement.'

Crystal let out a shriek of rage and launched herself at Carol, trying to tear her hair out. The sounds of them fighting combined with the sound of Alison yelling was causing their long-suffering neighbours to seriously consider moving to Australia.

'OKAY FINE!' Carol screamed after a particularly painful poke in the eye. 'I'LL DO IT!'

She picked up Alison and walked around in circles with her, making desperate 'ssh' noises and having no effect on her screaming cousin whatsoever.

'You're doing it wrong,' snapped Crystal. 'Here, let me do it...'

She took Alison from Carol and proceeded to do exactly the same thing, which had exactly the same effect. Alison still didn't stop crying.

'Sing to her!' shouted Carol.

Crystal launched into an off-key rendition of _Papa Don't Preach. _Alison screamed louder. The people next door ran out of their house and caught the midnight train going anywhere.

Carol clicked her fingers to the music. Suddenly, sparks flew and a flame generated in her hand. She screamed.

'OMFG! CRYSTALLOOKI'MDOINGMAGIC! CRYSTAAAAAAAAAL!'

Crystal stopped singing and screamed as well. 'OHMIGODCAROLWTF!111!1'

The flame vanished.

'Here,' said Crystal breathlessly, 'do it again for Alison, maybe it'll make her stop screaming...'

'Alison,' said Carol, 'look, Alison, look what I can do...'

She snapped her fingers and another flame appeared. Alison abruptly stopped screaming. The sudden silence was deafening.

Crystal whimpered. 'Am I dreaming?'

Carol beamed. 'I don't believe it! I knew I wasn't too short!'

Alison stared, transfixed, at the flame. Then her head dropped and she fell fast asleep in Crystal's arms, completely exhausted.

Carol extinguished the flame with shaking fingers and sank to the floor, crying with relief, while Crystal put Alison to bed in her cot.

'Hello, girls,' said Melissa, coming in the door. 'Everything OK?'

The twins were sitting on the floor looking drained.

'Yes,' croaked Crystal. 'Grand.'

Melissa looked anxiously at Alison, sleeping like an angel in her cot. She relaxed, and her face lit up.

'I should get you two to babysit more often!'

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' the twins screamed in deafening unison.

Alison woke up.

**A/N: I love teh twinz. :DDDDDD**

**It's 1.28 a.m. My brain is weird late at night so I hope that was OK XD**

**Is anyone going to Edinburgh to see Derek? TAKE ME WITH YOU. I want Death Bringer so badly. SO BADLY XD**

**Ah well. It's just two extra weeks. I can wait two weeks. **

**I think.**

**I'm so sorry for the huge wait between chapters :( I'll update more frequently in future, promise.**

**Review? :)**


	28. The Vortex

**A/N: Yaaaaay! 100 REVIEWS! *dances like a mad thing* THANK YOUUU! **

**This is ANOTHER PPP-based chapter. XD This one is based on The Vortex :) Also, who's seen their newest vid, 'Ginny'? Oh my Dobby it's hilarious XD**

**Anyway, enjoy :L**

It was an incredibly boring afternoon in the Sanctuary. Guild was in the middle of telling Skulduggery about a dream he had had the night before.

' - and then the flowers fell from my hand, shattering like glass. And when I looked in the mirror, I was a beautiful milkmaid, but then I woke up crying, and I don't know why,' said Guild.

'Once when I was alive,' said Skulduggery, 'I had a dream I was a baby pig, living on a farm. Oink! Oink!'

'No, you don't understand. It was a life changing vision. I may never be the same. I - '

Valkyrie and China came running into the room. Well, Valkyrie came running. China walked. Elegantly.

'Skulduggery! We need your help! Magical emergency!' Valkyrie yelled.

'Oh boy!' said Skulduggery. 'Let's go!'

'Fletcher's trapped in an alternate dimension,' China explained.

'Oh no,' said Skulduggery. 'Not again. It's not the one with the Faceless Ones, is it?'

'Nah. That would be far too serious.'

They piled into the Bentley and drove to Gordon's. When they entered the living room, they saw a glowing ball of light hovering in midair. Fletcher's voice could be heard floating out of it. 'Oh, it's the most terrible thing! It tickles in all the wrong ways!'

'This wouldn't happen if you had better hair,' Valkyrie said. 'What should we do, Skulduggery?'

'Hmmmm,' said Skulduggery. 'Fetch me the problem stick!'

The problem stick was Wreath's Necromancer cane.

'ARGH! I THINK I'M GOING THROUGH PUBERTY!' they heard Fletcher shout.

'Don't go into the light Fletcher!' called China.

'Here it is,' said Valkyrie, handing Skulduggery Wreath's cane. (Meanwhile, in the Necromancer temple: 'WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CANE?' Wreath bellowed.)

'Ah yes, my old friend,' said Skulduggery. 'Let's see if I can still do this.' He paused, and turned to look at them. 'The reason we can do this without a Teleporter and an Isthmus Anchor is because... Oh, I don't know. It's just crackfic. Here we go!'

He jabbed the cane through the portal and Fletcher fell out and landed on the floor. 'Whoa.'

'Are you okay, Fletcher?' Valkyrie asked.

'Val babe, are you kidding me?' said Fletcher in a much deeper voice than usual. He stood up, and they saw that he was wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses like Bono. 'I'm a man now. Sup?'

Valkyrie giggled uncharacteristically. 'Oh, Fletcher...'

'It's The Fletch now,' he corrected her. 'Wassup China?'

'Wow, you're much cooler than Skulduggery,' said China.

'What?' Skulduggery gasped.

'Let's have a beach party,' said Fletcher. 'In London.'

He teleported them to London. They had a beach party. Despite the fact that there are no beaches in London.

'NO! NO!' yelled Skulduggery and the music abruptly cut off. He grabbed Fletcher and shook him so that his sunglasses fell off. 'I RULE THE WORLD, YOU HEAR? I'M TOP DOG! NO-ONE CAN HAVE MORE TESTOSTERONE THAN ME, EVEN THOUGH I'M A SKELETON SO TECHNICALLY I DON'T HAVE ANY TESTOSTERONE ANYWAY! CAUSE I'M SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT, AND I'M THE SKELETON DETECTIVE... AND I'M SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT, OKAY?'

'I'm so sorry, Skulduggery,' Fletcher said, quivering.

'Well, good!' said Skulduggery. 'Now let's have a dance party. In London.'

The music started again, and Skulduggery jumped up onto the stage and grabbed the mic.

'My name is Skulduggery, I'm the king of the world. I'm better than everybody, in the world. I'm hip and I'm awesome, all the girls know my name. Sk-sk-sk-skulduggery, that is my name. Skulduggery, Skulduggery... do the shooby-doo-wap!'

'Shooby-doo-wap, shooby-do-wap,' went China, Valkyrie and Fletcher, always the obedient backing singers.

'I defeated Serpine when I was four hundred. I was even awesome, when I was four hundred. My wife and child died, when I was twenty. I turned into a skeleton, without any skin. Skulduggery Pleasant!'

'Shooby-doo-wap, shooby-do-wap!'

'Skulduggery Pleasant!'

'Shooby-do-wap!'

'Skulduggery Pleasant!'

'Shooby-do-wap!'

'That's meeee!'

The song ended and Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie, China and Fletcher. 'You guys are my best friends, you know that?' he said, his voice brimming with emotion. 'Apart from Ghastly and Tanith and Erskine and Anton, obviously. And maybe Finbar. But they're not here.'

'Oh, Skulduggery,' said Valkyrie, wiping away a tear.

'You're going to be alright, Skulduggery,' said China gracefully, putting an arm around his bony shoulder.

'We'll always love you, Skulduggery,' Valkyrie assured him.

'I love you too, Skul! Will you be my father substitute?' Fletcher asked over-eagerly.

'Cut your hair before you hug me, Renn,' was Skulduggery's crushing response.

'Huh?'

THE END


	29. Proposal Fail

'It's a beautiful night, we're lookin' for something dumb to do... hey babeh, I think I wanna marry youuuu!'

As Fletcher Renn wandered through his house happily singing to himself, he was filled with a sense of joy and purpose. He was going to do it. He was going to ask her to marry him.

It had been an easy decision for Fletcher to make. He'd always wanted to marry her, ever since they met in fact. Watching the royal wedding on TV had inspired him to finally act. The feel of the ring in his pocket made butterflies flutter in his stomach, but his mind was made up and there was no going back.

Or was there?

She answered the door. 'Fletcher!' she exclaimed, looking surprised. 'What are you doing here?'

Fletcher swallowed. _DO IT, _his brain screamed at him. _GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE RIGHT THERE ON THE 'WELCOME' DOORMAT. GET THE RING OUT. ASK HER TO MARRY YOU._

He couldn't do it. He was a coward. He'd always been a coward. That was why he was so bad at killing people.

He sighed.

'I just came to say hello,' he said, forcing a smile on his face.

'Oh,' she said. 'Well, hello.'

'Hello.'

'Hello.'

'We should probably make out,' she said, 'to diffuse the awkwardness.'

'OK.'

The kiss tasted of failure.

* * *

They were in the park, the summer sun beating down on their faces and ducks quacking on the pond. Fletcher loved ducks. They were his favourite animal. He was in a good mood. Sun and ducks and Valkyrie. What a wonderful combination.

He had the ring in his pocket again, the accusing weight of it heavy and foreboding, the only thing dampening his happiness. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach again. He took deep breaths.

'Fletcher?' Valkyrie asked, twining her fingers around his. 'Are you all right?'

'I'm grand,' he said. 'Hey...'

'What?'

'I was wondering if...'

'If what?'

'Well, I was wondering if, uh...'

'Yes?'

'If you wanted to - if you wanted to - '

She looked at him expectantly.

'If you wanted to... feed the ducks,' he mumbled.

'Sure,' she said. 'Come on!' She got to her feet and headed towards the duckpond, dragging Fletcher along with her.

Fletcher hated himself.

* * *

They were curled up on the sofa in Fletcher's apartment, watching _Mamma Mia!. _It was the wedding scene. It made Fletcher ache with both longing and jealousy.

If only it was he and Valkyrie in a church like that, getting married and randomly bursting into song every ten minutes!

It could happen, he reminded himself. It could happen, if he was actually able to _ask _her first...

He surreptitiously slipped his hand into his pocket, feeling for the ring. Yep. It was there all right.

'Hey, Val,' he said.

'Mmm?'

'Can I ask you something?'

Onscreen, they were singing _I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do. _Fletcher felt determination and resolve swelling up inside him. Or maybe it was just the wine he'd drunk.

'In a minute,' said his significant other. 'When the song is over.'

Fletcher sank back into the cushions and watched. When the singing had stopped, she turned to him. 'Well?'

'Umm...'

It was too late. His newfound courage had disappeared like Scapegrace confronted with a Chihuahua.

'Yeah? What is it?' she pressed gently.

'Um, I forget.'

She sighed, exasperatedly, and turned back to the TV. Fletcher inwardly kicked himself.

_Next time, _he promised himself. _Next time._

* * *

Fletcher's doorbell rang. He went to answer it, rubbing sleep out of his bleary eyes. It was eight a.m. and he'd just woken up.

His girlfriend was standing on the step. Before he even had a chance to greet her, she'd gotten down on one knee and pulled a small box out of her pocket with a diamond ring nestled inside the lining.

His jaw dropped. Literally, it dropped on the ground. He hastily reattached it, his eyes filling with tears.

'Fletcher Renn, will you marry me?' she asked.

'Yes,' he cried. 'Yes, yes, yes!'

He slipped the ring onto his finger and took out the ring he'd bought out of his pocket and slipped it onto hers. They embraced.

'I love you, Fletcher Renn.'

'I love you too, Valkyrie Cain.'

Relief washed over him like a tidal wave as he held his fiancee tight.

'Thanks for taking the initiative,' he murmured into her hair.

She smiled. 'Well, someone had to do it.'

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the fluffiness XD I was in the mood for some Fletchyrie (well, actually, this was Val/Scapegrace to begin with, but I did a last minute find and replace and switched all the Scapegraces to Fletchers. XD)**

**I'm back at school and it sucks :( Who shares my mental anguish? I'm like a ... depressed gloomy puddle right now. Seriously. Where did the summer go?**

**On the bright side though...**

**DEATH BRINGER IN THREE DAYS WOOHOO! :DDDDD**

**Thanks for reading :)**


	30. Caella

**A/N: This chapter was inspired by the quote in Death Bringer: 'We're not even Edward and Bella, okay?'  
It contains some Twilight bashing, but don't be offended cos I actually don't mind Twilight (Cheryl Cole accent: it's me guilty pleasah) XD  
There are no Death Bringer spoilers. I think.  
And and and  
T****he song Scapegrace sings to Thrasher is basically **_**Ginny **_**from A Very Potter Musical with some words - obviously - changed. Enjoy XD**

* * *

It was twilight and the air was calm and still. Scapegrace and Thrasher were taking a romantic walk and Scapegrace was strumming his guitar as he serenaded Thrasher with a song he'd written.

'_You really are a smasher, we both like eating rashers... Thrasher. I'm the Dennis to your Gnasher, the potato to your masher... Thrasher. You're awesomer than Santa's reindeer Dasher, if a girl insulted you I'd bash h -'_

'HEY!'

They turned around to see a girl standing there.

'Hello,' said the girl. 'I'm lost.'

'Are you?' said Thrasher. 'Hi, I'm Thrasher. This is my master - I mean boyfriend, Scapey.'

Scapegrace was too hipster to say hello so he just stood there looking bored.

'My name's Bella. I come from Forks,' said the girl. 'Can you tell me where I am?'

'You're in Ireland,' said Thrasher.

'Ireland?' said the girl, looking horror-struck. '73450989192930 kilometres from Edward?'

'Who's Edward?' asked Thrasher.

'He's my beautiful god-like vampire boyfriend, but I don't even like calling him my boyfriend because it just isn't a powerful enough word to convey our eternal love and devotion to each other. Oh, I miss him so mu-u-uch,' she wailed and burst into tears.

'Chill out,' said Scapegrace, alarmed.

'It's OK, Bella,' said Thrasher. 'I know how you feel. I'd feel like that if I was separated from Scapey.'

'Oh, Thrasher,' said Scapegrace, blushing. 'I mean - shut your mouth this instant.'

'Do you have any money, Bella?' Thrasher asked.

'No, why?'

'Well, you'll need money to pay for the plane ticket back to Forks.'

'Oh no! What am I going to do? You'll have to help me because I don't know how to do things for myself.'

'We know a guy who can teleport you to Forks,' said Thrasher. 'You'll be back with Edward in no time, don't worry.'

'Oh, thank you!'

'C'mon, Master,' said Thrasher. 'Let's go find Fletcher.'

'Don't you tell me what to do,' Scapegrace complained, but he went with them anyway and put on his headphones to blare hipster music into his ears.

They went to Gordon's because they weren't sure where Fletcher actually lived, but they figured he'd be there because he had no life outside Valkyrie. Valkyrie answered the door.

'Hi, guys,' she said, looking confused. 'What're you all doing here?'

'This is Bella,' said Thrasher. 'She's far from home. We told her that Fletcher could help her get back.'

'Oh,' said Valkyrie. 'Did you?'

'Yes,' said Thrasher. 'Well?'

'Well what?'

'Is Fletcher around?'

'Uh, not really.'

'Why not?'

'We broke up.'

'When?'

'Thirteen and a half minutes ago.'

Scapegrace bobbed his head to the music.

'Aww,' said Thrasher. 'I'm so sorry. Do you need a hug?'

'If you're offering.'

Thrasher hugged her and patted her on the back, causing his hand to come away from his wrist and fall on the ground. 'Oops.'

Valkyrie picked it up and stuck it back on for him with duct tape.

'Thanks, Val.'

'Sooo,' said Bella, 'does this mean I can't go home to Forks?'

'Fear not, Bella,' said Thrasher enthusiastically, 'where there's a will there's a way!'

Scapegrace snorted.

'You can call Fletcher if you like,' said Valkyrie. 'But I doubt he'll pick up.'

She handed Thrasher her phone and he speed-dialled Fletcher.

'Hello?'

'Vaaaaaaaal baby,' came the slightly slurred reply on the other end, 'you're so hot. I'm so angry with you right now, I think. But you're so hot. You're like an oven... Your voice is so sexy like drinkable kittens. I love you, Valkyrieee... pleeease take me back...' He began to sob. Valkyrie winced.

Thrasher looked at her. 'He's drunk. He can't teleport when he's drunk.'

Valkyrie shrugged. 'Well, at least you tried.'

'Val?' said Fletcher.

Thrasher hung up.

'What am I going to do?' Bella wailed. 'I can't be without Edward for longer than two hours, or I'll turn into a mindless zombie!'

'I think that process has already begun,' Valkyrie muttered.

They heard a noise outside. Scapegrace shrieked and jumped into Thrasher's arms. 'What was that?' he squeaked.

'Caelan,' said Valkyrie under her breath and went over to the window. They saw a pair of glowing eyes in the darkness.

Valkyrie opened the window. 'Caelan, what have I told you about stalking me around the place?'

'Edward used to do that,' sighed Bella, her eyes filling with tears.

Caelan came over to the window. 'I'm protecting you, Valkyrie, because I love you and you're so hot like an oven. Hey, who's your friend?'

'Hi, I'm Thrasher.'

'No, not you. The girl.'

'Hi, I'm Vaurien Scapegrace.'

Caelan sighed. 'I'm talking about _her.'_ He pointed to Bella.

'I'm Bella Swan, y'all.'

'Wow. You're even more beautiful than Valkyrie. I think I have found myself a new sweet agony! Don't miss me too much, Val.'

'That shouldn't be a problem.'

Bella giggled. 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend,' she told Caelan.

'So did Valkyrie.'

They all looked at Valkyrie, who blushed.

'Well, okay then,' said Bella happily. 'Can you sparkle?'

'No, but my cheekbones are amazing.'

'Yeah, they really are,' Bella mused. 'Plus you have a hot Irish accent. Forget about Forks, I'm staying here!'

'Here?' said Valkyrie worriedly. 'Like, _here_ here?'

'She can stay at my place,' said Caelan.

'Good,' said Valkyrie. 'Okay, out with you.' She shooed them both out the door, closed it and then looked at Thrasher and Scapegrace. 'What do you want to do now?'

'Hipster dance party,' said Scapegrace.

'Romantic poetry recital,' said Thrasher.

'Actually, never mind,' said Valkyrie. 'You two can leave as well.'

They shrugged and left.

'Well, I think we had a very productive day,' said Thrasher as they walked home. 'We helped two people fall in love. And it made me think. I want our love to be like that, Veevee. I want it to last forever.' He took his Master's hand. 'What do you think?'

But Scapegrace wasn't listening. He had his headphones on.

* * *

**A/N: Yay for hipster Scapegrace XDDD**

**Yeah, okay, that was crap, but I just felt like an update, so yeah.**

**Review? :)**


	31. Internet Love

**A/N: Do you know who people tend to forget about because he's not very important?  
PRAVE.  
So this is Pravegrace, because I can.  
I'm sorry it took me so disgustingly long to update, and I'm sorry this is so disgustingly short. Basically the idea is that they met on the internet somewhere and they've never met in real life but now they're talking to each other on MSN. :DD  
**

* * *

killersupreme57: hey

xXcravethepraveXx: heyy

killersupreme57: how r u babez?

xXcravethepraveXx: Not too bad, u?

killersupreme57: i'm sad

xXcravethepraveXx: i know the feeling

killersupreme57: :( :( :(

xXcravethepraveXx: Bad day at the office, cupcake?

killersupreme57: I just feel like nobody gets me :(

xXcravethepraveXx: OMG me too

killersupreme57: I could be so evil and badass given the proper opportunity

xXcravethepraveXx: So could i, but i'm just the dude who makes the tea

killersupreme57: we have so much in common :D

xXcravethepraveXx: IKR

killersupreme57: do pplz laugh at you too?

xXcravethepraveXx: yes

killersupreme57: and insult you?

xXcravethepraveXx: yes

killersupreme57: idk what it is about you, but i feel like we have this... connection

xXcravethepravexX: Me 2 ;)

killersupreme57: wanna meet up for coffee? :3

xXcravethepraveXx: I really like talking to you, but my daddy always said it was dangerous to meet up with strangers from the internet, especially ones with the word 'killer' in their username. :(

killersupreme57: it's ok, if i try to kill you you'll probs be able to stop me. in fact you might even kill me yourself :)

xXcravethepraveXx: really?

killersupreme57: i believe in you bby :)

xXcravethepraveXx: i believe in you too :)

killersupreme57: Yay! :D So what about that coffee?

xXcravethepraveXx: sunday, bewley's, 3pm. i won't kill you if you don't kill me ;)

killersupreme57: Deal, but don't tell Thrasher

xXcravethepraveXx: Why not?

killersupreme57: Wouldn't want him getting jealous

xXcravethepraveXx: You really think I'm worth getting jealous of? :')

killersupreme57: Well this is Thrasher we're talking about here

xXcravethepraveXx: Oh yeah

killersupreme57: See ya Sunday babez :)

xXcravethepraveXx: Can't wait. :D

killersupreme57: I think this could be the start of something really beautiful. xx

* * *

**A/N: Mehh.  
Don't ask me what I was thinking with Prave's username :L**


	32. A Very Caelan Musical: Part One

**A/N: Song is based on **_**Guys Like Potter**_** from A Very Potter Sequel. xDD**

* * *

Caelan was being creepy again.

Valkyrie was in her kitchen with Fletcher, and Caelan was watching them through the window from behind his emo fringe.

_There are so many douchebags in the world_

What the hell did she see in him? Why go for someone like that when she could have a brooding, self-loathing, romantic figure like Caelan, who was sensitive and in touch with his emotions?

Caelan let a single tear fall from his eye, causing his eyeliner to smudge. This made him cry more. It was a vicious circle, it really was.

_Yes, so many douchebags get the girls_

_Who deserve more than absolutely anything_

_That any amount of teleportation could ever bring_

_But men like that, they have her on a string_

_And they don't care_

He watched them kissing through blurry, tear-filled eyes.

So what if Fletcher could spirit her away to anywhere in the world in the blink of an eye? So what if they'd made out in Paris by the Eiffel Tower? Caelan could offer her far, far more than that. Caelan could offer her his bleeding, damaged heart, possibly accompanied by some dead roses. Caelan could offer her the thrill of snogging a hundred-year-old dead person. Who wouldn't want that? He didn't understand.

_For there will always be guys like Fletcher_

_He makes me cry because I know he's gonna get her_

Caelan let out a long, tortured sigh. He didn't actually breathe, but he sometimes pretended to, for dramatic effect.

He didn't deserve Valkyrie, he thought sadly. Valkyrie deserved someone young and alive.

But to hell with that.

His and Valkyrie's love was written in the stars - he just needed to get rid of his one obstacle.

Fletcher Renn.

Caelan spent a few uncharacteristically happy moments fantasizing about how best to kill him. It would be nice to rip his throat out and drink his blood, but then Valkyrie would know he'd done it. Maybe he should try something sneakier, like poison. Or maybe he could shave Fletcher's hair off, causing him to commit suicide.

But no. Why would Valkyrie care if Caelan murdered her boyfriend? She wouldn't. She'd probably be happy he was dead. Then she and Caelan could be together forever and ever.

Caelan actually smiled for the first time in seventy-seven years.

_Even though I've loved her since the moment that I met her_

_But I would never have won, 'cos I'm self-loathing and glum_

_And I'm old and he's young_

Sure, there was a massive age difference, and Valkyrie didn't like the whole emo thing very much. But that didn't matter, or at least it shouldn't matter. Love transcended the meaningless. Everything would be fine.

_So many assholes in this place_

_So many assholes in my face_

As long as Fletcher was out of the way.

That stupid, immature, cocky brat who had actually had the nerve to accuse Caelan of wearing mascara.

'It's eyeliner, bitch, _eyeliner_,' Caelan muttered under his breath, glaring at Fletcher's spiky-haired silhouette in the kitchen window. 'Do you know nothing about anything?'

_Why can't they leave me alone?_

_To write my angsty poetry_

_Put on eyeliner, and watch reruns of Glee_

Soon, Caelan would no longer be alone. Valkyrie would be the shining light in his darkness. Maybe he would call her Torch, as an affectionate nickname.

_I'd treat Valkyrie nice, and only sometimes be mean_

_Because I care..._

Naturally, if Valkyrie disobeyed him or started to have independent thoughts, he would have to hit her or something. But it would all be in the name of love, so it would be okay.

_But there will always be guys like Fletcher_

_If I had my way, he'd be in an ambulance on a stretcher_

_I don't know why everyone thinks he's so much better..._

What was it about Fletcher Renn, Caelan wondered for the twelfth time that evening. Was it the fact that he was a Teleporter? Was it the cockney accent? Was it the fact that he wasn't dead? Why did everyone seem to think he was better for Valkyrie than Caelan was?

Caelan sniffed. He hated the human race.

_But now I'm alone,_

_Left to pout and moan,_

_Cos I was totally pwned._

Time to go, Caelan thought, taking one last look at his beloved dark angel. We should have been together, Valkyrie, he thought quietly. We should have been together ages ago. Oh, why do you continue to break my heart in this way? Why? Whyyyyyy?

And then - Oh, shit, it's five to twelve. I'm going to miss the Midnight Hotel.

His heart breaking quietly, Caelan ran.

* * *

**Um, I just realised - is Caelan even capable of tears? Can dead people cry? Would the salt water not kill him?**

**Whatever. I should do more research. **


	33. Donkey Related Drama

It was a Monday morning in the Sanctuary, and the atmosphere was tense.

"I am offended," China Sorrows declared haughtily. "How dare you bring me in for questioning about an actual _crime_? As if I would be _involved_? Don't you know that I am as pure and innocent and guilt-free as a lamb in a meadow in springtime?"

"China, you know perfectly well what this is about," said Skulduggery severely.

"Of course she does," Valkyrie chimed in, giving China her best Interrogation Face.

"No, I don't!" China protested. "I haven't done anything wrong - for at least a week."

"That is not true, China. You have committed a crime very recently - as recently as yesterday. What do you say to that, then?"

"I'll tell you exactly what I did yesterday, Skulduggery. I woke up, had a shower, ate some muesli and yoghurt. Went to work in the library. Went to Centra and bought some frozen peas."

"Did somebody say frozen peas?"

"GO AWAY, FLETCHER!"

Fletcher teleported away with a quiet sob.

"Then I went back to the library and worked there until eleven p.m., when I went to bed. And that's all I did. Honestly."

"You have no life," Valkyrie muttered. China glared at her.

"Is this true?" Skulduggery demanded, ignoring Valkyrie's comment.

"Yes," China snapped.

"Then _who made that mud stain on my carpet?"_

Before China could reply Fletcher came back, grabbed a pile of books and slammed them down onto the desk. Everyone looked at him, startled.

"I have an announcement to make," Fletcher announced in an unnecessarily loud voice.

"YOU'RE MARRYING GUILD!" Valkyrie shrieked, leaping to her feet. Everyone looked at her.

"Um... not really," said Fletcher slowly.

"Thank you, Valkyrie, now I'm scarred," muttered China.

"I'm quitting," said Fletcher.

"You're what?"

"I'm leaving," said Fletcher. He looked at them all as if he was was expecting them to fall to their knees and beg him to reconsider. When nobody did, he went on in a slightly deflated voice, "Well, I'm sick of everyone thinking they can treat me like a donkey or something. Use me for transport and then just abandon me." He let a tear fall.

"So, what," said Valkyrie uncomprehendingly, "you want us to call the RSPCA?"

"You're going to accuse us of animal cruelty?" said Skulduggery, tilting his head.

"No," said Fletcher quietly. "I'm just going to leave. When you all screamed at me to go away just there... that was the last straw that broke the donkey's back. I can't stay here with people who abuse me so. I'm just gonna go solo from now on. You know... teleport from place to place, beg people to love me, probably end up depressed and on drugs. And Valkyrie, I just want you to know that I still love you, even though you're mean to me a lot. Goodbye." He gave Valkyrie one last, lingering look and teleported away.

Valkyrie stared at the empty space where he'd been standing. Skulduggery cleared his throat.

'Well, this is awkward,' he muttered. China tried to surreptitiously sneak away but Skulduggery stopped her with a glare.

'Not so fast, muesli woman.'

'Muesli woman?' said China. 'Seriously?'

'Well, you eat muesli and you're a woman - '

'At least, that's what she tells us,' Valkyrie chipped in. China threw a lamp at her.

' - Therefore, muesli woman. It is accurate.'

Valkyrie rubbed her cheek where the lamp had hit her. 'The day I first met Fletcher,' she said quietly, 'I got hit by a lamp.'

'That's very interesting,' said China. 'Can I go now?'

'In a minute,' said Skulduggery. 'I believe you're guilty.'

'Fine,' said China. 'Fine. I got mud on your carpet. I have no idea how it happened, since my feet simply do not get muddy, but yes, it was me.'

'I knew it,' said Skulduggery. 'Ten points from Gryffindor.'

'I'm a Ravenclaw.'

'WHATEVER,' said Valkyrie. 'What are we going to do about Fletcher?'

'Don't tell me you miss him _already,'_ China groaned. 'He's literally only been gone four minutes.'

'We treated him like crap,' said Valkyrie sadly. 'We should all be ashamed of ourselves.'

'Is that what he was trying to say?' enquired Skulduggery. 'I didn't really understand what he was on about with all that donkey stuff.'

'The donkey, numbskull,' explained China, 'was a metaphor for himself.'

'Fletcher's a donkey?' said Skulduggery. 'You know, that would explain so much.'

'Listen,' said Valkyrie, 'are we going to get him back or not?'

'Of course we are,' said Skulduggery. 'He's our little vegetable. We need him.'

China left.

'Damn,' said Skulduggery. 'I never got to punish her for making that stain. Oh well.'

'Focus, Skulduggery,' said Valkyrie. 'Fletcher. How are we going to get him back?'

'I suggest we ask Thrasher.'

'Thrasher?'

'He's good at this sort of thing,' Skulduggery shrugged. Valkyrie didn't argue.

* * *

Two hours later, they were sitting in Thrasher's nice, fluffy living room, listening to the faint sound of Neutral Milk Hotel's _Aeroplane Over the Sea _album coming from Scapegrace's room upstairs.

'Thrasher, we've come seeking your sage advice,' said Skulduggery dramatically. 'Our pet Teleporter has run away.'

'Oh no,' said Thrasher. 'That's quite the problem.'

'You're the only one who can help us now, Thrasher,' said Valkyrie sombrely and Thrasher looked pleased.

'Sooo,' he said, crossing his legs, 'why do you think he left?'

'Because we were being cruel to donkeys or something,' said Skulduggery.

'And now he's vanished out of our lives forever,' Valkyrie sniffed.

Thrasher looked at her. 'Does this make you upset?'

'Yes!' she snapped. 'Yes it does!'

Thrasher nodded. 'Why?'

'What do you mean, why?'

'Why does it make you upset?' Thrasher persisted.

Valkyrie blinked. 'Um, I don't know. He's just convenient. He saves me a lot of money on bus fares and stuff.'

'That remark,' commented Thrasher, 'says a lot of negative things about your personality.'

'Oh, shut up, Thrasher,' said Skulduggery. 'Valkyrie is Valkyrie and you are merely Thrasher and as such, you must not question her.'

'OK. Sorry,' said Thrasher meekly. He looked at Valkyrie. 'I hear Fletcher's in love with you.'

'How would you know that?'

Skulduggery sighed. 'My dear Valkyrie, the entire planet knows.'

'Well,' said Thrasher, 'if Fletcher really is in love with Val, then we can use his emotions against him!'

'Ooh,' said Skulduggery. 'How does that work?'

'She must seduce him,' said Thrasher.

'Oh my slash fic,' said Valkyrie. 'I really don't know about this.'

'I'm not usually this mean,' Thrasher went on, 'but honestly, I think it's your best shot. Do you want him back or not?'

'Valkyrie, we need our pack mule back,' said Skulduggery. 'You must follow Thrasher's wise advice and mess with Fletcher's heart like the evil temptress you are. Understand?'

'Fine,' said Valkyrie reluctantly.

Thrasher clapped his hands. 'Excellent. I'm so glad I could help. Now go away, Veevee and I have... some things to do. Actually, do you think we could borrow your handcuffs?'

Skulduggery tilted his head. 'What for?'

'We're just, uh, trying something.'

'Sure!' said Skulduggery, handing Thrasher his handcuffs.

'Thanks,' said Thrasher. 'This should be fun.'

'Skulduggery,' said Valkyrie.

'Yes?' said Skulduggery.

'...Nothing,' said Valkyrie.

'OK, bye guys,' said Thrasher and kicked them out.

* * *

Later that evening, Valkyrie knocked on the door of Bespoke Tailor's wearing the sluttiest dress she owned and feeling like an idiot. Ghastly answered.

'Is Fletcher here?' Valkyrie asked.

'Uh, yes,' said Ghastly. He looked suspiciously at what she was wearing. 'I let him stay the night in the spare bedroom. Why?'

Valkyrie blushed. 'I need to talk to him.'

'Use protection,' said Ghastly cheerily and walked away, leaving Valkyrie cringing.

She found the spare room and went in without bothering to knock. Fletcher was sitting on the bed. He stared at her.

'Hey,' she said in the most seductive voice she could manage, flashing him a coy smile.

'What are you doing?' he asked, tearing his eyes away from her legs.

'I just came to tell you,' said Valkyrie, sitting down as close to him as possible, 'that I'm sorry for all that donkey stuff and so is Skulduggery and we want you to come back.'

'Why are you dressed like a hooker?'

'Because I know you love it. Look,' she added, batting her eyelashes, 'my knees are visible.'

'I see that,' said Fletcher slowly.

There was an uncomfortable pause in which Valkyrie realised that she was terrible at seduction, but she had to try her best, so she sat on his lap. He pushed her off. She sighed.

'Valkyrie, why are you being all slutty and stuff all of a sudden? You're supposed to hate me, remember? What happened to 'toothpaste head'?' he demanded, tears quietly gathering in his eyes at the memories of all the times he'd been mistreated.

'I miss you,' Valkyrie said, pouting. 'Thrasher said I should seduce you to get you to come back to us, but it doesn't seem to be working.'

'I'm sorry, Supreme Valkyrieness,' said Fletcher, sticking his nose in the air, 'but I have dignity and self-respect now. I'm never going back to you lot, ever. I am going to follow my dreams and become a male model.'

Valkyrie put her arms around his neck and smiled. 'You'd be good at that,' she whispered huskily and leaned in to kiss him, but he jerked his head out of the way.

'Have you been listening to _anything_ I've been saying?' he demanded.

'Yeah, but I thought I'd give the seduction thing another shot. It's definitely not working?'

'No.'

'You definitely don't want to come back?'

'No.'

'Well, then it's lucky I have a back-up plan.' Valkyrie opened her handbag and pulled out a tattered old hat. 'Remember this?'

Fletcher gasped. 'Uncle Jane!'

He looked daggers at Valkyrie. 'You wouldn't.'

'Oh, I would,' said Valkyrie. She snapped her fingers and summoned a flame, holding it dangerously close to the hat. 'Join us again, or the hat gets it.'

'Fine!' Fletcher wailed. 'Just give me back my beloved pet hat!'

Valkyrie tossed it to him. 'We're going on a stakeout tomorrow on O'Connell Street. Eight a.m.'

Fletcher sighed. 'I'll be there.'

Valkyrie smiled. 'Good donkey.'


	34. A Very Caelan Musical: Part Two

**Yes. VS:MC is now VC:DB. You know, to make it more modern and with the times. xD  
About this chapter - you know 'Guys Like Fletcher'? I think it's chapter 36 or something. Anyway, this is, like, a sequel to that.  
And when you put them together, they make A Very Caelan Musical.  
Yep.  
:DDDDD  
The song in this chapter is based on 'Gotta Get Back To Hogwarts' from A Very Potter Musical :DD  
**

* * *

'Thanks for letting me stay here, Anton.'  
'No problem, Valkyrie,' Shudder replied. 'I hope you had a good night's sleep?'  
'Actually, not really. There was all this music coming from the room above mine... hey, there it is again!'  
The two listened to the faint sound of a guitar coming from the top floor. After a few moments, someone started to sing.

_'Inside this wretched cage  
My dead heart bleeds and seethes with rage  
because I can never have the only thing I want...'_

'Oh my God,' said Valkyrie. 'Is that - ?'  
'Yes,' said Shudder. 'Yes, I think it is.'

_'Can't believe how cruel life is  
There's always something that's amiss  
It's like my role is to be someone they can taunt...'_

'Caelan,' Valkyrie whispered in horror. 'Caelan is singing. Surely that's illegal?'

_'Everyone just wants to hurt me  
Break me, scar me or pervert me  
Here in Ire-e-eland._

_Valkyrie won't let me snuggle  
Oh, it's so much of a struggle  
Not to be alive...'_

As Valkyrie concentrated on not dying of embarrassment, the music picked up tempo.

_'I'm sick of being laughed at and just skulking around  
I hate my life, myself and this entire damn town  
I'm just a brooding mystery, there's nothing here for me now_

_I gotta get back to Fo-orks  
Where the Cullen family rules  
I gotta get myself to Fo-orks,  
where everybody knows I'm cool..._

_Back to vampires and socially unacceptable creeps,  
to Bella and Edward and my sparkly peeps  
Its all that I love, and it's all that I need  
At Fo-orks, Fo-orks, I think I'm going back-'_

Valkyrie stopped dying of embarrassment and began shaking with laughter instead.  
'Do you have a video camera?' she whispered to Anton. 'This _needs_to be recorded.'

_'I'll see all my friends, we'll be emo and cry  
I'll bro out with Carlisle, he's my favourite guy  
Inside I won't have to quietly die, and it's gonna be  
totally awesome_

_I'll get away from the Skul crew, it'll be so much fun  
Defeat the Volturi, yeah bring it on!  
Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn,  
Oh it's gonna be totally awesome...'_

Shudder took out his phone. 'Got it.'

_'It's been so long, but I'm going back  
In Forks I won't get any undeserved flak  
Except maybe from that douche Jacob Black  
But who cares, I'll be there, I'll be on the right track  
.. and its gonna be totally awesome!_

_From here on in, my heart will never be torn  
I'll have a lifetime supply of vampire porn...'_

'Oh, Caelan.'

_'My cheekbones are hot, no-one cares if I'm smart  
So much blood to drink - I dunno where to start,  
I'm not depressed about my still, lifeless heart  
because my whole world just got totally awesome_

_this year I plan to stalk girls a lot...  
and that's ok because i'm so mega hot  
Bella and Edward are the only friends I've got  
yeah, and that's cool and that's totally awesome_

_yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!'_

Skulduggery came around the corner and started to speak, but Valkyrie and Anton immediately shushed him.

_'I'm sick of Ireland and just skulking around  
when no-one loves me and there's litter on the ground  
don't take no sorcery  
for anyone to see how..._

I gotta get back to Fo-orks  
Where the Cullen family rules  
I gotta get back to Fo-orks  
Chill in Esme's paddling pooooooool

Back to vampires and socially unacceptable creeps  
to Bella and Edward, all my sparkly peeps,  
it's all that I love, and it's all that I need at  
Fo-orks, Fo-orks

- I think I'm going back...'

The music stopped, and Shudder stopped recording.

Skulduggery's facade frowned. 'Was that Caelan?'

Nobody answered him.

* * *

**...Anyone want a Part Three? No?  
Fair enough xD**


	35. A Very Caelan Musical: Part Three

**I had so much fun writing this.  
The song in this chapter is based on _Harry_ from AVPM xD  
**

* * *

One dark, cold and lonely day in Dublin, Caelan the vampire entered his dark, cold and lonely domain, turned on his laptop and checked his emails.

Sadly, caelanlovesbutterflies had no new messages. He never did.

Every day he checked to see if he'd gotten that one special message from Valkyrie, the one expressing her true feelings in a gushy, emotional waterfall of angst. He'd have preferred to get it in a letter because then it might even have tearstains on it, but this was the age of computers. There was no such thing as letters anymore - how he missed the 1900s.

An email would do, though, as long as it had lots of long words in it. What a pity he never got one.

Caelan felt the Monster Within whining in pain at the emptiness of his inbox. Every rejection from Valkyrie seemed to physically injure it. 'It's okay, baby,' he whispered to it as he deleted six spam emails from six different Nigerian princes.

Suddenly he noticed a flashing banner ad at the top of the screen. 'HOW TO MAKE A GIRL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU - NEVER HAS BEEN KNOWN TO FAILL' (sic).  
'Look, Monster Within!' Caelan whispered in awe. 'Our prayers have been answered!'

He hurried to apply some emergency eyeliner - it seemed necessary - then ran back to his computer and clicked the ad. It led him to a page with tiny writing on it. He zoomed in impatiently. It read 'If you are a guy and you want a girl to be attracted to you, just follow these easy steps. First get an orange and prick it all over with a pin. Then sleep with the orange in your armpit. In the morning, give it to the girl. If she eats it she will fall totally in love with you. You heard it here first.'  
Caelan tried to smile, then gave up because it hurt his mouth. 'There is a God,' he whispered, and the Monster Within purred.

'Are you SURE you don't have any oranges?'  
'Positive,' said the Lidl checkout man. 'It isn't orange season. Now go away, there are people behind you who want to buy stuff.'  
'But oranges are always in season,' said Caelan. 'Hey - got any grapes?'  
'No,' said the checkout man icily. 'You'll just have to waddle away - waddle waddle. Til the very next day.'  
'Hey, you like the Duck Song, too!' cried Caelan excitedly. 'Wanna be friends?'  
'No,' said the checkout man. 'You're wearing mascara.'  
'IT'S EYELINER, BITCH. EYELINER,' Caelan screamed, and used his lethal vampire fingernails to slash the conveyor belt.  
'SECURITY!' the checkout guy roared.

After narrowly avoiding a prison sentence, Caelan had a quick conversation with The Monster Within.  
'I think it's time for Plan B,' he whispered and the Monster Within purred in agreement.  
'Valkyrie will never know what hit her.'

It was late afternoon in Caelan's favourite spot for a bit of light stalking - St. Anne's Park. Valkyrie was sitting on a bench with Pineapple Head, while Caelan was watching them, concealed behind a bush. He was using binoculars, even though the bench was just a few feet away.  
Pineapple Head was painting Valkyrie's nails.  
'You better not smudge these,' he said severely.  
'I won't,' said Valkyrie, blowing on them. 'I'm so lucky to have you, Fletchichetchie, you're like my boyfriend and my gay best friend all in one.'  
_Pfft,_ thought Caelan. _If she had _me_, I could do her eyeliner.  
_ Pineapple Head laughed. 'I'd better go, Irish Celebrity Meltdowns is on TV3 in ten minutes. Wanna come with me?'  
Valkyrie made a face. 'No thanks. I'm not particularly interested in Irish celebrities having meltdowns.'  
_NEITHER AM I! _Caelan inwardly screamed. _YOU'RE DEEP LIKE ME! WE'RE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER! WE CAN READ BOOKS ABOUT THE PHILOSOPHY OF HEARTBREAK TO EACH OTHER BY CANDLELIGHT!  
_ 'Okay then,' said Pineapple Head. 'See you later.' He leaned in to kiss her, and Caelan threw up a little bit in his mouth.  
'Bye, Fletchichetchi.'  
'I'll miss you, Baked Valaska.'  
'I'll miss you more.'  
'No, I'll miss you more.'  
'No, I'll miss you even more than that.'  
'But I'll miss you the most.'  
'No, I'll miss _you_ the most.'  
'Maybe you should just come with me.'  
'...Nah.'  
Pineapple Head pouted and vanished.  
_Right, _thought Caelan. _Time to make my move.  
_ He grabbed the guitar that had suddenly appeared, and strode up to the bench where Valkyrie sat. 'Hay, gurl,' he said.  
Valkyrie stared. 'What?'  
'Sorry, that came out wrong. I meant to say - greetings, my beloved Valkyrie.'  
He'd already screwed up, and he hadn't even started singing yet.  
Valkyrie sighed. 'Caelan, what do you want? Please tell me that's not a guitar and you're not about to serenade me with it.'  
'You'll love it, my precious,' Caelan insisted, sitting down insistently beside her. 'I bet _Fletchichetchi _can't sing. Or play the guitar. Or do _both at the same time.'  
_ Valkyrie frowned. 'How do you know I call him Fletchichetchi in private? No-one knows that. It's my second most closely guarded secret. Have you been spying on me?'  
'No,' Caelan lied unconvincingly.  
'Caelan - '  
'YOU MAKE MY HEART WANT TO BEAT. Now shut your sweet mouth, my darling, and let me sing to you. Or else I'll hurt you. For your own good, of course.'  
Valkyrie looked a little worried, but she stayed quiet. Caelan strummed his guitar, and started to sing.

_'The way your hair falls in your eyes  
Makes me wonder if you'll  
Ever see through my disguise  
Flesh that hides my inner hell  
_

_When the full moon is calling  
And I no longer understand  
What is right and what is wrong  
I'm still under your command_

_Va-aalkyrie  
Va-aalkyrie  
Whyyyyy can't you see  
You're like a flashlight to me  
_

_I've seen you conquer certain death  
Torch, you take away my non-existant breath  
And that's why  
I've made you hear my song, please understand that all along  
This is what I've been trying to saaaay...  
_

_Va-aalkyrie  
Va-aalkyrie  
Whyyyyyy can't you see  
You're like a flashlight to me.'_

He stopped playing. Valkyrie had gone a little green.  
'Did you like it?' he asked hopefully.  
'Caelan, no offence, but I don't want to be your flashlight.'  
'But you're my light in the darkness! You led me home!'  
'I didn't lead you anywhere.'  
'Well, okay, not yet, but you will.'  
Valkyrie took out her phone, speed-dialled a number.  
'Fletcher, can you pick me up? I think I might feel like watching Irish Celebrity Meltdowns after all.'

'Plan B didn't work,' Caelan said sadly to the Monster Within. It whimpered.  
Suddenly Caelan realised they were across the road from Tesco.  
'Hey, maybe they'll have some oranges!'

Two days later, Caelan went to Valkyrie's back garden and stayed there all day until she came out to water the flowers. She backed away when she saw him.  
'It's OK,' Caelan reassured her with an innocent smile. 'I just came to offer you this orange...'

* * *

**Some insight into my personal Fletchyrie headcanon for you there. xD**

People actually used to do that orange thing back in the olden day times, can you believe that?  


**Thanks for all your lahvely reviews! :)  
**


	36. A Very Caelan Musical: Part Four

Valkyrie Cain raised an eyebrow.

'You sneaked into my garden and hid in a bush all afternoon so you could offer me an orange?'

Caelan nodded eagerly.

'Caelan... that's not... that isn't right. That's not normal. That's not what normal people do.'

'With all due respect and adoration, Supreme Valkyrieness, you're not a normal person.'

'I'm relatively normal.'

'No, you're not.'

'Yes I am. Shut up.'

'Please, just eat the orange. It's a token of my everlasting love for you.'

'It's an orange. Listen, if you're going to stalk me, at least give me decent presents.'

The Monster Within snarled, and Caelan scowled. 'I bet _Fletchichetchi _never gives you presents this healthy... this rich in Vitamin C...'

'Don't say that!' Valkyrie hissed, looking around worriedly to see if anyone had heard.

'Don't say what?'

'The F word!'

'What F word? You mean fu - '

'No!' Valkyrie whispered. '_Fletchichetchi.'_

'Why don't you want anyone to know about that?' Caelan suddenly perked up. 'Are you _ashamed_ of him?'

'I'm not ashamed of him. It's just private, okay?'

'Why is it private?'

'It just is!'

'If you weren't ashamed of him, it wouldn't be private,' Caelan concluded triumphantly.

'I'm not ashamed of him! It's just an embarrassing nickname!'

'Right. Like Baked Valaska.'

'It's better than Torch.'

Caelan bristled. 'At least Torch actually has a symbolic meaning. You know, because you're the light in my darkness. Baked Valaska is just stupid.'

'It's not stupid, it's a clever play on words!'

'It's stupid. His hair is stupid.'

'His hair is not stupid. Well, okay, it is, but that's beside the point. Last Valentine's Day, he got me a bag of completely green Skittles because he knows the green ones are my favourite. It was the sweetest present anyone's ever given me.'

'Then you clearly have not been given many sweet presents.'

'You can't talk,' Valkyrie said, frustrated. 'You're giving me an orange.'

'They're better for you than Skittles.'

'Fletcher bought fourteen packets of Skittles and then spent eight hours picking all the green ones out of each packet and putting them all together to give to me for Valentine's Day, while you went to the supermarket and bought me an orange. What is so great about that? Why are you acting like you're so great? You're like, oh my God, I'm so romantic and sensitive, I got Valkyrie an orange! Like, get over yourself! It's an orange! And what if I don't even like oranges? I don't even like oranges! Why are so obsessed with me? Just leave me alone! Just go back into the shadows with your orange!'

'Please, calm yourself, my little marshmallow. You're getting unattractively red in the face. Also, how on earth did it take him eight hours just to pick out all the green Skittles from each packet? Is he colour-blind or something?'

'Stop insulting him. And stop waving that orange in my face. It smells funny, by the way. Of course it smells funny. You couldn't just get me a _normal_ orange, oh no. Mr. Romantic and Sensitive had to get me a _smelly_ orange.'

If Caelan had been capable of blushing, he would have. 'I bought it in a funny-smelling shop. Anyway, what did Pineapple Head do with all the other Skittles? The ones that weren't green?'

Valkyrie frowned, as if the thought hadn't occurred to her. 'He ate them, I guess. Why are we even talking about this? It's not important! Why do you care? Why do you care about the other Skittles? Are you going to set up some charity now, are you? Caelan's Society to Stop Skittle Discrimination? Oh my God, you make me so angry!'

'It's not the discrimination against the non-green Skittles that bothers me, it's the fact that he ate fourteen packets of Skittles presumably in one go. That's disgusting. Your boyfriend is disgusting. I bet it made him really hyper. I wouldn't like to see Pineapple Head after eating fourteen packets of Skittles.'

'_Minus all the green ones_.'

'I thought he'd put on weight.'

'Skittles don't make you fat. My boyfriend is not fat!'

'I never said he was,' said Caelan innocently. 'Will you please eat this orange?'

'Oh, go away, Caelan. I'm not in the mood. Anyway, like I said, it smells weird. Have you drugged it or something?'

'If I wanted to drug you, I'd spike your drink. It's not really possible to spike an orange.'

'Like you haven't tried.'

'I didn't try it at all! I don't want to drug you! I'd never hurt you, my sweet cherry-blossom of fragrant cuteness! But I'm not leaving until you take this orange.'

'Oh, God. _Fine_.'

Caelan beamed as he handed it over. His smile was such a strange and unsettling sight that Valkyrie ran back into her house and slammed the door.

'Farewell, dear Valkyrie,' Caelan murmured. 'The next time we meet, your judgement will be clouded by the sweet fruits of love. I shall be counting the minutes.'

He crept away.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie was up in her bedroom, staring suspiciously at her new orange. The skin was covered in little punctures, like someone had pricked it all over with a pin, and it definitely did smell strange. Like... sweat.

Ew.

'What is wrong with that guy?' she wondered aloud.

'What guy?'

Valkyrie jumped. 'Fletcher, what did I tell you about teleporting into my room suddenly and without permission?' she demanded.

'Sorry,' said Fletcher. 'I missed my Baked Valaska.'

She smiled. 'Aww. I missed you too, Fletchichetchi.'

'It seems like ages since the last time we saw each other.'

'I think it was two hours ago.'

'God, two whole hours? How did I survive?'

She giggled and flicked her hair like one of those popular blonde girls in movies, and he sat down beside her.

'What guy?' he asked again.

'Hmm?'

'When I came in, you were talking about some guy, saying there was something wrong with him... I was kinda worried you were talking about me.'

'Oh, yeah.' She picked up the orange from her desk. 'No, I was talking about Caelan. He gave me this orange.'

'Why?'

'I don't know. He hid in my garden and forced me to take it. He's so weird.'

'It looks yummy.'

'I doubt it's safe to - oh. Too late.'

Fletcher had already bitten into the orange.

'You peeled that pretty fast,' Valkyrie commented absentmindedly, but Fletcher didn't seem to be listening. His eyes had glazed over.

'Where's Caelan?' he asked in an unusually high-pitched, breathy voice.

'Um... I don't know,' said Valkyrie slowly. 'Probably back in his cage or something. Why?'

'I have to find him,' Fletcher declared, standing up.

'What?' said Valkyrie. 'Why?'

'I've just realized... he's so beautiful, Valkyrie...'

Valkyrie frowned. 'What are you on about?'

'I'm on about Caelan! I think I love him!'

'What? No! You love me!'

'Not anymore. Sorry, Baked Valaska, but Caelan is the one for me.'

'Fletcher, is this a joke?'

'I'd never joke about something so...' Fletcher took a deep breath. 'So intense... it's like there's a fire of passion burning inside me...'

'Fletchichetchi, you're scaring me...'

'I have to go, Val. I have to go find the love of my life.'

'Fletcher, wait - '

But he'd already disappeared.

Suddenly very tired, Valkyrie sank back onto her bed. If Fletcher didn't come back within three hours, she decided, she would go and find him. But in the meantime, she was having a nap.

Caelan was talking to his pet bats when the door to his lair flew open.

'Ah, my beloved,' he smirked without turning around. 'You have arrived.'

'I couldn't stay away,' said a husky voice from the doorway, and Caelan frowned.

This was not Valkyrie's voice. For one thing, it had a London accent. For another, it was male.

He turned around. Fletcher Renn was standing in the doorway.

'Oh Lord,' Caelan groaned.

'Hey, sexy,' said the Teleporter.

'Did you eat the orange?' Caelan asked.

'Yes and it was delicious,' said Fletcher, advancing on him. 'But you know what's more delicious?' He teleported right in front of Caelan, pinning him against the wall. 'You.'

'Please don't kiss me,' said Caelan.

Fletcher kissed him.

In a blind panic, Caelan reached into his pocket for his phone and speed-dialled a number. On loudspeaker, a voice was heard answering.

'Hello? Caelan?'

'Steve,' gasped Caelan, forcing his face away from Fletcher's. Fletcher started trying to pull off Caelan's shirt.

'What's wrong?'

'I need your help. Bring some of your... your product.'

'I'll be expecting payment.'

'I'll give it to you later, just come quick, it's an emergency.'

'Be right there,' said Steve and hung up.

Steve Smith, CEO of Steve's Laxatives, husband of Mikki Adrienne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine Smith, father of R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E and ex-penguin, was a very rich and successful businessman. As mentioned above, he was the CEO of Steve's Laxatives, a very successful company which made laxatives for all occasions. It wasn't often he made a personal delivery - he spent most of his time in a suit, talking on the phone and eating croissants - but Caelan was somehow a friend of his, and Steve had decided to do him a favour. In return for money.

After receiving Caelan's call, he hopped into his helicopter and headed for Caelan's lair. He landed noisily on the roof, took a box of laxatives he'd had in the cockpit and slid down the drainpipe like a boss, before climbing in the ground floor window.

Inside, Fletcher was attempting to divest Caelan of his clothes and Caelan was desperately trying to fight him off. Caelan's precious Evanescence T-shirt was ripped.

'Have you got them?' Caelan screamed at Steve.

'Yeah, they're right here,' Steve shouted back, waving the box of laxatives in the air. Caelan turned to Fletcher.

'Fletcher, honey - '

'What is it, love of my life?'

'You'd do anything for me, right?'

'Anything,' Fletcher sighed.

'If I gave you a pill, would you take it?'

'I'd take a thousand pills for you, Caely baby.'

_Caely baby? _Caelan inwardly groaned. _That's even worse than Fletchichetchi. Even worse than Baked Valaska! _

'Well, I'm going to give you one.' Steve handed Caelan a laxative from the box, and Caelan gave it to Fletcher. 'If you take this pill I'll love you forever.'

'Is it Viagra?'

'No. It most definitely is not Viagra.'

'Okay,' said Fletcher and swallowed it. A second later, his face contorted and he grabbed his stomach. 'Oh God. I'm in pain. I need the loo...'

He vanished, and someone's life-long phobia of having a Teleporter appear beside them while they were using the toilet was finally justified. (But that's another story).

'Okay,' said Steve. 'Just what exactly was going on there, bro?'

'It's a long story,' said Caelan. 'But once the laxative works, he won't be in love with me anymore.'

'Ooh,' said Steve, miraculously understanding for some reason. 'You pricked an orange all over with a pin, then slept with it in your armpit and gave it to him, didn't you?'

'I didn't give it to him. I gave it to his girlfriend. She let him eat it.'

'And you're giving him the laxative because once the orange leaves his stomach, the spell thing won't work anymore.'

'Exactly.'

'You're so weird,' said Steve.

'Says the one who used to be a penguin.'

'Oi.'

THE END

**A/N: I know this is supposed to be a musical, but my excuse for not having any songs in this chapter is that nothing rhymes with orange. Sorry.**


	37. Scapegrace's Adventures with Instagram

It had been a confusing and wearisome day for Thrasher. If he didn't love his master so much, he might have even gone so far as to say it had been a BAD day - but then, nothing was bad when he was with Scapegrace. Not even four hours in Starbucks taking hipster photographs for Tumblr.

At first, Thrasher had been in the photographs too, but Scapegrace had gotten annoyed because he kept doing Bebo Stunners and grinning like a maniac, so Thrasher had been forced to go behind the camera instead.

'Quick, take one, take one,' said Scapegrace. He was sitting sideways on his seat staring at the ground, the long fringe on his newly acquired hipster wig falling into his eyes and obscuring most of his face. There was a venti mocha frappucino on the table in front of him. Thrasher got his camera ready.

'Okay, say cheese!' he chirruped.

'Thrasher!' Scapegrace snarled. 'Have you learned anything at all today? Hipsters do not say cheese!'

'Oh, right, sorry,' said Thrasher, hanging his head. 'What _will _you say then? Coffee? Weed? Neutral Milk Hotel?'

'I don't have to say anything, just take the damn picture!' Scapegrace snapped, before going back into his original pose. Thrasher obediently took the picture, then showed it to Scapegrace.

'Oh God, no,' said Scapegrace. 'That's awful. You can see my face.'

'What's wrong with that?' Thrasher humbly asked. 'Your face is gorgeous.'

'I know,' said Scapegrace. 'But it can't be in the picture. It needs to be obscured by my hair. Or maybe - yes! I know! Cut my head out of the picture altogether.'

'What's the point of that?'

'Just do it!'

Thrasher did as he was told.

'Okay, show me,' demanded Scapegrace, and Thrasher passed him the camera. 'Yes, that's much better. What should we do next?'

'Go to the funfair?' Thrasher asked hopefully.

'No, I meant what should our next picture be of.'

Thrasher's heart sank and his ear fell off.

'Haven't we taken enough pictures?' he asked meekly, but Scapegrace wasn't listening.

'I know! We need someone to take one of us kissing!'

Thrasher brightened up slightly. 'Yeah, OK. Who?'

Scapegrace scanned the room. 'One of those guys?' He pointed at two boys sitting at the next table, both their faces covered by iPads.

'Okay, I'll go ask them,' said Thrasher, and hopped to his feet. He stuck his ear in his pocket, to be glued back on later, and went over to the other table.

'Uh, hi,' he said. The boys didn't move their iPads, but they waved so he knew they could hear him.

'My boyfriend was wondering if you'd take a photo of us? He wants a snogging picture to put up on Tumblr, and - '

Thrasher didn't finish his sentence, because the boys had moved their iPads and suddenly he could see their faces. And they were faces he recognized.

'Jedward?' he whispered.

'Sssh!' the twins hissed in unison, looking around frantically to see if anyone had heard. Their hair was flat, and they looked pale and tired and slightly insane.

'What are you doing here?' Thrasher whispered. 'You're supposed to be in Azerbaijan for the Eurovision.'

'We can't,' said Edward.

'We're hiding,' said John.

'From Elle and Nicky.'

'They hate us.'

'They're out to get us.'

'It's like, totally crazy.'

'We're soooo not safe over there.'

'We're actually serious, okay.'

'They want revenge.'

'REVEEEEEEEEENGE!'

The twins hid behind their iPads again.

'But then who's going to represent Ireland in the Eurovision?' Thrasher asked, panic-stricken. He loved the Eurovision. It was his third-favourite thing after Vaurien and monocles. Sadly, Vaurien never wanted to watch it with him because he thought it was too mainstream.

Jedward did synchronized shrugging, then looked at him. 'We're trying to find some randomer to, like, basically stand in for us?' John told him.

'But we haven't found anyone yet,' Edward finished.

Thrasher took a deep breath. He had spent most of his life in the shadows, and even now, he had to do whatever his hipster boyfriend said. Could this be his chance to finally live his dream? Step into the spotlight? Have his five minutes of fame?

'I'll do it,' he blurted.

Identical looks of relief spread over the twins' faces. 'OMG, thank you so much,' they cried in unison.

'You just saved our life,' Edward told him, his eyes brimming with grateful tears.

'Can I sing my own song?' Thrasher asked.

'Whatever,' said John.

'Just go out there, and win it for us!' yelled Edward, before thumping him on the back and jumping out of the building on a pogo stick, followed by John.

Thrasher beamed to himself.

'Thrasher!' shouted Scapegrace. Thrasher jumped, startled, and turned to face his boyfriend.

'You never got those guys to take our picture,' Vaurien scowled.

'Oh yeah,' said Thrasher. 'Sorry. But guess what!'

'What?'

'They were Jedward in disguise! And they asked me to stand in for them at Eurovision!'

Scapegrace spat out his frappucino in shock and disgust. 'You must be joking!'

'No! I'm serious! Isn't it wonderful!'

'Of course it's not wonderful! No boyfriend of mine will EVER take part in something so mainstream as the - the - ' Scapegrace whispered the words - '_Eurovision Song Contest.'_

Thrasher trembled. 'Veevee, this could be my big chance. I've never told you this before, but it's always been my dream to represent my country in the Eurovision, and I'm sorry if you don't like it. But if you love me, you'll let me do this. Won't you?'

Scapegrace stared at him, then stood up and threw the remains of his frappucino into Thrasher's face. Thrasher gasped. So did the rest of the hipsters in Starbucks.

Without a word, Scapegrace turned and fled the shop, leaving his camera behind. Thrasher burst into tears and ran after him, but he jumped on a kid's bike and pedalled away. Thrasher, quietly sobbing, went back into Starbucks to collect the camera, while 35 hipsters took photographs of him (later to be uploaded to Tumblr with the tags #zombie, #love, #sad, #crying, #Starbucks, #frappucino, #heartbreak, #life.)

He went home, but Scapegrace wasn't there. Eventually, he found a Post-It stuck to the fridge which said 'Moving in with Clarabelle.'

Thrasher's eyes welled up with tears again.

'Oh, Veevee,' he whispered. 'What have I done?'

**A/N: TO BE CONTINUED!**


	38. Thrasher's Adventures in Baku

It seemed like there were no other options, so Thrasher wrote his Eurovision song (crying) packed his suitcase (crying) and hopped on the plane to Baku (crying all the way). When he reached his hotel room (crying slightly less) , he dumped his suitcase on the ground (now only sniffling) and took out his phone (wiping the tears away and composing himself).

However, his phone wallpaper was an Instagram picture of himself and Vaurien, staring dreamily into each other's eyes, and it set Thrasher off into floods of tears all over again. Finally, his tear ducts fell out (don't ask how) and he had to stop, so he pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and stared at it. It was his Eurovision song - his only chance for getting Vaurien back.

He heard a clock strike ten in the distance. Azerbaijan was four hours ahead of Ireland, so here, the Eurovision would start at midnight. Just two hours to go. Two hours until the moment that could either reunite Thrasher with the love of his life, or seperate them forever.  
_Wow, _Thrasher thought, surprised. _That was deep. Maybe I'm getting better at this hipster stuff.  
_

He had to be at the Crystal Hall two hours early to get his hair, make-up, costume, set-up and promo in, so he headed outside and got in a taxi. _I'm ready, _he thought determinedly (if that's a word). _Europe, here I come.  
_

TWO HOURS LATER (RIGHT BEFORE THE MOMENT THAT COULD EITHER REUNITE THRASHER WITH THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE OR SEPERATE THEM FOREVER)

Thrasher stood trembling in the wings with his backing dancers. Finland, the act that were on before him, were just finishing their song, and he could hear the hall fill with thunderous applause. Thrasher was almost positive that no-one would applaud for him - he was no Jedward, after all, just a balding little zombie with no tear ducts and a song in his heart. A really crap song. But that didn't matter. The only person he wanted to applaud for him was Vaurien. No one else's opinion mattered.

The cameras swung in his direction, and he was forced to smile at them and wave like mad. Then Thrasher walked onto the stage with shaky legs, and he heard thousands of murmurs in the crowd as they wondered where Jedward were. He hoped they wouldn't throw anything at him.

As his band got set up, the stadium was dark, and a short film thing about Azerbaijan - Land of Carpets played on the screen behind him. Then the Crystal Hall lit up green, white and orange, the band started to play Waterline, and Thrasher began to sing.

_"Scapegrace  
You're a babe  
If my heart could beat, it would be beating fast  
You're so great, so please stay  
I smell bad, but please take me back_

_You turned me into a zombie  
And I've never been in love so deeply before  
_

_Thanks to you, I am  
Zom-bi-fied  
When you're around, sometimes I lose my head  
And it feels fine  
_

_I'm so glad I was  
Zom-bi-fied  
And the way I'm loving you now  
I just want to always be known as your sidekick  
_

_Hipster hats, cameras flash  
Venti lattes, ice cream vans  
You make me feel alive  
Your laugh, your false moustache  
What's the use, I can't let you go_

_You turned me into a zombie  
I've never been in love so deeply before  
_

_Thanks to you, I am  
Zom-bi-fied  
When you're around, sometimes I lose my head  
And it feels fine  
_

_I'm so glad I was  
Zom-bi-fied  
And the way I'm loving you now  
I just want to always be known as your sidekick."  
_

The music stopped, and Thrasher's ear fell off. Hoping no-one had noticed, he shoved it into his pocket and faced the audience. They stared at him, and he stared back. A few people started to clap, and a couple of Irish flags waved around half-heartedly. Thrasher gave a watery smile and rushed off the stage, overcome by emotion.  
Now all he could do was wait.

Meanwhile, at Clarabelle's...

Vaurien was in his room, looking at LoveQuotesRUs on Tumblr while listening to sad hipster music, when Clarabelle came running in, her blue hair streaming behind her like a... blue curtain. 'Veevee! Thrasher's on the Eurovision! Come and see!'

Vaurien was about to harshly explain how much he despised the mainstream-ness of the Eurovision Song Contest when Clarabelle grabbed his hand and forcibly dragged him downstairs. She was surprisingly strong for a girl her size, and he feared his arm would come away from his body if he tried to pull away, so he reluctantly let her have her way.

What he saw on the television would have made his heart stop, if it hadn't stopped years ago already. His ex was standing on the stage. Singing about him. To the tune of a mainstream pop song, written by - dare he even think their names? - _Jedward, _the twin Antichrists of the hipster world.

And Vaurien was crying.

Not in shock. Not in horror. Not in disgust. He was crying because he'd been stupid enough to let Thrasher go when Thrasher was clearly the best thing to have ever happened to him, apart from that one time the Sanctuary officials were moving him to another prison and they forgot about him at the rest stop.

'Oh, Thrasher,' he sobbed. 'I've never been in love so deeply before, either.'

He took out his phone and called Thrasher. Thrasher answered on the first ring.

'Veevee?'

'Yes, it's me.'

'Oh, Veevee! Have you forgiven me?'

'Yes, yes and thrice yes!'

'Oh, Veevee, thank you! I'm so sorry I - '

Vaurien interrupted. 'Thrasher, will you marry me?'

'...What?'

'Will you be my zombie husband?'

'Oh, Veevee, of course I will! You've made me the happiest zombie alive!'

'I'm flying straight to Baku, okay? We can get married there because it's a suitably obscure place for a hipster wedding. Even if it is hosting the Eurovision.'

'Oh, Veevee, I can hardly wait!'

'I love you.'

'I love you too, Master.'

Thrasher put the phone down and started to dance around his hotel room. And not even his leg falling off could put a dampener on his happiness.

The end.


	39. Moustache Buddies

**I wanted this to be the zombie wedding one, but I just couldn't write it for some reason xD I fail at life... Hopefully I'll get it done later, but in the meantime, have this... erm... thing based on Potter Puppet Pals: Moustache Buddies! Any lines you recognize belong to it :)  
Also, I'm planning on editing all the early chapters and re-uploading them so they won't be crap anymore :D**

* * *

"Vaurien Scapegrace!"

Scapegrace was busy trimming his ironic beard when he heard the voice. He looked up. Standing before him was Billy-Ray Sanguine.

"Yes, Billy-Ray?" he said unenthusiastically. Scapegrace was technically still a member of the Revengers' Club, but ever since he'd become a hipster, evil just didn't really do it for him any more. Nowadays, Scapegrace expressed himself through Instagram photos, deep Tumblr gifs and thrift store clothing. But Billy-Ray, being the redneck that he was, just didn't understand this. He was always trying to get Scapegrace to help him with his mainstream evil plots, and Scapegrace was sick of it. Sometimes, Billy-Ray even wore crocs. This disgusted Scapegrace to his very core.

Still, Billy-Ray had a razor, and it was never a good idea to annoy a man with a razor.

"Mah most trusted zombie," Sanguine went on.

"I am at your service, Billy-Ray."

"As a hired Texan assassin," said Sanguine, "I feel that my image would be more intimidating if I had a moustache. Thoughts?"

Scapegrace paused. Moustaches weren't so bad, he thought. They could be very ironic when done correctly, just like his beard. However, knowing Sanguine, he would do it wrong and end up with a handlebar moustache like a general during the First World War. He was about to say this, when he remembered that Sanguine had a razor. And it was never a good idea to annoy a man with a razor.

"Erm, I'm sure you'd look fine."

"Okay," said Sanguine. "I'm gonna do it."

"Good luck."

"Well, hear me out, Scape," Sanguine continued. "What if, we _both_ grew moustaches! Huh?"

"Errrm," said Scapegrace again. He wasn't sure if his hair follicles were still in working order. His ironic beard was in fact fake, tied on with string, and the hair on his head was falling out in clumps. It had been months since he'd had to shave. Growing a moustache was probably going to be a challenge.

"See, if it was just me, people might think I'm weird," Sanguine explained. "Like, there goes that weird guy with the moustache!"

"I'm sure nobody would think that," muttered Scapegrace, eyeing Sanguine's razor.

"But if we _both_ did it," said Sanguine, "it would be like a _thing._ Y'know? Come on, let's rock it, bro."

"Is that an order, Billy-Ray?"

"Yes," said Sanguine. "Ooh! Can you square-dance?"

"Yes," admitted Scapegrace. Thrasher had taught him.

"Sweet!" said Sanguine. "Mah birthday's comin' up. I'll send you a Skulbook invite. See ya next week, moustache buddy!"

Cracks appeared in the floor, widening into a gaping hole, and Sanguine disappeared into it. The floor closed up over his head.

"Thrasher!" yelled Scapegrace.

Scapegrace's loving second-in-command (aka boyfriend) came thundering up the stairs at a speed of half a mile per hour. His hand fell off on the way up, but he ignored it, so desperate was he to reach his master (aka boyfriend).

"Thrasher, is it possible for a zombie to grow a moustache?" Scapegrace asked him.

"No, sir," said Thrasher. "We're dead. We're can't grow anything."

"I thought so," muttered Scapegrace. He thought of Sanguine's straight razor and shivered. He would have to do something.

"Fetch the problem stick!" he commanded.

Thrasher thundered back downstairs at a slightly faster speed of one mile per hour (stopping on the way to collect his hand) and then returned five minutes later with Wreath's Necromancer cane. "I thought this was just for fetching people out of alternate dimensions?" he enquired meekly, adding "Sir."

"The problem stick can be used for many things," announced Scapegrace, though honestly he hadn't a clue what he was talking about. "All I have to do is ask it what to do."

He cleared his throat and addressed the cane. "Problem stick, a scary man with a razor wants me to grow a moustache. However, I am a zombie, so I can't. What should I do?"

"I think," Wreath's Necromancer cane replied in a calm and friendly woman's voice, "that you should tell him how you feel. If he is a true friend, he'll understand."

Scapegrace shook his head. "No, he's not a true friend. He's a scary man with a razor. I think I need to trick him."

"Now, now," Wreath's Necromancer cane admonished him gently. "Honesty is always the best policy. Cheating will get you nowhere."

"Neither will annoying a man with a razor," Scapegrace pointed out.

"Fine," the cane snapped. "You could buy a false moustache, but those come off very easily, and there's a good chance of him not falling for it. There's only one way you could grow a real moustache, and that's by seeking out the boy with the magical hair."

"And using his hair to make a moustace?"

"Yes."

"Who's the boy with the magical hair, then?" Scapegrace asked, relaxing somewhat.

The cane sighed. "I can't tell you _that_," it said exasperatedly. "You're supposed to find out for yourself. It's a quest."

"Is it Fletcher Renn?"

There was a pause. "Yes."

"Oh," said Scapegrace. "Well, that was easy."

x-X-x

Two hours later, they found Fletcher in the mansion of the late Gordon Edgley. He was asleep on the couch. The rest of the house appeared to be empty.

"Aren't we going to ask him for permission first?" Thrasher asked anxiously, seeing his boyfriend advance on Fletcher with the scissors. "The problem stick said that honesty is always the best policy!"

"Not with him," said Scapegrace, nodding at the sleeping boy. "He won't let anyone touch his hair. Well, except Valkyrie, but she has to wear gloves, like the Pope. There's no way he'd let me cut off some of his hair to use as a moustache. I'm going to have to take it by force."

"But Scapey - " Thrasher began. Scapegrace silenced him with a look.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes, Scapey, but - "

"Then you'll let me do this, Thrasher. It's the only way."

Thrasher tried to imagine life after his boyfriend had been cut to pieces by Sanguine's straight razor. The thought was so terrible that he had to suppress a whimper.

"Okay," he whispered.

Scapegrace crouched down so that he was level with Fletcher's head. He brought the scissors forward, and suddenly Fletcher stirred slightly. If Scapegrace wasn't already dead, his heart would have stopped.

"Mmm, Caelan, you're so hot," the boy mumbled in his sleep. Scapegrace frowned.

"Did he just say what I think he said?" whispered Thrasher.

"Never mind," said Scapegrace. "We have a job to do."

He caught a lock of Fletcher's hair between his fingers and opened the scissors. Just when he was about to snip, Fletcher moved again. "ROOM SERVICE!" he shouted. Scapegrace was so startled he almost dropped the scissors.

"Bloody motherfucking shit!" he hissed. Thrasher's hands flew to his mouth.

"Scapey, you swore!"

"Shut up!" He turned back to Fletcher and this time he didn't hesitate, just chopped off a clump of hair as quickly as he could and shoved it into his pocket.

Just then, they heard the front door open. "Fletchichetchi?" Valkyrie called. "Are you there? I'm home..."

Panicking, the two zombies bolted for the window and threw themselves out. They landed painfully in a bush, Thrasher on top of Scapegrace.

"Well, this is quite romantic," said Thrasher suggestively.

"Shut up," Scapegrace snapped. "It's only romantic if I'm on top. Now get off, we need to get home and make my moustache."

They went home on the bus, Scapegrace insisting they sit at the back because the front was too mainstream. Unfortunately, there was an old lady already sitting on the seat he wanted, so he had to sit on top of her (Thrasher took a photo for Tumblr) but that's another story altogether.

When they got home, Scapegrace took the hair out of his pocket and was amazed to see it mould into the shape of a perfect hipster moustache.

"I told you it was magic hair," Wreath's Necromancer cane reminded him in its calm, melodious voice. "Now if you stick it to your top lip, it should just stick there with no need for adhesive."

Scapegrace tried it. She was right.

"Wow," he breathed. "Magic hair indeed."

He turned to Thrasher. "Time to practise our square dancing, I think."


	40. Rennet Cole

**So a while ago I got a request from SkuldugeryPleasant asking if I could put their character, Rennet Cole, into one of my stories, so here it is! I hope I did okay :D  
**

* * *

China Sorrows was busy sending anon hate to Anton Shudder on Tumblr when she heard a knock on her door.

"Enter," she called in a bored voice.

Valkyrie Cain walked in. "Hello, China."

"Oh, Valkyrie!" said China, looking up and closing her laptop. "How marvellous to see you. What are you doing here, hmm? Actually, never mind. Let's braid each other's hair and talk about boys!"

Valkyrie frowned. "Okay, who are you and what have you done with China Sorrows?"

China sighed. "I get lonely, so what?"

"Well, I need your advice," said Valkyrie gravely, sitting down opposite her.

"About boys?" asked China hopefully.

"No - well, sort of, actually," said Valkyrie. "I'm worried about the people Fletcher's started hanging out with."

China rolled her eyes. "You should be happy he's hanging out with anyone."

"No, really," said Valkyrie. "He's got this new friend called Rennet Cole, and I _think _I can vaguely remember reading a criminal file about him in the old Sanctuary before it was burned down, but I forget what it said."

"Fletcher's associating with criminals?"

"I think so, yeah."

"Dear me."

"What should I do?"

"Tell him to stop, of course. I thought he'd do anything you told him to?"

"Not anymore," said Valkyrie, sighing. "It's like most of the puppylike devotion he used to have for me has been transferred onto Rennet, and I'm kind of... well, I'm..."

"You're what?"

"I'm kind of jealous."

China raised her eyebrows.

"I can't help it!" Valkyrie wailed. "I just miss the days when he didn't have a life outside me!"

China sighed. "Tell me about this Rennet person."

"He's kind of short. Shorter than Fletcher. And he has messy dark brown hair and black eyes. I don't know what kind of magic he does."

"Well, you need to find out."

"Can you do some research on him?"

"I've never heard of him until now, but I'll ask around."

Valkyrie smiled and stood up to leave. "Thank you, China."

"Wait!" said China quickly. "Can I please braid your hair? Please? I so miss having friends."

Valkyrie sighed. "Okay, fine," she said and turned around.

China beamed and reached across the table, dividing Valkyrie's hair and then twining it together. "So tell me about your love life."

Valkyrie groaned. "What is there to tell?"

"Are you still involved with Caelan?"

"No, I think he's dating Clarabelle's walrus."

"Oh, poor Clarabelle. Was it a bad breakup?"

"No, I think they parted on good terms. Clarabelle doesn't think she's mature enough for a long-term relationship."

"Not even with a walrus?"

"Nope."

"And what about you? Are you seeing Fletcher again?"

"No, we've gone back to the master/slave dynamic."

China chuckled.

"Not in a perverted way!" said Valkyrie quickly. "We're not dating, he just hangs around and does stuff for me. Or at least, he _used_ to. Now he's got Rennet." Valkyrie scowled.

"Poor you." China finished doing Valkyrie's hair. "There! You look beautiful."

"Thank you," said Valkyrie. "Well, I'd better go."

"Okay," said China. "But come back tomorrow, we can do each other's nails."

Valkyrie gave her an uncertain smile. "Um... sure!" she said, before leaving as quickly as possible out the door.

* * *

She found Rennet and Fletcher sitting on a park bench in Haggard. It was the same bench Fletcher used to sit on with Valkyrie, which caused her to glare at the back of Rennet's head.

"Hello!" she said loudly, walking up behind them and placing her hands on the back of the bench.

"Oh, hello, Valkyrie," said Rennet politely. Fletcher said nothing, just stared blankly into space.

"I said, _hello_," Valkyrie yelled into Fletcher's ear, but he still didn't respond.

Valkyrie turned to Rennet. "What have you done with him?"

"Nothing," said Rennet. He tapped Fletcher's shoulder, and Fletcher looked around.

"Oh, hey, Val," he said.

Valkyrie frowned. "Why couldn't you hear me before?"

"Fine weather we're having, isn't it?" interrupted Rennet loudly, before Fletcher could answer.

"Not really," said Valkyrie sulkily. "It looks like it's about to rain."

"It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring," Fletcher sang.

Valkyrie turned to look at him. "What?"

"He went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning!"

"Fletcher, are you feeling all right?"

Fletcher nodded, then put his hands on Valkyrie's shoulders and leaned in very close to her. _"He died," _he whispered, eyes wide and deadly serious.

"What?" said Valkyrie, bewildered. "Who died?"

"The old man!" said Fletcher.

"Why are you acting so weirdly?" Valkyrie asked. "Have you been at the Skittles again?"

Fletcher giggled, rocking back and forth. "No," he said. "No Skittles."

"Alcohol, then?"

"Nope."

"Drugs?"

"Nope."

"Are you feverish?"

"I'm fine," said Fletcher. He buried his face in Valkyrie's hair. "Your hair smells pretty," he announced in a muffled voice.

Valkyrie pulled away from him. "Okay, tell me what's happening," she snapped at Rennet.

"I have no idea," said Rennet innocently. "Maybe he's ill."

Creeped out, Valkyrie took Fletcher's hand and pulled him to his feet. "C'mon, Fletch, let's go see Kenspeckle."

"But I'm not sick," said Fletcher, promptly falling down again. He grabbed Valkyrie's coat and pulled himself up, clinging onto her to steady himself.

"Can you teleport?" Valkyrie asked him.

"No," said Fletcher.

Worry began coursing through her. "Why not?"

"Dunno," was all he said.

Valkyrie rounded on Rennet. "Why can't he teleport?"

"Why are you asking me?" Rennet protested. "How would I know?"

"How long's he been like this?"

"Since just now," said Rennet, but her detective training told her he was lying.

Glaring at Rennet over her shoulder, she dragged Fletcher away to the Hibernian.

* * *

"Mr. Renn is showing symptoms of insanity," Kenspeckle told Valkyrie when he'd concluded his tests. "He also seems to have lost the ability to teleport."

"Oh God," said Valkyrie. "How did this happen?"

"He might have been bitten by a spider or something," said Kenspeckle. "I honestly have no idea. The only other way this could happen is if someone with the appropriate power was able to drain him of his sanity and use it to strengthen themselves."

"And who could do that?"

"RENNET COLE," said a voice from behind them, and they turned to see Skulduggery standing in the doorway and waving a file in front of their noses.

"Turns out China had a back-up file for him in her library that she'd forgotten about," he told them. "As a genius detective, I worked out that it was probably him who turned Fletcher insane."

"Oh, well done," said Valkyrie sarcastically. "I knew there was something wrong about him! What'll we do?"

"He's going to be difficult to defeat," said Skulduggery. "The more people he turns insane, the closer he gets to invincibility."

"So what'll we do?" Valkyrie repeated.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do!" said Skulduggery. "We're going to ask the problem stick!"

Twenty minutes and an unconscious Solomon Wreath later, the problem stick was sitting in front of them.

"Oh wise problem stick," said Skulduggery gravely (Valkyrie was biting her lip to hold in the laughter). "How can we defeat Rennet Cole?"

"Well," said the problem stick in its melodious Documentary Channel voice, "like all powerful mages, Mr. Cole has a weakness. Can you guess what it is?"

"Frogs," said Tanith (who was there, by the way).

"Moustaches," said Skulduggery.

"Jedward," said Valkyrie.

"No, no and no," said the problem stick. "His weakness is vampires. They are the one thing he is unable to turn insane - in fact, they somehow reverse his powers so that everyone he has turned insane in the last two weeks will go back to normal, as well as temporarily making him unable to use his powers on anyone else. So basically, just a plonk a vampire in front of him and you should be grand."

"Thank you, wise problem stick," said Skulduggery, bowing.

"No problem at all," it replied.

"Where are we going to find a co-operative vampire?" Valkyrie demanded.

Skulduggery looked at her. "Try the bushes in your back garden."

* * *

Two hours later, Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Tanith and Caelan had cornered Rennet in front of his hotel in Dublin.

"You can't stop me," he hissed. "Why do you even bother trying?"

"We _can _stop you," said Valkyrie. "No-one turns _my_ boyfriend insane."

"Er, Fletcher's not your boyfriend," Tanith pointed out.

"Oops," said Valkyrie. "Freudian slip. Well, anyway, we can stop you because we have a vampire!"

Rennet went pale. "V - vampire?" he whispered. "Where?"

They turned around to point at Caelan, but he wasn't there.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Valkyrie sighed. "Caelan, where are you?"

"Here," came a small voice from behind a dustbin. "I hid because I was intimidated."

Valkyrie sidled over to the dustbin. "If you come out and do this for us, I'll give you a kiss."

"Just one?" said the voice, taking on a creepier tone.

"Or several," said Valkyrie reluctantly.

"With tongue?"

"Eh, possibly."

"Done," said Caelan and stepped out from behind the bin. On seeing him, Rennet went even paler than before.

"Get him away!" he yelled.

"No," said Valkyrie as a van drew up behind them and three Cleavers got out.

"Touch his forehead," Valkyrie said to Caelan. "That'll reverse everything he's done in the last two weeks."

Caelan trembled. "Do I have to?"

She ran a hand up his arm. "If you want those kisses then yes."

He gulped. "Okay," he said and reached out and touched Rennet's forehead, causing Rennet to scream. Startled at the noise, Caelan pulled his hand back.

"That should do," said Valkyrie cheerfully, as the Cleavers got hold of Rennet and dragged him into their van. The door slammed shut.

"Can I have those kisses now?" Caelan asked Valkyrie.

"Ew, no, go away," she said dismissively. "I'm going to see if Fletcher's okay." She skipped off down the road.

Caelan sighed. "_5ever alone_," he whispered to himself and tiptoed away.

* * *

**A/N: I feel like I haven't done him justice, because he's a really cool character and his power is brilliant :( If you're reading this, SkuldugeryPleasant, you should totally write about him yourself. I'd definitely read it :)**

**Also, the next chapter is going to be the sequel to Moustache Buddies... BE AFRAID :L**


	41. Repaying Scapegrace

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! :DD **

**Also - FLAELAN IS THE BEST SHIP NAME EVER. IT SOUNDS LIKE FLAILING OH MY GOD. Thank you for bringing it to my attention xD**

**Anyway, this chapter is based on something that happened in the chapter entitled 'Sparkly Undead Butterflies.' Here's a reminder:**

-FLASHBACK-

"Never mind that. Can you get us out?" Skulduggery said.

"You'll owe me," warned Scapegrace.

-END FLASHBACK-

**...Yeah.**

**OK, now we've got that cleared up, on with the show :L**

* * *

It was a beautiful sunny morning on Cemetery Road. Skulduggery awoke from a night of peaceful meditation and went to collect the post.

'Bill, bill, bill, blackmail letter, bill - wait, hang on. Blackmail letter?'

DEaR SkULDugGerY (the letter read, in cut-out letters from newspapers):

I haVen'T forgOTTEn ThaT YOU owe Me foR thAt tiME thaT THRashEr and I REScuEd You FROm AnTarCtiCA.

YoURS sinCerelY

VAURien sCapeGraCE, KILLEr SuPreme and ZoMbiE KiNg.

Skulduggery wondered why Scapegrace had gone to the bother of cutting out and sticking letters to the paper, when he was going to sign it anyway, but apart from Scapegrace being an idiot there was a bigger problem at hand. Scapegrace was right - they DID owe him, and Skulduggery could only imagine the kind of horrible thing Scapegrace would make them do.

He called Valkyrie, Tanith, Ghastly and Fletcher and told them to come to his house for an emergency meeting. When they finally arrived, he showed them the letter.

Tanith burst out laughing. 'He is too stupid to live!'

'That's not the point. The point is he still expects us to pay him back. Any ideas on how we can weasel out of this?'

Everyone thought, even Fletcher. But nobody came up with anything, apart from Valkyrie's suggestion of 'Move to Uruguay,' which was turned down.

'There's nothing for it,' said Ghastly. 'We just have to do what he says.'

'Fine,' growled Skulduggery, and they set off to pay a visit to the zombies' air-conditioned van (which was actually just a fridge on wheels).

'Scapegrace! Thrasher! Are you there?'

There was a pause, then the fridge door swung open and the two zombies stepped out.

'Ah, Skulduggery,' said Scapegrace, trying and failing to look intimidating (he was about as intimidating as Dora the Explorer). 'I've been expecting you.'

'What do you want, Scapegrace?' Skulduggery sighed.

'I'll tell you what I want,' Scapegrace snarled, and everyone waited expectantly. A minute passed, then two, then three.

'Well?' said Skulduggery patiently.

'Well what?' asked Scapegrace, looking confused.

'You were going to tell us what you want.'

'Oh, yeah,' said Scapegrace, with a jovial face-palm. 'God, I'm so forgetful. Sorry. I was going to say... I want your hat.'

There was a stunned silence. Skulduggery reached up and touched his hat with shaking fingers. 'My... my _hat_?'

Scapegrace nodded cheerfully. 'Your hat.'

'Why?' Skulduggery whispered, horrorstruck.

'Because it's a hipster's dream,' said Scapegrace. 'It's just... perfect.' Lovehearts appeared in his eyes as he gazed at Skulduggery's hat. 'It's the kind of hat any self-respecting hipster would die for. It's obsure! It's vintage! It would go so well with my Neutral Milk Hotel T-shirt! Anyway, you owe us. We saved you all from freezing to death. Hat, please.'

'I can't give you my hat!' Skulduggery cried. 'It's part of me!'

'Skulduggery, you have a whole room full of them at home,' Valkyrie pointed out.

'I know,' said Skulduggery. 'But this one's my third favourite.'

'We do owe him, Skulduggery,' Ghastly said wearily. 'You can buy another one on eBay.'

'What's eBay?' said Skulduggery. 'And no, he can't have my hat. I am putting my skeletal foot down on that one. He can have anything else, anything at all, just not this hat.'

'But I _like_ that hat,' Scapegrace wailed. 'I'm not leaving until you give it to me.'

'Just give him the damn hat, Skulduggery,' Valkyrie sighed.

Skulduggery took his gun out. 'I'll shoot him first.'

'Now, now Skulduggery...' Ghastly began, but Skulduggery ignored him, placing his finger on the trigger.

'Ha,' said Scapegrace. 'Not so fast, funnybones,' and Sanguine popped up from behind him.

'You hurt mah moustache buddy,' Sanguine snarled, waving his razor, 'you hurt me.'

'Moustache buddy?' said Skulduggery. He looked closer at his two opponents. 'Oh, that's right, you have both have moustaches now. How cute.'

'Moustaches?' said Fletcher, who was at the back because nobody liked him. He moved up to the front to get a better look. 'Scapegrace, is that my hair you're using as a moustache?'

If there had been colour in Scapegrace's face, it would have drained away. 'Uh... no?'

'Yes, it is!' said Fletcher, sticking his face right in front of Scapegrace's so he could inspect the moustache further. 'So that's why this bit - ' he pointed to a patch of hair on the side of his head ' - is three inches shorter than it was yesterday. I feel so violated!'

Valkyrie looked at him. 'You measure your hair?'

'Better that than other things,' Fletcher muttered defensively.

'I only did it because the problem stick told me to!' Scapegrace wailed. 'Please don't teleport me to Peru! I'm sorry!'

'Wait a second,' said Sanguine. 'Do you mean to tell me that your moustache... isn't real?'

Scapegrace looked at him in terror. 'I'm sorry, Billy-Ray! It _had _to be fake! I'm a zombie! I'm dead! I can't grow a real moustache by myself!'

Sanguine's eyes filled with tears. 'Why didn't you just be honest with me? I thought we were friends who told each other everything! You don't have to lie to impress me!'

'I'm sorry!' Scapegrace wailed again.

Sanguine turned and strode off. 'We are so over!' he shouted over his shoulder. 'And you're not invited to mah square-dancing party no more!'

Scapegrace burst into tears and scuttled after him.

Skulduggery put his gun away. 'Well, that was easier than I thought,' he said, lovingly stroking his precious hat.

'My hair...' Fletcher whispered, traumatized. 'My hair is stuck to Scapegrace's face...'

Valkyrie gave him a comforting pat on the arm. 'Don't worry, Fletch, it's only three inches. It'll grow back.'

'But that bit's always going to be shorter than the rest of my hair now!' said Fletcher somewhat hysterically. 'It'll be _uneven! _Unless... unless... I get a haircut? Oh dear God no! Save me from the haircuts!'

'I think you could really do with a haircut,' Skulduggery said helpfully.

'NO!' Fletcher shrieked.

Valkyrie rubbed his back soothingly. 'It's okay. It's okay. Deep breaths.'

Suddenly they heard sobbing coming from somewhere in the distance. They all looked around and saw Scapegrace lying flat out on the ground, the signature cracks around him showing that Sanguine had disappeared into the earth a few minutes ago. Scapegrace was thumping the ground and wailing.

'Aww, the poor thing,' said Tanith. 'Skulduggery, would it be so bad if...'

'No.'

'Come on, Skulduggery,' said Ghastly. 'We owe him.'

'No.'

'Just give him your - '

'NO.'

Just then, Scapegrace sniffled, stood up and made his way over to them on trembling zombie legs. 'Please,' he whispered, 'can I have your hat?'

'No you may not,' said Skulduggery. 'For one thing, this is my third favourite hat, and for another, any debt I owe you is cancelled due to the revelation that you took some of Fletcher's hair without his permission. I see this as unforgivable. We are now enemies.'

Scapegrace was outraged. 'But you don't even like Fletcher!'

'Hey,' said Fletcher, looking wounded, even though deep down he knew it was true and that Skulduggery would never be the father figure he longed for in his dreams.

An idea suddenly hit Scapegrace, which was unusual.

'Fletcher doesn't mind that I took his hair,' said Scapegrace. 'Do you, Fletcher?'

'Of course I mind!' said Fletcher. 'It's my _hair!_ It's all I have!'

Scapegrace gave him a meaningful look. 'Or is it?'

Fletcher looked confused. 'What do you mean?'

'Aren't there any _people_ in your life?' Scapegrace asked him. 'People you value more than your hair?'

'Erm... ' Fletcher looked around for inspiration, but saw no-one. 'No, not really.'

'What about me?' said Valkyrie, offended.

'You?' said Fletcher. 'Oh, yeah, you're my girlfriend. I wouldn't say I value you more than my hair, though.'

Valkyrie glared at him.

'What?' said Fletcher. 'It's not like my opinion is important to you or anything.'

'True,' Valkyrie admitted.

'But _is_ Valkyrie the only person in your life?' Scapegrace continued. 'Don't you have any other... er... romantic interests?'

Fletcher stared at Scapegrace, eyes widening as realisation hit. _He knew. _How could he possibly know? Fletcher's conscious mind didn't even really know yet!

Of course. Scapegrace had taken his hair when he was asleep - he must have heard him sleeptalking. _Shit shit and also _merde, he thought, in a sudden bilingual outburst.

Valkyrie was looking at him suspiciously. He could feel himself going bright red.

'Fletcher, are you hiding something?' Valkyrie asked in her I'm-going-to-cut-you-to-pieces-with-a-meat-cleaver voice.

'No!' Fletcher cried.

'I would agree,' said Scapegrace sadly, 'if Fletcher wasn't holding me to this debt thing. How about this, Fletcher? You forgive me for stealing some of your hair, I don't tell anyone about your little secret, and Skulduggery gives me his hat. Win-win situation. Am I right?'

Fletcher nodded, his legs shaking. 'I forgive you.'

'Excellent,' said Scapegrace happily. He turned to Skulduggery. 'Can I have your hat now?'

'No!' snapped Skulduggery. 'Just because Fletcher forgives you doesn't mean I do!'

'Stop pretending you care about Fletcher and give me your hat,' sighed Scapegrace impatiently.

Skulduggery took out his gun again before realising it wasn't loaded. Then he sighed, knowing there was no way out, and he slowly reached up, took the hat off and handed it to Scapegrace, who beamed, kissed it and placed it reverently on his head. It actually did kind of go with his Neutral Milk Hotel T-shirt. A small part of Skulduggery died.

'Well, I lost a friend today, but I gained a truly perf hat,' said Scapegrace. 'Also, I finally managed to successfully blackmail someone,' he added with an appreciative nod towards Fletcher. 'I think I did pretty well, all things considered. So, bye everyone, I must fly.'

He gave them all a special hipster wave which is so obscure that only hipsters know how to do it, then got into his fridge on wheels and drove off. Skulduggery collapsed on the ground, sobbing, and Valkyrie turned to Fletcher, hands on hips.

'Okay. Please tell me what the hell this _little secret_ is.'

Fletcher quaked. 'Don't act like you don't fancy him, too! I know you do! I see the way you look at him!'

'At _who_?'

'Caelan!'

Everyone went silent, even Tanith and Ghastly, who'd been loudly fangirling over shoes for the past ten minutes.

'You never look at me like that,' said Fletcher quietly.

'So what if I fancy Caelan?' said a suddenly flustered Valkyrie. 'I'm with you, and that's the main thing!'

'Well, I fancy him too, so there!' Fletcher snapped. 'He's sex on legs! There! I said it! He. Is. Sex. On. Legs!'

Everyone went even more silent, and another small part of Skulduggery died.

'The only difference is,' said Fletcher, 'that I like _you_ more, whereas you seem to prefer _him_.'

'That's not fair!' Valkyrie yelled. 'I was rubbing your back a minute ago when you were freaking out about your hair! That's good girlfriend behaviour right there! That's called being supportive! That's called being there for you in your hour of need!'

'Yeah, and then afterwards you admitted that you don't care about my opinion,' Fletcher pointed out.

'Only because you were the one who brought it up!'

'Excuse me,' said Tanith, 'but aren't we missing out on the bigger picture here? Fletcher fancies Caelan. _Fletcher fancies Caelan_!'

'BUT PREFERS VALKYRIE!' Fletcher yelled. Everyone ignored him.

'Well, actually, I don't really mind that you fancy Caelan, to be perfectly honest,' said Valkyrie. 'It makes us even, doesn't it? And anyway I think it's kind of hot.'

Fletcher stopped. 'You do?'

'Yeah,' said Valkyrie and went all dreamy-eyed. 'What I wouldn't give to see you two ripping each other's clothes off...' She drifted off into a Flaelan fantasy while everyone around her except Fletcher was scarred, and yet another small part of Skulduggery died.

Fletcher grinned a perverted grin. 'Actually, that already happened a few chapters ago when I ate a corrupted orange, but never mind. Ménage a trois?'

Tanith ran off to bleach her brain.

'Probably not,' said Valkyrie wistfully. 'Caelan hates you.'

'Or do I?' came a stalkerish voice from behind them. Everybody turned to see Caelan standing there with a grin even more perverted than Fletcher's.

'I don't know,' said Fletcher, somewhat surprised. 'Do you?'

Caelan came closer. 'Not at all,' he murmured, doing his signature intense gaze. 'Quite the opposite, in fact.'

'I thought you liked _me_,' said Valkyrie, frowning.

'So did I,' said Caelan. 'But after Fletcher ate that orange and started trying to seduce me, I realised that he's actually kind of beautiful as well. Or maybe I was just glad that someone was paying attention to me for once. Either way, I would tap that.'

Fletcher grinned. 'Ménage a trois?' he said again.

'You're so sexy when you speak French,' said Caelan adoringly. 'And no. I think I'd rather have a little one-on-one time first, if you know what I mean.' He stroked Fletcher's face.

'No way!' Valkyrie yelled. 'He has a girlfriend! That's me,' she added somewhat unnecessarily.

'You can watch,' said Fletcher.

'Okay then,' she said.

Fletcher took her hand and the three of them vanished.

Skulduggery and Ghastly looked at each other. They were the only two left.

There was a very awkward silence.

Ghastly spontaneously combusted.

* * *

**A/N: Spontaneous combustion is great for when you can't think of an ending. ****But he will come back to life for the next chapter, don't worry xD **

**And on that cheerful note... reviews would be lovely :D**


	42. Dinnertime with Flaelan

**A/N: This is dedicated to Reia Kellyn, for starting me on the slightly dangerous thought process of what Flaelan's children would be like. xD I'm sure you all read her stories already, but if you don't then you really should because they are amazing :D  
Also, I was on the SP wiki yesterday looking for not-too-spoilery spoilers for KOTW and I found the chapter list and I saw the title of chapter 25 and I fangirled (but I'd better not tell you what it is in case you don't want to know) but yeah - asdfghkl :DDD (I don't like chapter 14 though. :L)  
Has anyone read it yet? I'm having conflicting emotions because I want to know everything that happens in it but at the same time I don't... bleurgh :'(  
**

* * *

As a thirty-four year old looking back on his life so far, Fletcher Renn decided that the biggest mistake he'd ever made was probably letting Caelan name their children.

"Angel of Darkness!" he called. "Draculette! Edward! Void! It's dinnertime!"

Instantly, two blonde children appeared at the table: a ten-year old girl with ringlets and an eight-year old boy carrying a monkey. Fletcher frowned.

"Void, what did I tell you about teleporting to the zoo and stealing the animals?"

The little boy sighed. "It's rude and a crime."

"Well, stop doing it then," said Fletcher and disappeared with the monkey. Void glowered at his plate and stabbed a pile of mashed potatoes with his fork. Angel of Darkness, the girl beside him, tossed her ringlets and Void went into a coughing fit as a cloud of hairspray invaded his lungs.

"You don't _need_ that much hairspray," he told her when he'd finished coughing. "Remember Dad told us? You only need to use _half _the can."

"Whatever," said the girl in a distinctly Essex accent, which was odd as she'd grown up in London. "I'm not taking any chances. The new series of Teleporters and Tiaras starts filming tomorrow, and my hair needs to look perfect."

Just then, two pale vampire children entered the room - Edward and Draculette. Edward's hair had been dyed 'copper' by Caelan who wanted him to look like the next Edward Cullen, but he hadn't done it very well. Edward's terrible dye job made him look a tiger cub.

"Oh. My. _God_," said Angel of Darkness, blessing herself. "Edward, will you _please _hide your hair? Like, put a hat on or something? I actually can't _stand_ to look at it - It, like, _offends _my retinas."

Edward looked at the floor and shuffled off to find a hat.

Draculette, who was also ten (and Angel of Darkness's twin, though they looked nothing alike) rolled her eyes and went to sit beside Void. Draculette looked like Ruby Gloom with fangs. She also had a Transylvanian accent, which was odd as she'd never even been to Transylvania (she _had _tried to get her Teleporter twin to take her, but Angel of Darkness had refused. She didn't like "creepy castles and bats.")

"Blahd," said Draculette.

"Ugh, here," muttered Angel of Darkness and pushed a glass of thick red liquid towards her sister.

"Sank you," said Draculette and took a huge gulp. Then Caelan entered, carrying a blonde baby girl. This was Fifibelle Valkyrie Kiev the Third, the only child Fletcher had been allowed to name. Caelan put her in her highchair and took out a jar of baby food.

"This could get slightly messy," he warned grimly. "Be careful."

Angel of Darkness rolled her eyes. "Duh, Dad, we've seen you feed Fifibelle before. Why doesn't Fletcher do it? He's better at it than you are."

"Well, Fletcher's clearly not here," Caelan pointed out irritably. "It has to be me."

"He'll be back in a minute," said Void. "He's just bringing my monkey back to the zoo."

"Well, I may as well make a start," said Caelan and spooned some baby food out of the jar. He brought it towards Fifibelle's mouth, but before he could get it in, Fifibelle vanished.

"Curses," snapped Caelan. "Why does this _always _happen?"

There was a popping noise behind them. Fletcher was back.

"Ah, my beloved, you have returned," said Caelan. "Our youngest child has disappeared again."

"Crap," said Fletcher. "Did you get at least one spoonful in?"

"No," said Caelan. His beautiful eyes filled with guilt. "I'm sorry, my love. I have failed you."

"Oh, that's okay," said Fletcher. "She'll be back soon, anyway. We can shackle her and then try again."

"I hate having to shackle our children," said Caelan.

"Me too, but it's the only way we can feed her without her disappearing," said Fletcher. "Okay, you lot," he added to his other children. "How's the dinner?"

"Vunderful," said Draculette, sipping her blood.

"Er, I was talking about the potatoes and carrots and stuff," said Fletcher. "But if you liked the blood, that's great, because Caelan went hunting for it specially yesterday and it's type O minus."

"My favourite," said Draculette happily.

Edward came back, wearing a hat. "Did somebody say type O minus?"

"Yes, Edward," said Caelan proudly. "I got it specially."

Edward sparkled with happiness.

"Edward!" Caelan said sternly. "Don't look so happy, you're an angsty vampire, remember? You hate yourself for liking the blood! You're miserable! You're conflicted!"

"Sorry, Father," said Edward humbly and his smile turned to an angsty frown, accompanied by intense staring in the direction of nothing in particular.

"Much better," said Caelan.

Fletcher leaned in. "Caelan," he whispered in his husband's ear. "Don't you think you're being a bit harsh?"

Caelan frowned. "Fletcher, are you questioning my parenting skills?"

"Oh, no, no," said Fletcher quickly. "I just don't think it's good to be too pushy, that's all..."

"Says the guy who has been styling his children's hair for four hours every morning since they were newborns," snapped Caelan, offended. He reached for the jug of blood and poured himself some.

"They _like_ that!" protested Fletcher.

"No they don't," said Caelan.

"They do!"

"Don't."

"Do!"

"Don't!"

"Do!"

"Well maybe you've clouded their brains with so much hairspray fumes that they don't even know what they like any more!" yelled Caelan, and with that he got up and stormed out of the dining room.

Fletcher ran after him, panicking. "Caelan! Come back! I'm sorry! Why are you so easily offended? Caeeeeeeelaaaaaaaan!"

Back in the dining room, the children looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Why can't we just have a normal mealtime for once?" muttered Angel of Darkness to herself.

Just then Fifibelle appeared back in her highchair with a jar of Nutella. Half of it was smeared all over her face, and she looked very pleased with herself.

"Well, looks like she doesn't need to be fed anymore," said Void.

Angel of Darkness covered her face with her hands. "_Oh _my God, that's like, _so_ fattening. All the calories! I think I might _faint_..."

"Not as fattening as blood," Void pointed out.

Fletcher trudged back inside. "Caelan's gone off somewhere, I don't know where. Oh, Fifibelle's back!"

He went over to the baby and picked her up. "Ooh, someone's been hungry." He sighed. "I don't know how we're supposed to get her to eat to normal food..."

"Put a tracking device inside her," Void suggested. "Then, the next time you're feeding her and she teleports away, you can just find out where she is, then teleport there yourself and fetch her back."

"Oh, good idea," said Fletcher. "You clearly take after me." Then he frowned. "Where are we supposed to get a tracking device?"

"Oh, let's worry about that during tomorrow's dinner," said Edward.

Fletcher nodded. Then he got a better look at Edward's hair. "Oh my God Edward, who did this to you? Your crowning glory!" he gasped in horror.

"It was Caelan," said Edward. "He wants to me to look more like Edward Cullen."

Caelan walked in the door.

"Speak of the devil," muttered Void.

"Fletcher, I've found it in my heart to forgive you," said Caelan solemnly.

"Oh, well, maybe I don't want to forgiven," said Fletcher frostily. "What have you done to our son's _hair_?"

"Oh God, not again," muttered Angel of Darkness. The children left (Draculette carrying Fifibelle), and their parents were alone in the kitchen.

"It didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to..." muttered Caelan, embarrassed.

"You have to be careful with hair dye!" Fletcher yelled. "One simple mistake and your hair is in danger! It's no laughing matter, Caelan!"

"I wasn't laughing," said Caelan. "I don't even know how to laugh." Then he smirked. "God, you're so hot when you're angry."

Fletcher rolled his eyes. "Stop, Caelan, I'm not in the mood."

Caelan took his hands and pulled him closer, but Fletcher shoved him away.

"Oh, _now_ I'm turned on," Caelan murmured.

Fletcher vanished.

"Damn," muttered Caelan. "This family is impossible."

Then he yelled up the stairs. "Void! What was it you were saying about tracking devices?"

* * *

**A/N: Sorry. I don't even know what that was supposed to be. xD  
****I also want to thank everyone who continues to read this despite the fact that I'm clearly going through a Flaelan phase. xD**


	43. Zombie Wedding

**A/N: Helloo! Here is the zombie wedding chapter at last :DD I am currently grounded and my mother has my laptop. However, by a miraculous turn of events I was able to post this today anyway (I sneaked into her room and got my laptop back when she was out shopping. I know - I'm such a rebel.) Sadly, it will probably be a few million years until the NEXT update, but I hope you enjoy this one anyway :DD **

It was a beautiful if slightly soggy day in Dublin. Scapegrace and Thrasher's wedding was in two hours (they had wanted to have it in Baku, but the heat was too strong and had melted Scapegrace's face slightly, so they had to have it in Ireland instead.) Tanith was doing Valkyrie's hair.

'Oh, this is so exciting,' Tanith squealed, almost burning her fingers on the curling iron. 'Scapegrace and Thrasher, our two favourite zombies, finally tying the knot!'

'Meh,' said Valkyrie. 'I don't even like Scapegrace.'

'Well, yeah, but you'd have to have a heart of stone not to like Thrasher,' said Tanith.

'I guess I must have a heart of stone, then,' said Valkyrie. 'Who else is going to be at this wedding, anyway?'

'Probably not many people,' Tanith admitted. 'Skulduggery said he didn't want to come, but he probably will in the end because he doesn't like feeling left out. I pressured Ghastly into coming. Kenspeckle is being the priest. I don't know about Fletcher. He might be bringing his new girlfriend.'

'Oh?' said Valkyrie, raising her eyebrows (but not her eyes, which were fixed on her nails in an air of superiority and contempt). 'Who's that, then?'

'Dunno, some girl,' said Tanith not very helpfully.

'Pffft,' said Valkyrie.

'Don't judge, you haven't even met her yet,' said Tanith fairly.

'Well, if she had the bad taste to date Fletcher, then I don't even know if I _want _to meet her.'

'Aren't you forgetting who _else _had the bad taste to date Fletcher?'

'No, who?'

'You're in denial, aren't you?'

'About what?'

Tanith sighed as she pinned Valkyrie's hair up. 'Never mind.'

Two hours later...

Seven people came to the wedding.

Valkyrie, Tanith, Ghastly, Skulduggery, Fletcher and Crystal Edgley sat awkwardly in a pew together as Kenspeckle rushed through the marriage ceremony. He wasn't a priest, but Scapegrace and Thrasher hadn't found a priest willing to wed two zombie men, so they'd decided he would have to do. He clearly wasn't enjoying himself.

'Do you, Vaurien Scapegrace, take Gerald to be your lawfully wedded husband?' muttered Kenspeckle.

'His name's Thrasher,' Scapegrace snapped.

'Whatever,' said Kenspeckle. 'Do you?'

Scapegrace's face lit up with love and joy as he gazed at Thrasher. 'I do.'

Thrasher tried hard to contain his squee-ing.

'And do you, _Gerald,' _said Kenspeckle with a defiant glance at Scapegrace, 'take Vaurien Scapegrace - '

'Killer Supreme,' interrupted Scapegrace.

' - to be your lawfully wedded husband?' Kenspeckle continued with a sigh.

'I do,' Thrasher breathed ecstatically.

'Great,' said Kenspeckle. 'You may kiss the - zombie.'

Scapegrace beamed and flung himself at Thrasher, their lips crashing together. Unfortunately, he flung himself too hard and the momentum sent Thrasher's head shooting off. It flew out of the church window. Scapegrace screamed.

'Reminds me of my first kiss with Fletcher,' Valkyrie muttered to Tanith.

Kenspeckle rolled his eyes and hurried away to get a Happy Meal.

'Guys!' Scapegrace yelled to the not-exactly-packed church. 'You've got to help me find my husband's head!'

Skulduggery sighed. 'Have we got anything better to do?' he asked his friends in the 'crowd.'

'No,' was the universal response.

'Okay, come on then,' said Skulduggery and they all trailed out of the door after Scapegrace, who was striding decisively ahead like a mother lioness determined to find her young.

Valkyrie and Tanith found themselves walking beside Crystal and Fletcher.

'So,' Tanith asked them. 'You two are dating now?'

Fletcher nodded. Crystal smirked at Valkyrie over his shoulder.

Valkyrie, however, had more pressing questions on her mind. 'Why do you have a mohawk?' she asked Fletcher.

'Because that's how they drew me in my official picture thing,' said Fletcher, casually breaking the fourth wall.

Valkyrie frowned. 'What official picture thing?'

'Oh. Er... never mind,' he said. 'What actually happened was, I realised that no-one liked me and so, in a fit of desperation and angst, I shaved both sides of my head and I was about to do the top bit when I broke down and couldn't do it. And now, it is the only part of my original hair that remains.' He stroked it, going a bit teary-eyed at the memory.

Crystal patted his arm.

'It really doesn't suit you, Fletch,' said Valkyrie somewhat brutally. 'I mean, you used to be hot but now? Just... no. It just doesn't work.'

Crystal glared at her. 'Of course he's still hot! Who cares what his hair looks like? He still has his face and that's the main thing. And other body parts as well,' she added with a slightly perverted grin.

'Speaking of his face,' said Valkyrie who was now in full-on Trinny and Susannah mode. 'He has a little beardy thing now. What's that all about?'

'I'm still here, you know,' said Fletcher in a slightly wounded voice. 'And I never wanted a beard. It's just the way the guy drew me.'

'What guy?' said Valkyrie, getting frustrated.

'NEVER MIND,' said Fletcher.

'You look good with stubble but I think you need to lose the beard,' Valkyrie concluded.

'Thank you, Gok Wan,' Fletcher muttered.

'Guys!' yelled Scapegrace from the front of the line. 'Has anyone seen Thrasher's head yet?'

'No,' they yelled back. They were outside the church now, walking up and down the road beside it.

'It doesn't seem to be anywhere here,' said Skulduggery. 'Which makes me think that it may have flown all the way into that field.' He pointed to the field on the other side of the road.

There was groaning and mumbling from everyone except Scapegrace, who yelled, 'Okay, follow me!'

He jumped over the stone wall into the field, and the wedding guests (who were all wearing fancy dresses and tuxedos) followed suit. Tanith let out a strangled noise when her €485 Jimmy Choo heels sank into the mud. Valkyrie, in a slightly more intelligent move, took her shoes off before entering the field and flung them behind her onto the road.

'What happens if they get run over?' asked Ghastly anxiously, who hated to see shoes in danger. He had taken the precaution of bringing wellies to protect his own Armani loafers just in case a situation like this arose.

'I don't give a flying slash fic,' said Valkyrie, whose shoes had been killing her all day. 'I hope I don't step in any sheep poo, though,' she added worriedly.

Ghastly looked at Valkyrie's shoes on the road. They were Prada - last-season Prada, but Prada all the same, and they were quite beautiful. In fact, they were art in shoe form. Then he looked back at the others, who were already trudging ahead, and made up his mind. With a whimper, he dashed across the road to rescue the shoes.

Meanwhile, Thrasher's head was nowhere to be found.

'Thrasher!' Scapegrace called plaintively. 'Thrasher, my darling! Can you hear me?'

Silence.

Scapegrace looked like he was about to cry.

'Why does this always happen?' he whispered. 'Everything something good is about to happen to me, it just goes down the drain!'

Skulduggery, for once in his life, took pity on him.

'We'll find him,' he assured Scapegrace. 'You just need to have faith in me and my unrivalled detective skills. If I can save the world approximately six times, I can find your husband's head. Don't worry.'

Scapegrace sniffled. 'Okay,' he said and tried to smile, but Skulduggery looked away in disgust.

'Please,' he said. 'Wipe your nose.'

'Oh, right, sorry,' said Scapegrace and wiped his nose with his sleeve. His nose fell off.

'Oops.'

Skulduggery sighed and walked on ahead.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie was moping along by herself, keeping beside the wall and having strange conflicting feelings about Fletcher's new haircut, when she heard a small voice on the other side of the wall, singing to itself.

'I'm ROLLING... rolling... ROLLING... rolling... Rolling on the river!'

She frowned and looked over the wall, only to see Thrasher's head rolling along the road at a gentle speed.

'Thrasher!' she exclaimed.

He stopped rolling. 'Oh, hello, Valkyrie!' he said, upside-down. 'Where's Veevee? Can you take me to him?'

'Sure,' said Valkyrie. She hopped over the wall and picked him up.

'Thanks,' he said happily. 'By the way, I found some shoes on the road - last-season Prada heels, by the looks of it, but someone came and stole them. I yelled at him to stop, but I don't think he heard me. Were they yours?'

'Yes, actually,' said Valkyrie, frowning. 'What am I going to do? I need my shoes! I can't go barefoot for the rest of the night!'

'Well, if you needed them so much you probably shouldn't have left them out in the middle of the road,' said Thrasher sensibly, but as usual his wisdom was ignored. Valkyrie jumped back over the wall, Thrasher's head tucked in her elbow.

'I FOUND THRASHER!' she yelled to the assembled group. They all stopped and looked around.

'Thrashikins!' screamed Scapegrace.

'Veevee!' shrieked Thrasher.

Scapegrace began running towards Thrasher in slow-motion, like he'd always dreamed of doing in his dreams, except in his dreams the muddy field was a flower-filled meadow and Thrasher's body was attached to his head. Still, it was close enough. You could almost hear the background music.

Tanith wiped away a stray tear as Scapegrace scooped Thrasher's head into his arms and planted a tender kiss on his lips.

'I love you,' he whispered, voice brimming with emotion.

'I love you too, Veevee,' Thrasher whispered joyfully back.

Tanith leaned her head on Ghastly's shoulder and Crystal did the same to Fletcher (who was still looking very depressed and half-bald.) Skulduggery exchanged a loaded look with China, who had suddenly appeared for convenience purposes (in wellies, so her shoes wouldn't suffer the same fate as Tanith's.) And Valkyrie scowled to herself in the Forever Alone corner.

'Ladies and gentlemen,' Scapegrace announced in a quaking voice, 'I feel I am at a turning point in my life. Today I realised that without Thrasher here, I would be nothing... nothing at all. And that in turn made me realise that I have no use for shallow, superficial things. Which is why I am going to give Fletcher his hair back.'

'What?' said Fletcher, completely lost.

Scapegrace peeled off his moustache, which had been custom-made from Fletcher's magical hair, and handed it back to Fletcher.

'Oh my God,' Fletcher whispered in awe. 'I have missed you so much.'

He pressed the clump of hair to his head, and it magically sank into his scalp and spread, covering up all the bald patches. Once again, his hair was the same length all over his head. He ran his fingers through it in amazement.

'I think you looked better before,' said Crystal critically.

'I beg to differ,' said Valkyrie. 'It's like he suddenly got all his hotness back.'

'No,' said Crystal. 'No, I'm just not seeing it.' She shook her head sadly.

'Sorry, Crystal,' said Fletcher, 'but you're just going to have to take me as I am.'

'I can't,' said Crystal. 'I'm too shallow. If you want to look like a pineapple, you're going to have to find yourself a girl who likes pineapples. Goodbye.' She hopped over the wall and left.

Fletcher looked around hopefully. 'Does anybody here like pineapples?'

'I like pineapples,' said Valkyrie, tossing her hair and smiling coyly.

'Does anybody ELSE like pineapples?'

Valkyrie frowned, offended.

'Maybe you'll find someone who likes pineapples at my wedding reception,' said Scapegrace. 'Which incidentally started two hours ago.'

'Let's go!' cried Thrasher. 'Except we have to get my body back first.'

'Oh, yes,' said Scapegrace with a perverted smile which made everyone a bit queasy.

They all jumped over the wall, Valkyrie resigned to going barefoot since her shoes still hadn't appeared. Her feet were covered in blisters and the nail polish on her toes had gone chipped and flaky, giving her feet an overall not very attractive appearance. Ghastly reached the car park first, unlocked his van and got inside. Conveniently, he had completely forgotten to give Valkyrie her shoes back. The road was all stony and covered in bits of broken glass.

China took off her wellies and changed into the Miu Miu heels she'd been keeping in her handbag. Valkyrie sighed, realising that she had no other option.

'China,' she said, 'can I borrow your wellies?'

**A/N: Mehh. I know. This chapter was terrible, but what can you do? (And don't say try harder. xD)**

**And yes, we now have new official drawings of Caelan, Scapegrace, Nye and Fletcher :) If you've seen them you'll know that I exaggerated slightly vis-a-vis Fletcher's beard. He does not have a beard. (He does have a mohawk though.) And Scapey is just as hot as I imagined him *heartshape***


	44. Two Weddings, a Divorce and a Bake Sale

**A/N: Apologies in advance for this piece of shite. I think my brain is leaking :(**

**Much love to all my reviewers!**

**Oh, and I'm thinking of doing a chapter with Myra in the future (probably with a lot of very stupid muffin jokes.) Any ideas? (I think the next one is going to be about Flaelan though. xD)**

**(Why am I so fond of brackets?)**

* * *

It was a beautiful moonlit night in Dublin. The air smelled of roses and corrupted oranges. Valkyrie was standing on her boyfriend's porch, saying goodbye to him.

'Goodbye, my love,' she said. 'Parting is such sweet sorrow.'

'Oh, do wait a while before you bid me adieu,' Hansard Kray responded breathlessly. 'I must ask you a question.'

(Yes, this is how he normally talks.)

'Yes, what is it, god of my idolatry?' replied Valkyrie, who had read Romeo and Juliet the day before so she would have some idea of what to say to him.

Hansard flipped his cape over one shoulder and got down on one knee. 'Valkyrie Cain,' he said, kissing her hand. 'Willst thou do me the honour of becoming my wife?'

'Sorry?' said Valkyrie.

He took out a ring. 'Will you marry me?'

'Oh God,' said Valkyrie, staring at it. 'I mean... gadzooks. I swear, Hansard, thou hast nearly stopped my heart with shock.'

He smiled at her. 'Oh, swear not by the moon, th'inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.'

'Hansard, I would like to say yes,' said Valkyrie uncertainly, 'but this is something I'm really going to need to think about.'

He looked disappointed. 'I understand, my love.'

'Okay,' she said. 'Thank you. I'll sleep on it, all right?'

He nodded. 'Prithee take all the time you need.'

'Er... of course. Lackaday.' She turned and headed down the driveway, stopping at the gate to wave at him.

He waved back in a sad and dramatic way. 'Until next time,' he called.

She blew him a kiss and hurried away. As she walked down the road, Hansard's father passed by and tried to feel her up. She kicked him, hard, and stalked on home to ring Tanith.

'Hello?' said Tanith all cheerfully on the other end.

'Tanith, Hansard proposed,' Valkyrie blurted.

There was a pause. 'Seriously?' said Tanith. 'It was only your third date.'

'He wears a cape, what did you expect?'

'Well, what did you say to him?'

'I said I'd sleep on it.'

'But do you _want_ to marry him?'

'Well, yes,' said Valkyrie. 'I don't know if I'd be prepared to talk in Shakespearean language for the rest of my life, but other than that, I have no problems. There's just one thing in the way.'

'What's that?'

'I'm already legally married to Fletcher.'

She heard Tanith spitting something out on the other end. She wished Tanith hadn't picked that precise moment to take a drink.

'WHAT?!' Tanith shrieked.

'Last year,' Valkyrie mumbled, 'me and Fletcher got drunk and he took me to Vegas. I don't remember any of it, but when I woke up the next morning there were official marriage documents all over the floor and I had a wedding ring on my finger. We had a Vegas wedding, Tanith. I am technically Fletcher's wife.'

'Oh my God,' Tanith whispered.

'Yep.'

'What are you going to do?'

'Well, obviously I can't be married to two guys at the same time, so... I guess me and Fletcher are going to have to have a divorce.'

'Where are you going to get the money for that? You spent all your inheritance from Gordon on those Armani trousers.'

'Oh, I've thought of that,' said Valkyrie, and Tanith relaxed, thinking that Valkyrie actually had a plan for once.

'What are you going to do?'

'I'm going to have a bake sale.'

Tanith groaned.

* * *

The next morning, Valkyrie rang Fletcher. Nerves jangled in the pit of her stomach as she waited for him to pick up.

'Hello?' he said when he finally answered.

'Hey,' she said. 'It's me. Fletcher, this isn't easy for me to say, but... I think we should get a divorce.'

There was a long pause. 'We're married?' he said at last.

'Eh, yeah. Vegas wedding, remember?'

'Oh, yeah,' he said. 'I remember now. That was a fun night.'

'That's one way to describe it.'

'So... you want to get a divorce? Why?'

'Because... oh, Fletch, I've met someone else. And he proposed to me. Last night.'

'Oh.' There was another long pause. 'Aren't you a bit young to be getting married? Getting married properly, I mean, not drunkenly in Vegas.'

'I'm nineteen,' said Valkyrie with a shrug. 'That's well over the legal age. And he's really hot, so why not?'

'Who is he?'

'Hansard Kray, do you know him?'

'Does he wear a cape?'

'Yes.'

'Then I know him.'

Valkyrie hesitated. 'So can we get divorced? I mean, we shouldn't have gotten married anyway, it was just a drunken mistake. It didn't _mean _anything... right?'

'Right,' said Fletcher slowly.

'Is that a yes?'

He sighed. 'I suppose. But where are we going to get the money?'

'I'm having a bake sale. Thrasher and Clarabelle are going to help me.'

'Er, good luck with that.'

'If you want to contribute, that'd be great. You do make lovely flans.'

He ignored her. 'Does Hansard know we're married?'

'No, and I intend for it to stay that way. So please, please don't tell him.'

He sighed. 'Fine.'

'Thank you. Also, you are automatically invited to our wedding. Whenever it is.'

'Oh, cheers. Val, you do know what being married _means, _right?'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, you won't be able to snog other guys, for a start. You're going to have to stay with the same bloke all your life.'

She paused. 'I know that,' she said uncertainly.

'Also, you're going to have to move in with him and change your last name to Kray. And when your friends are out having fun and dating loads of people, you'll be at home looking after your cape-wearing babies. Does that sound like fun to you?'

She sighed again. 'I'll see you later, okay?'

He didn't answer, just hung up.

She put the phone in her pocket and went over to Hansard's to accept his marriage proposal.

* * *

The next day, Valkyrie was standing at her stall in the Sanctuary gardens with Clarabelle and Thrasher. The cakes looked a bit misshapen, some of the brownies looked frankly inedible and the cupcakes were all coloured various shades of the rainbow, but she'd still managed to sell a fair bit already. In fact, they'd made five whole euro.

'This isn't enough to pay a lawyer,' she said glumly to Clarabelle.

'Don't worry, Valkyrie!' chirruped Clarabelle with a manic smile on her face. 'The day's not over yet!' She grabbed a lime green cupcake and shoved it under a passer-by's nose. 'Here, have a cupcake!' she said to the startled man. 'It's only one euro and it's for a good cause!'

'Really?' said the man, politely inching away. 'What's that, then?'

'I'm trying to divorce Fletcher Renn,' Valkyrie told him.

'Oh. Well, I suppose that _is_ a good cause,' the man said, and handed over a euro. He took the cupcake and went off.

'There!' said Clarabelle happily to Valkyrie. 'Now we have six euro!' She struck a pose like the Statue of Liberty for reasons unknown.

'Whoops,' said Thrasher, inspecting another one of the cupcakes. 'I think this one has a bit of my finger in it.'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. Then, out of nowhere, her cousins appeared.

'Carol and Crystal?' said Valkyrie, amazed. 'What are you two doing here?'

'We were looking for someone to give us magic lessons,' Carol explained. 'But so far we haven't found anyone.'

'I could give you lessons,' said Clarabelle happily, sticking a picture of a horse onto one of the cupcakes.

'Could you?' said Crystal, her face lighting up.

Clarabelle nodded. 'Sure. I'll meet you here on Monday.'

The twins beamed.

'Deadly,' they said in unison.

Then they looked at the stall. 'What are you doing?' Crystal asked.

'I'm having a bake sale so I can raise enough money to divorce Fletcher,' Valkyrie told them. 'We had a Vegas wedding last year when we were drunk, but now I've met someone else and I want to marry him instead.'

The twins stared at each other. 'And then Fletcher will be single?' Carol said slowly.

'I suppose,' said Valkyrie.

Crystal took her purse out of her bag and gave it to Valkyrie. 'Shut up and take my money.'

Valkyrie stared at her. 'Erm, how much is in here?'

'My entire life savings,' said Crystal solemnly. 'Three grand.'

'Here, take mine too,' said Carol, handing her own purse to Clarabelle. 'Five grand.'

'You can't be serious,' said Valkyrie.

'We are,' said Crystal.

'We're very serious,' said Carol.

After a brief internal battle, Valkyrie's morals gave up. 'Okey-doke,' she said cheerfully. 'Thank you.'

She quickly shoved both their purses into her bag before they could change their minds.

'Come on guys,' she said to Thrasher and Clarabelle. 'Let's pack up the stall, our work here is done.'

* * *

It was Valkyrie and Hansard's engagement party. Valkyrie was in her best dress. Hansard was in his best cape. Valkyrie had never been so happy in her whole life. She had officially divorced Fletcher, and now she and Hansard were free to spend the rest of their lives together. Also her ring was very very expensive and had a diamond on it the size of Ballina, which was always a good thing.

'Goodly Lord,' said Hansard suddenly, adjusting his monocle. 'Who's that?' He elbowed Valkyrie in the ribs and pointed.

'Please stop having a monocle,' Valkyrie muttered, before looking to see who he was pointing at. 'Oh, that's Fletcher Renn. He's my - friend. Ish. Of sorts.'

'I'm going to go and talk to him,' said Hansard.

'Okay, but take off the monocle first, it's embarrassing,' Valkyrie said.

'Fine,' he said grudgingly and took it off, before hurrying over to Fletcher. Valkyrie hesitated, then decided to go over with him to make sure they didn't start fighting over her.

'Hello,' said Hansard to Fletcher with a slightly creepy smile.

Fletcher smiled politely back. 'Er, hi. You must be Hansard. I'm Fletcher Renn.'

Hansard nodded. 'I know.'

There was an awkward silence.

'Did you come here alone?' Hansard asked Fletcher, inching slightly closer.

'Yeah, I did actually,' said Fletcher, looking confused.

Hansard took his arm. 'Come outside with me?'

With a bewildered look over his shoulder to Valkyrie, Fletcher followed Hansard outside.

'Uh-oh.' Tanith grinned at Valkyrie over the rim of her glass. 'Looks like your fiancé has his eye on Fletcher.'

'No way,' said Valkyrie defiantly. 'Hansard is straight. Skulduggery _assured _me he was. And anyway, he's in love with me and we're getting married. So there.'

'So why did he just go off with Fletcher?' asked Tanith innocently, taking a sip of champagne.

'They're probably fighting over me,' said Valkyrie. 'Yeah. That's probably what they're doing.'

'That's not what it looked like,' Tanith pointed out.

'Oh, shut up, Tanith,' Valkyrie snapped. 'I hate it when you make me face the truth.' She stormed off in a huff.

Tanith smirked to herself.

After twenty minutes had passed and Fletcher and Hansard still hadn't come back, Valkyrie decided to go out and look for them. She looked around the car park and saw Flansard happening inside Hansard's car.

'OH MY GOD,' she screamed in horror. They didn't hear her.

She turned and fled back inside the hotel, where she picked up a glass and tapped it with a spoon to get everyone's attention. When that wasn't loud enough, she used a nearby foghorn.

There was sudden silence.

'Attention everyone,' she said with as much dignity as she could. 'The engagement is off. I'm sorry for wasting all your time here tonight.'

There was shocked murmuring from the crowd as she pulled off her engagement ring with the 7 kg diamond and threw it across the room (it hit Beryl on the forehead) and then turned and stalked away.

Tanith dithered for a moment, then decided to run after her. 'Val,' she shouted. 'Val! What happened?'

Valkyrie turned. 'You were right,' she mumbled. 'They're in Hansard's car.'

Tanith pulled her into a hug. 'Oh, Val...'

Valkyrie buried her face in Tanith's shoulder, blinking back tears. Then she saw something in the corner of her eye. It was Hansard's cape, lying on the ground.

Without thinking, she threw a fireball at it. They stood and watched it burn. It was a soothing experience.

'You know what?' said Valkyrie after a moment. 'I think I'm actually kind of relieved.'

Tanith frowned. 'Why?'

'Well... I mean... I was going to get _married. _How stupid is that?'

Tanith laughed. 'You really need to start thinking things through before you do them, you know that?'

Valkyrie smiled. 'Yeah. Still, at least now I'll never have to say lackaday again.'

Tanith put an arm around Valkyrie's shoulders and they walked back into the hotel to drink and be merry. 'Exactly.'

(Meanwhile, Beryl was in an ambulance with concussion from the ring hitting her on the forehead, but that's a completely different story altogether.)

The end.


	45. Crumpets, Flaelan and Tumblr Fame

**This is so crap, I'm sorry xD**

* * *

It was a beautiful, sunny morning. In a house in London (more specifically known as Chez Renn) four children, a Teleporter and a vampire were eating breakfast. Fletcher was just admiring his beautiful family when he realised that someone was missing.

'Where,' he said in freezing tones, 'is Fifibelle Valkyrie Kiev the Third?'

Everyone looked around. Fifibelle's highchair was empty.

'How did we not notice that before?' marvelled Void.

'Chill out, Dad,' mumbled Angel of Darkness through a mouthful of cornflakes. 'She's a Teleporter, she'll come back.'

Fletcher turned to Caelan. 'Did we ever get that tracking device?'

'No,' said Caelan helpfully.

_'Merde,' _said Fletcher. 'I hope she isn't anywhere dangerous.'

'I'm sure she's fine,' said Edward darkly. 'Try being a vampire. _That's _dangerous.'

'Oh, shut up, Edward,' said Angel of Darkness. 'No-one cares.'

Edward went back to angstily eating his cornflakes.

'If she's not when I get home from work,' Fletcher announced, 'I'm going to look for her.'

'What, all over the world?' said Angel of Darkness. 'That might take you a while.'

Fletcher threw a tea cosy at her and swept out of the room. Caelan finished his blood and stood up.

'Get ready for school or you'll be late,' he instructed his children before following Fletcher out.

'Meh,' muttered Angel of Darkness. 'School.'

'I like school,' ventured Draculette in her Transylvanian accent. 'Ve are learning about newts and so on in biology.'

'Yay, newts,' said Angel of Darkness without enthusiasm. 'Fun for all the family. Meanwhile, my project on England in the 1950s is due today and I'm probably going to get an F. I wrote, like, an essay on the way people talked back then? But the internet was down, and I was grounded so I couldn't go to the library. All I had to go on was the stuff I basically already knew in my head.'

'Oh, this'll be funny,' said Void. Angel of Darkness hit him with a placemat.

'Can I read it?' asked Draculette. Angel of Darkness shrugged and pushed a piece of paper across the table towards her.

_The English Language in the 1950s, by Angel of Darkness Renn_

_The vocabulary of English people in the 1950s was different to the way it is now. For instance, if a 1950s person wanted to argue with another 1950s person, it would probably go something like:_

_Timothy: I say, old chap, it was not very spiffing of you to spit in my condensed milk.  
Roger: Well, old bean, I think you will find that your knickerbockers are stupid and not at all wizard._

_At which point they would beat each other to death with crumpets._

Draculette snorted.

'Oi,' said Angel of Darkness. 'I spent hours on that.' She sighed, and put her chin in her hands. 'It doesn't matter though. I'm still going to get a detention. God, I wish we could just stay at home today.'

Caelan popped his head around the door, if you can imagine that. 'All right, my brethren, Fletcher and I are leaving for work now. Well, Fletcher is going to work. I'm going to stalk people. Make sure you get to school on time. Farewell.' He blew them all a kiss and his head disappeared.

'Vell, ve'd better be off,' said Draculette and stood up, slipping her schoolbag onto her back. 'Come on.'

They followed her unwillingly out the door. As they reached the road, the boys ran ahead like hooligans. Draculette tutted and fell into step with her twin, who was trudging along all gloomy and depressed.

'Miss Stevens is going to, like, totally kill me when she reads my essay,' Angel of Darkness moaned. 'I can see her now. She'll be all like, _Miss Renn, this is far too short and ridiculous and also, it is physically impossible to beat someone to death with a crumpet. _Blah, blah, blah. On and on and on.' Suddenly her face lit up, and she grabbed her sister's arm. 'Let's mitch!'

Draculette froze. 'Meetch? I can't meetch! I haff exams next veek!'

'Soz, babe,' said Angel of Darkness, dragging Draculette down a side street, away from the school. 'I can't understand your Transylvanian accent.'

If it was physically possible for Draculette to grow paler, she would have. 'Zis is such a bad idea.'

'Why?' said Angel of Darkness jubilantly, beginning to skip. Her blonde hair flew out around her like an out-of-control halo. 'What's the worst that could happen? Do you think we're going to get _kidnapped?'_

And then they were kidnapped.

A shadow fell over them and they looked up to see that they'd been trapped inside a net.

'Are you serious?' said Angel of Darkness, spinning around in confusion. 'A _net? _What is this, Tom and Jerry?'

They heard the unmistakeable _schwep-schwepping _sound of a penguin walking towards them, and then Steve emerged from the shadows. 'Hello, girls.'

'Steve?' said Angel of Darkness, who knew him for some reason. 'I thought you were a human.'

Steve sighed heavily. 'A fortune-teller put a curse on me and my wife. Now I'm a were-human. Penguin by day, human by night. Skulduggery was right when he said that there's were-practically everythings, you know. Mikki is a were-Mary Sue. Anyway, enough about me and my unfortunate life. Are you Flaelan's daughters?'

'Erm... no,' said Angel of Darkness, while Draculette bit her lip and fidgeted.

'Well, one of you has blonde ridiculous hair and the other is quite clearly a vampire, so...'

'That could be anyone,' Angel of Darkness retorted.

Steve raised an eyebrow. Or at least, he would have if he'd had eyebrows. He was doing mental eyebrow-raising inside his head. Angel of Darkness and Draculette could tell.

'Give it up, okay?' said Steve. 'I know you're lying. Now, which one of you is Draculette?'

'Oh, it's definitely not the pale dark-haired one with the fangs and the Transylvanian accent,' said Angel of Darkness sardonically.

'Aha,' said Steve. 'So you must be Angel of Darkness. Nice to meet you.'

'Vhy are ve in a net?' ventured Draculette timidly.

Angel of Darkness nodded. 'Now we're getting to the big questions.'

'Well,' said Steve, 'I used to be the CEO of Steve's Laxatives, but we fell on hard times. You see, once I became a were-human, I could only come to work at night, because if I came by day, everyone would know I was a penguin, and no-one would take me seriously. But I kept falling asleep on the job, and also mine and Mikki's sex life was really suffering. So I took the advice of Cosmo magazine. I sold Steve's Laxatives and became a hired assassin.'

'Cool story, bro,' said Angel of Darkness.

'And I was ordered by my boss to kidnap you,' Steve concluded.

'Who's your boss?' Angel of Darkness asked.

Steve looked shifty. 'I'm afraid I am not at liberty to disclose that information.'

'Ees eet Vaurien Scapegrace?' asked Draculette.

'Yes,' said Steve.

'Well, Steve,' said Angel of Darkness, 'it's been, like, amazeballs to see you again, but I'm afraid my sister and I have to basically teleport _away_ now? So, you know... have a nice day.'

She tried to vanish, but nothing happened. She closed her eyes, scrunched up her face and tried again, but still nothing happened.

Draculette snorted. 'You look consteepated,' she said. 'Maybe you need vun of Steve's Laxatives.'

'Shut up,' said Angel of Darkness. 'Why can't I teleport?'

Steve looked pleased with himself. 'Because this is a magic net. It magically drains you of your powers.'

'Typical,' muttered Angel of Darkness.

Draculette looked anxious. 'Vhat does Scapegrace vant us for?'

'Er, never mind that,' said Steve. 'Let's get you in my helicopter. We're going to my master's lair.'

Twenty minutes later...

Steve knocked on the door of a comfortable-looking semi-detached house in Lucan. (It was next door to Jedward's, but that is another story for another day.) A zombie wearing a hipster fedora, a Neutral Milk Hotel T-shirt, maroon skinny jeans, Converse and a vintage waistcoat opened the door.

'Hello, Vaurien,' said Steve pleasantly. 'I got Flaelan's daughters for you.'

'Hmm,' said Scapegrace, looking them up and down. 'They're not as pretty as I hoped, but they'll do.'

Now Angel of Darkness was looking almost as scared as Draculette. Scapegrace gave them a nasty smile.

Just then, another, more portly zombie pottered out from the kitchen. He was wearing an apron and a balaclava, and he was holding a plate of gingerbread men.

'You can take off the balaclava, Thrasher,' said Scapegrace, taking one of the gingerbread men and biting the head off it in what he probably thought was a savage way. 'We're among friends.'

'It's not that,' said Thrasher in a muffled voice.

'What is it, then?'

'My lips have fallen off,' mumbled Thrasher.

Angel of Darkness began to sing. '_Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle, some nights I wish they'd just fall off...'_

'No, no, no!' howled Scapegrace, covering his ears as if Angel of Darkness had mortally offended them. 'That used to be a good song, before it became all mainstream. Now it's just commercial rubbish like everything else.'

'But it's still the same song, Master,' Thrasher protested timidly.

'Shut up,' snapped Scapegrace, which was his automatic response when confronted with logic. 'I have Flaelan's daughters. What do you think?'

'I don't know, I can't see them.'

'Well, take off the bleedin' balaclava, then!' Scapegrace yelled in his natural North Dublin accent, which he had been trying to hide since he was eighteen. Then he blushed and said in his previous D4 tones, 'Sorry about that. I don't know what came over me.'

Thrasher took off the balaclava and tried to surreptitiously stick his lips back on. Then he looked at Draculette and Angel of Darkness and said, 'Oh yes, master, I think they'd be lovely. I love the contrast between them... like dark and light. It will be very dramatic and meaningful.'

The sisters exchanged confused looks.

'Okey-doke, get the camera then,' said Scapegrace.

Angel of Darkness's eyes widened. 'Oh. My. God.' She blessed herself. 'He's going to take dirty pictures of us!'

'What?' said Scapegrace. 'No, of course not. I run a hipster photography blog called Vintage Zombie. I'm quite tumblr famous actually. But recently I've been running out of things to take pictures of, and my followers have been complaining because ninety per cent of my stuff nowadays are just reblogs. But then I heard about you two, and I knew you'd be just perfect for my photos, so I thought I'd have you both kidnapped and do a quick photoshoot. It won't be dirty in the slightest. I am gay, after all.'

Draculette stared at him. 'Oh my God, you run Vintage Zombie? Zat's like my tumblr crush! Vill you follow my grunge blog? Promo for promo?'

'Of course,' said Scapegrace slyly. 'If you pose for my photos.'

Draculette grabbed Angel of Darkness's arm. 'Ve _haff _to do eet. Please. It vould be a dream come true for me to be posted on Vintage Zombie.'

'No,' said Angel of Darkness. 'I am putting my foot down with a firm hand. Come on, Draculette, we're teleporting home to London like, right now.'

'Not so fast, Malibu Barbie,' said Scapegrace. 'I've got something you might be interested in.'

'Oh yeah?' said Angel of Darkness sceptically. 'What's that?'

'Your little sister,' said Scapegrace.

Angel of Darkness frowned. 'What?'

'Thrasher,' said Scapegrace, 'fetch Fifibelle.'

Thrasher pootled into the front room and returned with Fifibelle Valkyrie Kiev the Third, who was eating a chocolate lollipop.

'Fifibelle!' her sisters shrieked.

Fifibelle beamed at them. Her little teeth were covered in chocolate.

'She was just watching Dora on telly, the little dote,' said Thrasher fondly.

Draculette noticed a symbol drawn on Fifibelle's forehead with chalk. 'Vat is that?'

'It's to stop her teleporting,' Scapegrace told them. 'And we're not giving her back until you two agree to be in our photographs.'

'Ugh, fine,' said Angel of Darkness.

Draculette actually smiled.

*  
The photoshoot took all day. Thrasher was in charge of hair and makeup, and Scapegrace was in charge of clothes. They looked through all the thrift stores in the Dublin before they started taking pictures (this took a while as Scapegrace insisted on making the sign of the cross and hissing '_The Antichrist' _every time they passed a pair of Crocs), but when they had amassed enough patterned tights, floral shorts, fedoras and fingerless gloves to clothe a small army, they began to look for locations to shoot in.

First they went to Starbucks, where Draculette and Angel of Darkness sat with a frappucino each, not looking at the camera while Thrasher frantically snapped photographs and Scapegrace barked instructions ('Move over, the light isn't hitting your hair!' 'You're not looking vague enough! Look vaguer!') Then the girls went into the toilets to change into floral dresses and Converse, and they drove around until they found a meadow, where Thrasher took about seventy seperate pictures of them sitting in the grass with their hair covering their faces. Scapegrace and Thrasher had a brief argument about which filter was better, X-Pro or Earlybird, which Scapegrace won by knocking Thrasher's head off, and then they went to a park to take the final few pictures. By the time they were finished, it was four o'clock.

'We'd better go home,' said Angel of Darkness. 'School's just finished.'

'Sank you for making me tumblr famous,' Draculette said breathlessly to the zombies.

'No bother,' said Thrasher cheerfully.

'Yeah, bye,' said Scapegrace disinterestedly, already turning away to examine his camera. The sisters took Fifibelle and vanished.

When they reappeared in Chez Renn, Fletcher was pacing around the kitchen looking worried while Caelan practised his intense gaze on his reflection in the kettle. They looked up and saw their daughters in front of them.

'Fifibelle!' Fletcher exclaimed and hugged her, completely ignoring the other two. 'Where have you been?'

'She was kidnapped by two zombie hipsters,' Angel of Darkness explained, opening the fridge.

Fletcher and Caelan exchanged sceptical glances.

'It's true!' Angel of Darkness insisted. 'I saw it with my actual vision!'

'It's really not worth asking, is it?' said Fletcher.

'Probably not,' said Caelan.

They teleported upstairs and Flaelan happened.

The end.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry again. xD  
Suggestions and stuff are always welcome... :)**


	46. Myra and the Wolf

It was a surprisingly cold and wet day in Australia, and Myra was busy filling a basket with muffins to bring to her grandmother who lived in the woods.

"Grandmother is going to be so happy when I give her these," she told Fletcher, who was watching her in bewilderment because he'd never had a nice girlfriend before and he wasn't used to them. "They're her favourite... apricot and poppy seed."

They sounded pretty manky to Fletcher, but he couldn't say so. It would be like kicking the Angel Gabriel in the face.

Myra draped a cloth over the top of the basket to stop the muffins from falling out or being eaten by flies or whatever, and then she put on a coat. A red one. With a hood.

"Well, I'd better go," she trilled. She kissed Fletcher goodbye. "I'll miss you."

Fletcher was amazed. "Really?"

"Wow, that Valkyrie girl really destroyed your self-esteem," Myra remarked. "Anyway, bye!" She skipped out the door, putting her hood up to protect her hair from the rain, and headed in the direction of the forest.

(**A/N: I really don't know what the story is with Australia and forests, but as you might have already guessed, this is based on Little Red Riding Hood, so there kind of has to be a forest. Sorry.)**

Myra really liked forests. In fact, she really liked everything. But it was a fairly dangerous forest full of wild beasts and corrupted oranges, so she had to be careful. Myra wasn't great at self-defence. Generally, she needed her knight in shining armour to protect her, but he wasn't there. He was at home watching Jeremy Kyle.

Which was why she was unable to protect herself when the wolf jumped out at her.

Myra screamed, and jumped back. The wolf (who was a bit of a strange-looking wolf) growled at her and came closer, sniffing at her muffin basket. She wrapped her arms around it protectively.

"Where are you going?" the wolf asked.

Myra was used to talking wolves. They were quite common in Australia. This particular wolf had an Irish accent, but that didn't strike her as odd. After all, there were a lot of Irish immigrants in Australia at the moment thanks to the recession.

"I'm going to visit my grandmother and give her some muffins," Myra told the wolf.

"Cool," said the wolf. "How many do you have?"

"Grandmothers? Two, but the other one lives in Perth."

"No, I meant muffins."

"Oh, right. Twelve."

"That's loads. I'm sure your granny wouldn't be able to eat twelve muffins. Maybe you should give one to me."

"No, I don't think so," said Myra politely. "My granny has quite a big appetite."

"I'm sure it's not as big as mine," said the wolf, with a bit of a threatening edge to its voice.

The threat didn't register with Myra. "No, probably not," she agreed cheerfully. "Anyway, I must be on my way. My granny will be expecting me. See you later, wolf."

"Bye," the wolf muttered sulkily and retreated back into the bushes.

Her journey continued without further incident, and at around one o'clock she reached her grandmother's house. She knocked cheerily on the door.

"Granny? It's me, Myra, your favourite granddaughter!"

"Myra," came a frail voice from inside. "Come in, dearie, come in."

Myra skipped into the house and went into her grandmother's bedroom. Her granny was sitting up in bed. She looked a bit different than usual, but Myra thought nothing of it. _Maybe she's been experimenting with her make-up._

"I made your favourite muffins, Granny! Apricot and poppy seed!" Myra chirruped, holding out the basket. Then she frowned, getting a closer look at her granny's face. Was she wearing false eyelashes?

"My, what long, voluminous eyelashes you have, Grandma."

"All the better to impress the lads, my dear," said her granny and winked. This struck Myra as distinctly odd (and gross.) Then she noticed something else.

"My, what perfectly shaped fingernails you have, Grandma."

"All the better to open cans with, my dear."

"My, what toned and muscled arms you have, Grandma."

Suddenly, her grandmother's expression changed into one of pure fury. "All the better to _strangle _you with, my dear!" she screeched and launched herself at Myra, wrapping her fingers around Myra's throat. As she did so, her cap flew off, revealing long dark hair.

"Valkyrie?" Myra tried to say, but it came out as "Gurk?"

"Oh, you think you're so great, don't you?" Valkyrie snarled. "Pretty little college student with your Australian accent and your muffins. But you don't even compare to me. You don't even _compare, _and soon enough, Fletcher's going to realize that, too. If he hasn't already."

Myra was a paragon of virtue, and at one point the Vatican had considered making her a saint. But she had one weakness, and that was bitchfights.

Strength suddenly coursed through her, and she prised Valkyrie's fingers off her throat and almost threw her across the room.

"You don't deserve him!" she shrieked. "He's told me about you - you two-timing skank!"

Valkyrie stood up. "_What _did you just call me?"

"It's true, and you know it," said Myra defensively. "Oh, and by the way, what's with the twenty-seven layers of mascara? Why don't you take some of those tissues out of your bra and use them to wipe that gunk off your face?"

"That's a bit rich coming from you," Valkyrie snapped. "What brand is _your _make-up, huh? Crayola?"

Myra shrieked, outraged, and launched herself at Valkyrie, scraping her face with her fingernails. Valkyrie grabbed Myra's hair and pulled.

"Ow!" Myra howled. "Get off me, you bitch! What have I ever done to you?"

"You stole my boyfriend!"

Myra laughed. "Oh, that's funny. You cheated on him and dumped him like a year before he even _met _me. He was _not _your boyfriend. And he never will be again, so get used to it, you possessive psycho."

"He might _say _he's over me," Valkyrie snapped. "But I know he isn't. You're just a rebound gone wrong. If it was a choice between me and you, he'd pick me every single time."

"Oh, shut up! You're like twelve!"

"I'm seventeen!"

Myra paused. "Wait a minute," she said randomly. "Were you that wolf?"

Valkyrie stopped for a second. "Yes," she said. "But then I decided the granny disguise was better."

"Oh."

They went back to fighting.

"Fletcher needs someone his own age," Myra snarled, dodging Valkyrie's fists and landing a well-aimed kick at her stomach. "Someone with experience, not some immature selfish little brat who thinks she's so hot."

"I'm not the sad person baking muffins!" Valkyrie yelled, shoving Myra away as she advanced.

"Oooh," said Myra, folding her arms. "Did you really just insult my muffins? Shit just got PERSONAL."

She picked up a chair and flung it at Valkyrie, who used the air to deflect it and send it hurtling back. Myra dived out of the way, heard it crash against the opposite wall. Then a sudden thought struck her. She stood up.

"Hey," she said, frowning. "What did you do with my grandma?"

Just then, the back door crashed open and Myra's grandmother came running in at a surprisingly fast speed for an eighty-seven year old. She was holding a stick.

"Nothing, dearie!" she yelled. "I'm right here!"

Valkyrie frowned and looked around, and the stick _thwacked _into the back of her skull. Instantly, she slumped to the ground, unconscious.

Myra exhaled. "Wow."

"She was keeping me tied up in the bathroom," Myra's granny explained. "But I cut the ropes using my razor and escaped. Sorry it took me so long. She's a right little cow, isn't she?"

Myra nodded. "Thanks, Grandma."

"You're very welcome, pet."

And then they ate the muffins and lived happily ever after.

The end.


	47. Flaelan vs Flansard

It was a beautiful, sunny morning in London. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the Wombles of Wimbledon Common were wombling around, picking up litter or whatever it is Wombles do. Inside Chez Renn (which was, incidentally, called Chez Renn because Chez Caelan would just sound stupid), it was nice and peaceful because the children had all cleared off to school, and Fletcher and Caelan were eating toast with marmalade in the kitchen. Well, Fletcher was eating toast with marmalade. Caelan was eating toast with blood.

'This is nice, isn't it?' said Caelan seductively as he munched his bloody toast.

'Yeah,' said Fletcher, misunderstanding him. 'This is the best toast I've ever eaten.'

'No, I mean it's nice that we're alone together for once,' said Caelan. 'An empty house, no kids... anything could happen.'

Fletcher sighed. 'Actually, Caelan, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.' He put his toast down.

Caelan frowned. 'Is there a problem, my sweet? Do you not love me any more? Because then I'd have to kill you. Just saying.'

'I do love you, Caelan, it's just... you never help me out around the house.'

Caelan relaxed. 'Is that all?'

Fletcher looked upset. 'It really annoys me. There's some slates on the roof that need to be fixed, the attic needs to be cleaned out, there's a huge pile of laundry waiting to be washed, dried and ironed, and I read somewhere that you're supposed to disinfect your bin every month. Did you know that? I have to do all that stuff by myself because you never help me, you just sit around and, I don't know, brood.'

'I'm a vampire,' said Caelan. 'I'm supposed to brood. It's my job.'

'Well, brooding isn't going to fix the roof. Or clean out the attic. Or disinfect the bin.'

'God, you sound like my mother.' (Caelan's mother was called Esmé, by the way. Just so you know.)

'I don't care!' Fletcher snapped. 'You need to start pulling your weight, young man!'

Caelan got up and stalked off, leaving Fletcher to fume alone with his marmalade. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Fletcher was too exhausted from housework to walk, so he teleported over and opened it. Hansard Kray stood there.

'Hello, Fletcher,' he said seductively, swishing his cape.

Fletcher swallowed. 'Hansard,' he said nervously. 'I thought we agreed never to see each other again?'

'We did,' Hansard agreed. 'But in sooth, I became lonely and now I long for your company.'

'Oh, gadzooks. Hansard, listen, you're a nice guy and everything - when you look past the cape and the monocle - but I'm with Caelan.'

'Ah, yes, that lazy article,' said Hansard. 'I couldn't help but overhear your - erm - disagreement from where I was standing in your garden, and I must sympathize with you. I know how unpleasant it is to live with someone who is too lazy to do anything all day. Alas, my father art the exact same.'

Fletcher took a few minutes to figure out what 'art' meant, then made the mistake of looking into Hansard's smouldery eyes. They seemed to burn into his. Like they were looking into his very soul.

'Can we discuss this later?' he asked pleadingly.

Hansard sighed. 'Fine. I will wait.' He stalked off down the driveway, swishing his cape behind him, then turned at the front gate. 'Until next time,' he called.

Fletcher gave him a weak smile and closed the door, his mind in turmoil. Caelan or Hansard? The truth was, they were both prats, but who was the lesser prat? It was like his own Twilight-style love triangle, except thankfully with no werewolves.

'Caelan?' he called, wondering if Caelan was going to come down and apologize. But there was no reply.

Suddenly, Fletcher's superhero senses started tingling. There was someone in trouble in Australia! (He knew this because... oh, I don't know. It's just crackfic.) He teleported to the danger scene. It was a crumbly old castle, with briars growing all around the outside of it.

'Huh,' he said. 'I didn't know there were castles in Australia.'

Just then, he heard the sound of snoring and looked around. A man was lying on the ground, fast asleep.

'Well, that's a bit odd.'

He wandered around for a bit, and after about twelve kilometres he came across a shop. The shopkeeper was lying over the counter, fast asleep. All around the shop, customers were snoozing on the floor.

'Okay,' said Fletcher intelligently. 'There's something strange going on here. If only I knew a detective who'd be able to figure this out... oh, wait.'

He took out his phone and rang Skulduggery.

'Ah, Fletcher, my boy,' said Skulduggery when he answered. 'Can I call you back? Irish Celebrity Meltdowns is on in five minutes.'

'Seriously? I love Irish Celebrity Meltdowns,' said Fletcher wistfully. 'It's like the only thing I miss about Ireland. Anyway, I'll be quick. I'm in Australia, and everyone is asleep for some reason. Do you know why that is?'

'God, Fletcher, haven't you heard?' said Skulduggery impatiently. 'You must have been living under a rock. Three years ago, Davina Marr got the hump because some Australian fella dumped her. So she put a curse on the guy's daughter, a beautiful princess, to make her prick her finger and fall asleep for a hundred years. China tried to make things slightly better by making the rest of Australia fall asleep as well, and that, in case you were wondering, is the reason Dannii Minogue is no longer a judge on the X Factor. I don't know how that was supposed to help, but there you go. Anyway, the people will only wake up if someone manages to get into the castle and give the princess a kiss.'

'I didn't know they had princesses in Australia,' said Fletcher, frowning.

'My dear boy, the things you don't know about Australia could fill several books,' said Skulduggery. 'Now, if you don't mind, Irish Celebrity Meltdowns is about to start, so - oh, wait, do you want to talk to Valkyrie?'

'No.'

'Fair enough. Bye so.' He hung up.

Fletcher put the phone back into his pocket and thought deeply, which was a rare feat for him. Someone needed to kiss the princess. Well, why couldn't it be him? He and Caelan appeared to be on a break, so it wouldn't technically be cheating. He shrugged, and teleported into the castle.

He looked around him. It looked like a normal girl's bedroom. He noticed there was a Jedward poster on the wall. _A woman after my own heart, _he thought.

Then he saw the girl lying on the four-poster bed. She was fast asleep, her long silky brown hair fanning across the pillow. She looked around his own age, and her face radiated goodness and kindness and happiness and warmth. She had a saintly Kate Middleton type smile on her face as she slept, like she was dreaming about giving soup to the poor.

Fletcher forgot all about Caelan and Hansard and leaned in to kiss her. Her eyelids fluttered open.

'Oh, hello!' she said happily. 'My knight in shining armour has arrived at last!'

'I'm your knight in shining armour?'

'Well, you've saved me from sleeping through the next hundred years, so yes. Wow, I wasn't expecting you to be this hot,' she added brightly.

Fletcher flicked his hair. 'Thanks. I've been experimenting with deep-conditioning.'

She giggled. 'I'm Princess Myra by the way. Would you like a muffin?'

_Oh my God,_ thought Fletcher. _I have found the person of my dreams._

Later that day, Fletcher teleported home to London with Myra only to find Caensard happening in the bushes in the front garden, as a Womble pervily looked on. He ignored them and went into the house to introduce Draculette, Angel of Darkness, Edward, Void and Fifibelle Valkyrie Kiev the Third to their new mother.

And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

**A/N: To ship Flyra, Flansard or Flaelan? The age-old dilemma... Don't worry, I will probably never make up my mind properly on this one, so it will probably change with every chapter... (I draw the line at Flapegrace, however.)**

**Also, don't ask me what that Womble thing was about. I miss the Wombles. I think I watched it, like, twice when I was four. That was quality British television. And what are the children of today watching? Peppa Pig. That's what. **

**Anyway... much love to everyone who reviewed! :D **


	48. House Hunting

It was a freezing cold morning in Dublin, the temperature well below zero. Scapegrace and Thrasher were huddled together in a smelly heap in their ice cream van home, miserable and shivering. The heater in the van had broken a long time ago, and it was not a very comfortable place to be.

'Master?' ventured Thrasher.

'Yes, idiot?' said Scapegrace.

'Maybe we should go somewhere else.'

Scapegrace sighed. 'Like where?'

'Somewhere warm that isn't an ice cream van.'

'What a novel idea, Thrasher,' said Scapegrace, voice dripping with sarcasm. 'I don't know how you think of them. You're absolutely right. Let me just dip into my savings...' He made a show of looking through his pockets. 'Excellent. Just enough to buy a comfortable semi-detached three-bedroom house in the suburbs.'

'Oh, wonderful!' said Thrasher, who had trouble understanding sarcasm sometimes. 'Shall we go and find an estate agent?'

Scapegrace responded by hitting Thrasher very hard on the head with a box of Donegal Catch. 'No, you fool. _This_ is my savings.' He pulled a grubby fiver out of his pocket and waved it in front of Thrasher's face. 'It's not even enough for one night in a motel, let alone a bloody semi in the suburbs. Why else do you think we're kipping in an ice cream van, moron?'

'Oh,' said Thrasher, looking crestfallen. 'Right. Sorry.'

Scapegrace sighed again.

Just then, Scapegrace's iPhone (complete with boho phone cover) buzzed, and he took it out of his pocket and checked it.

'Oh, look. A message from Clarabelle.'

'Yay!' said Thrasher happily. 'What does it say?'

'It says, _Can bees get married?'_

Thrasher frowned. 'Do they?'

'I don't know. What am I, some kind of bee whisperer?'

Thrasher shrugged, then suddenly his face lit up. 'Wait a minute! Clarabelle lives somewhere!'

'Hey, you're right!' said Scapegrace, eyes widening and eyebrows falling off. 'Maybe she could put a roof over our heads!' He gave Thrasher an unexpected hug, which made the squatter zombie go pink with delight. 'Bless you, Thrasher, and your occasional moments of brilliance.'

He dialled Clarabelle's number. 'Hello? Clarabelle? Yeah... any craic? No, just wondering if we could move in with you. Really? Ah, yer a star, luv,' he said happily, his true North Dublinness once again making an appearance, and with that he triumphantly hung up.

'Well?' said Thrasher excitedly.

'She said okay,' said Scapegrace jubilantly, hopping into the front seat and revving up the Penguinmobile. 'To Clarabelle's gaff!'

And the Penguinmobile roared away.

It was a week later, and Scapegrace woke up in Clarabelle's spare bedroom to find the entire room filled with scones.

Everywhere he looked, piles of scones towered over him, some of them touching the roof. Everything on all of the shelves had been removed to make way for the scones. Every available surface had at least thirty scones on it. Some of the scones were in the shape of hoovers.

Scapegrace was used to Clarabelle's oddness, but even still, he couldn't help but feel slightly overwhelmed. He sat up in bed, and noticed that his duvet was also weighed down with scones.

_Good thing I like scones, _he thought optimistically, and bit into one.

They were as hard as rock and only half as tasty. He spat it back out just as Clarabelle skipped into the room.

'Good morning, Vaurien!' she chirruped. 'I made scones!'

'I see that,' said Scapegrace.

Just then, Thrasher shuffled in. His head had been replaced by a giant scone.

'Oh good grief,' said Scapegrace.

'What do you think of Thrasher's new look?' Clarabelle asked excitedly. 'I think he looks yummy if you know what I mean.' She burst out laughing; it was an alarming honking sound. 'Get it - yummy?'

'Because his head is a scone,' nodded Scapegrace. 'Yes, I got it.'

'Lolz,' said Clarabelle. 'Okay, I'm going to buy some more flour. Bye guys!' And out she skipped.

Scapegrace sighed and shuffled over to the wardrobe. When he opened it, he saw that each and every pair of his vintage shoes had been stuffed with scones. He turned to Thrasher, struggling to remain calm.

'We can't stay here,' he stated flatly.

'Sorry?' came Thrasher's voice from another room, and Scapegrace remembered that scones didn't have ears. He sighed again, shuffled into the living room, picked Thrasher's head up from where it was resting atop a ceramic gnome, and shouted, 'WE CAN'T STAY HERE.'

Thrasher winced at the noise. 'Why not?'

Scapegrace brought Thrasher's head back into his room and reattached it to Thrasher's body, dumping the giant scone on the ground. 'Look, Thrasher. Look at my vintage shoes.'

He pointed dramatically into the wardrobe and Thrasher's eyes widened. He knew how seriously Scapegrace took his vintage shoe preservation.

'They are going to have crumbs on them now,' said Scapegrace slightly shakily.

'I'm so sorry, Master,' said Thrasher. 'I see what you mean. We should go.'

Scapegrace nodded. 'Just let me pack my trilby collection.'

Twenty minutes later, Scapegrace and Thrasher were back in the Penguinmobile, driving around in aimless circles.

'Where shall we go?' said Scapegrace in a Scarlett O'Hara voice for the fifth time that day. 'What shall we do?'

Yet again, Thrasher had no answer.

Suddenly, they passed a familiar building. Bespoke Tailor's. The Penguinmobile skidded to a halt outside.

'Aha!' Scapegrace screeched with delight. 'Ghastly Bespoke is a kindly man. Surely he will give us shelter for the night!'

Thrasher still didn't say anything. Scapegrace's increasingly hysterical behaviour was beginning to unsettle him. He decided to put it down to desperation.

Scapegrace hopped out of the Penguinmobile, dragging Thrasher with him, and knocked on Ghastly's door. Ghastly opened it.

'Good day, Mr. Bespoke,' said Scapegrace politely. 'My par - er - comrade and I are temporarily lacking a fixed abode and we were wondering if you might be so kind as to let us stay with you for a short while.'

Ghastly looked surprised. 'Those were impressively big words for someone who can't read.'

'I can too read,' said Scapegrace defensively. 'Just not very fast, that's all. And I learned all them words off some programme on the telly with Stephen Fry in it.'

Ghastly nodded. 'That explains a lot.'

'So can we?' Thrasher asked hopefully.

Ghastly looked tired. 'Can you what?'

'Stay with you?'

'For how long?' asked Ghastly warily.

'We don't know yet,' said Scapegrace.

Ghastly sighed. 'Oh, fine. You can have the spare room if you repay me in housework. Also, the spare room is right beside my workroom, so please be quiet.'

'Don't worry,' Scapegrace reassured him. 'It'll be like we're not even here.'

It was two a.m. and Scapegrace and Thrasher were lying awake in Ghastly's spare room, listening to the _whirr_ of his sewing machine. It had been _whirr_ing all night, and through the thin walls it sounded like it was _whirr_ing right beside them.

'Does he ever stop bloody _whirr_ing?' Scapegrace eventually hissed, his patience exhausted.

Thrasher didn't answer.

'Does he have insomnia or something? He's been working in the Sanctuary all day. He must be tired. Why doesn't he just go to sleep?'

'I think he's lonely,' whispered Thrasher, who was incidentally wearing blue and white striped pyjamas exactly like the ones worn by Banana One and Banana Two from the hit TV show Bananas in Pyjamas.

'What has that got to do with him staying up all night sewing?' demanded Scapegrace, who was incidentally wearing briefs and nothing else. (Thrasher would have been happy about this if it wasn't for the fact that some of his intestines were unattractively protruding from his stomach.)

'Well,' said Thrasher thoughtfully, 'maybe he can't face the thought of getting into his cold and lonely bed, all alone.'

There was silence while Thrasher's words sank in. Then Scapegrace whispered, '_Thrasher_!'

'Yes, master?' said Thrasher worriedly.

'Stop being all thoughtful and sensitive, you crap zombie! I named you Thrasher for a reason!'

'Sorry, master,' replied Thrasher meekly, and then added, 'I think Gerald suited me better.'

_Whirr._

_Whirr._

_Whirr._

'Ghastly Bespoke has no life,' Scapegrace muttered.

Suddenly, the well-built figure of Ghastly Bespoke loomed in the doorway. 'Say that to my face, bitch.'

Ten minutes later (he'd generously given them time to pack their things), the two zombies were being booted out onto the road. 'I warned you about the thin walls!' Ghastly yelled before slamming the door.

'Shit, there goes our second chance at warm accomadation,' said Scapegrace glumly. 'Still, at least we've gotten away from that endless _whirr_ing.'

'That's right, Master,' said Thrasher encouragingly. 'Always look on the bright side of life.'

Scapegrace gave him a Chinese burn.

Just then, an almost empty bus stopped at the bus stop beside them. Because the bus was warm and dry and it was minus three degrees outside, Thrasher and Scapegrace decided to get on it. They paid with the over-65s bus passes that they'd nicked off Fletcher Renn and sat down the back.

'Do you know where this bus is going?' asked Thrasher.

'No, but it's warm and the seats are comfy so I don't care,' Scapegrace replied, and leaned his head against the window, rejoicing in the warmth and comfiness.

But all too soon, the bus stopped in Haggard. 'Last stop, lads,' yelled the bus driver in his thick North Dublin accent.

The two zombies reluctantly got up and walked to the door. 'Thanks, Jim,' said Scapegrace.

The bus driver frowned and craned his neck to get a better look at Scapegrace. 'Vaurien?' he said, confused. 'Wha' are yeh doin' wit yer intestines hangin' ouh?'

Scapegrace didn't answer, just stepped off the bus with Thrasher and the doors hissed closed behind them.

'Long lost cousin,' he explained to Thrasher once the bus had driven off. 'I had to cut all ties to him after I became a hipster.'

They began to walk aimlessly through the town, looking for a decent place to spend the night. After a while, they passed a street of nice houses, one of which had a window open on the second floor.

'Doesn't look like there's anyone home,' said Scapegrace slowly.

Thrasher covered his mouth with his hand. 'Oooh, Master, that's breaking and entering! We can't do that!'

Scapegrace glared at him. 'Thrasher, we are not four years old anymore. You can forget about all of the morals you learned from Sesame Street. Come on.' And with that he began to climb with surprising agility up the fire escape. Thrasher hesitated, then followed.

When Scapegrace reached the window, he hauled himself up onto the sill and then flung himself into the empty room. Thrasher did the same, landing painfully on the carpeted floor. They looked around. It looked like a teenage girl's bedroom, but not an ordinary one. There were no posters on the bare white walls, no dressing table covered in makeup and hair products, no photographs of laughing friends - or was there? Thrasher saw one photograph, lying on the desk. He picked it up, and his little zombie heart instantly sank. It was of Valkyrie Cain, surrounded by Tanith Low, Fletcher Renn, Ghastly Bespoke and Skulduggery Pleasant.

They were in Valkyrie Cain's bedroom.

Thrasher turned to Scapegrace. 'Mas - '

But it was too late. Scapegrace was already fast asleep on the floor.

Thrasher groaned, but it looked like there was no other choice. He crawled underneath the bed and got himself comfortable. It looked like they were here for the night.

* * *

**A/N: To be continued! (Sort of.)**


	49. Startled By His Ridiculous Hair

**Hello again :)**

**I know I haven't updated in ages. I'm sorry! If you've never read this story before, I would advise (no, actually, beg) you to PLEASE NOT READ the earlier chapters, because they're shite, which is why I deleted some of them. If you've reviewed previous chapters, you might not be able to review this one because of those deleted chapters, but (if you really love me) you can still do it anonymously or whatever :D**

**Anyway, this particular chapter is in the style of The Confessions of Georgia Nicolson by Louise Rennison. If you've never read those, then you will probably find this confusing and weird, so don't read it. Or read it if you want, I can't tell you what to do. (You'll regret it though. Just saying.)**

**So yeah, this is supposed to be Valkyrie's Georgia-style diary, featuring Caelan as the Sex God, Hansard as the Love God and Fletcher as Dave the Laugh. Many many many thanks to the vair vair marvy Reia Kellyn for all her help with this! :D**

* * *

_**I may never be able to look baby Jesus in the eye again**_

**Saturday July 16th  
11.45 pm  
**So here is my fabulous life.

I am probably going to destroy the world at some point.

There are two homeless zombies sleeping underneath my bed, and I don't know how to get rid of them.

I seem to have accidentally acquired two boyfriends.

**12.00 pm  
**Thrasher and Scapegrace are still refusing to move. They say that going to live underneath my snuggly bed of pain was quite literally the best idea they'd ever had (and I'm sure they have not had many, bless their little zombie souls.) Apparently I have a vair soft carpet and my radiator is much better than the one in the Penguinmobile.

Ah well, who am I to complain about sharing my worldly goods with the less fortunate? I'm sure this is what Baby Jesus would want me to do. And also the Luurve God is ringing me, so I don't have time to argue with them right now.

**Five minutes later  
**Oh triple poo and _merde_. The LG will be here in quite literally one minute, and I have two zombies under my bed.

And they are not fragrant.

**One minute later  
**Got some of Mum's Dior and sprayed it around the room. The smell isn't so bad now, but Thrasher and Scapegrace are still in fact under my bed, which means that when the Luurve God arrives they will be there to witness the ensuing snogathon.

Erlack.

**Two minutes later  
**I tried to bribe them to leave with Midget Gems, but Scapegrace put his foot down with a firm hand. He said, 'We're not going anywhere, I haven't been in a place like this in months.'

I said, 'You mean, a teenage girl's bedroom?'

He said, 'No... a place with central heating.'

Good point, well made.

I said, 'But my boyfriend will be here in a minute.'

He said, 'We won't get in the way of your rendezvous, we promise. It'll be like we're not even here.'

I still wasn't convinced, but then Thrasher said, 'Can't you go somewhere else?'

Scapegrace said, 'Yeah, leave the place to us.'

I said, 'To do what?' and Thrasher went bright red like a zombie tomato. Scapegrace looked annoyed and elbowed him in the stomach. Vair amusant.

I said, 'Don't worry, you two homosexualists you, your secret is safe with me.'

Scapegrace looked a bit panicky. 'Nooo, we're not - '

Then I had a flash of geniosity. 'On one condition.'

'What?' said Thrasher worriedly.

I said, 'That you vacate my bedroom.'

**Four minutes later  
**Oh joy unbounded, they are gone! Well, they're in the airing cupboard, but you take what you can get. Hopefully my mutti will not decide to do a spot of impromptu towel-folding while they are in there.

**Two hours later  
**All snuggly on the sofa with the Luurve God. We ended up going to Gordon's in case my mum found us, which was a bit of a waste of all the effort I put in to ridding my room of the smell of decaying flesh, but ah well.

Mmmm, he is an excellent snogger. He has a vair marvy nip-libbling technique. I am probably going to get lipache now but devil take the hindmost, it will be worth it!

He's quite a good laugh as well. You know, when I can actually understand enough of what he's saying to have a good laugh.

**One minute later  
**What does 'prithee' even mean, anyway?

**At home in my bed  
**Well that was enjoyable, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Hmm, I can hear a rustling sound coming from the bush outside my window. I wonder what that is? Probably Hannah Foley's sad baldy dog.

**Two minutes later**  
The rustling noise is getting annoying. I think I may open my window and accidentally throw a fireball at the bush. Nothing wrong with setting fire to the odd bit of shrubbery, sure Moses did it and everybody thinks he is great.

**Fifteen minutes later  
**I have done something so vair vair wrong and shameful that I will not be mentioning it this side of the grave.

I should just go into hiding, like the Hermit of Rheims. I will never be able to look Baby Jesus in the eye again.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be satisfied with one extremely hot boy? Why do I need to have two?

Oh Gott in Himmel. I have got the Cosmic Horn.

Why?

**Twenty minutes later  
**Aha, I know. I will call the Hornmeister and ask him for advice. Even though it is four in the morning, he will probably answer because he has no life outside me.

**One hour later  
**Rang Fletcher.

'Fletcher.'

'Bonsoir.'

'I need help.'

'You don't need to tell me that, love.'

I was offended, but I decided to put it aside. 'Caelan is stalking me.'

'I knew it was only a matter of time.'

'He was hiding in my garden. I think he's still there.'

'Do you want me to teleport him into the ocean?'

'Erm... no, it's OK, thanks.'

There was a few minutes of silence. Then he said, 'Oh, Valkyrie, you saucy minx. Don't you think it's time you put your Horn away?'

'What do you mean?'

'You snogged him, didn't you?'

'What?'

'You snogged him. And you would probably like to snog him again. Which is why you won't let me drown him. Am I right?'

I sort of sagged. 'Yes.'

'That isn't good, Val.'

'I know.'

'He's a vampire.'

'I know.'

'He might eat you.'

'I know.'

'And you already have a boyfriend, who cuts a fine figure in a cape.'

'I know.'

'So why did you snog him?'

'I don't know. I'm confused. It's not my fault, really. I don't know how I'm supposed to know this stuff.'

He said, 'It's called a moral code and most people are born with it.'

Ouch.

Then he said, 'But if you need some extra experience, I'm here for you.'

I said, 'Experience of what?'

I could quite literally hear him smirking. 'Anything you like.'

And he has the nerve to call me a minx. Not that I would mind having a few experiences with him. He is not a bad-looking guy. Quite the opposite, in fact. Actually, I think he could easily be Luurve God level -

Nooo! Shut up, brain! I have enough on my plate without getting the Horn for Fletcher as well.

I said, 'Okay, shut up, bye.'

He said, 'You really are a charming girl, aren't you? Sweet dreams.' And he hung up.

Well, that phone call achieved absolutely nothing except adding another guy to my list of prospective snoggees, which quite frankly is more than long enough already.

PANTS.

**Sunday July 17th  
12 pm  
**Just woken up. The sun is sunning and the birds are birding. God's creatures (aka Hannah Foley's sad and baldy dog) are gambolling in the fresh morning air. It's a good day to be alive, I should think.

Oooh. What is that tapping on my window?

**Three minutes later  
**It's a pigeon. With a note attached to its leg. Oh dear Gott in Himmel, this better not be a blackmail letter. Or a ransom note. I am telling you this for free, I have had my fill of blackmail letters and ransom notes.

**Five minutes later  
**Well, it wasn't a blackmail letter or a ransom note. It was a letter from the Luurve God.

_My beloved Valkyrie,_

_Not even all the stars in the firmament smushed together into one big star could possibly compare to your beauty, my darling. Thou art sublime, a queen among women. That is why it breaks my love-drowned heart to draw forth these grievous words from my quill._

_I can be with you no longer, my dark star, my sumptuous peach. Yesterday my father discovered the truth about our illicit romance. He absolutely forbids me to seest thou again, my sweet orchid, and I have to go along with him if I want to inherit his company when he finally kicks the bucket._

_Your loving and ever sorrowful_

_Hansard_

...Why?

**Half an hour later  
**Why, why and thrice-io why?

**One minute later  
**And I'll just say this.

Why?

**Five minutes later  
**I realize I already have two other potential snoggees on my luuurve radar, but I really did like the Luurve God. And his nip-libbling technique was ace.

Or was that the Sex God?

**Two minutes later  
**Actually I think that may have been Fletcher.

Never mind. What I am trying to say is, he was a good snogger. (The Luurve God that is, not Fletcher.)

**Four minutes later  
**But Fletcher wasn't half bad either.

Shut up brain.

The point is, I am sort of back in Heartbreak Hotel.

In the ex-snoggee suite.

**Twenty minutes later  
**Alice is asleep, and she looks so gorgey when she is unconscious. Oh Alice, my darling little sister. I hope no boy ever dumps you via carrier pigeon.

Actually, if there is one thing you need to know, Alice, it's to never trust any member of the male species. They are all bounders and cads. Except for our beloved vati, of course. Whose eye you nearly took out this morning with a plastic spoon.

**Ten minutes later  
**The memory of the plastic spoon incident has cheered me up slightly, but I am no longer as filled with happiness and _joie de vivre _as I was this morning. I no longer see Hannah Foley's poodle thing as one of God's creatures. I see it for what it is. A mad, hairless poodle. With an annoying bark.

**Five minutes later  
**I will get my revenge on Hansard Kray. I will make him rue the day he said, 'He absolutely forbids me to seest thou again, my sweet orchid, and I have to go along with him if I want to inherit his company when he finally kicks the bucket.'

**Later in the afternoon  
**I was lounging around in the ex-snoggee suite, trying to ignore the smell of zombie when Fletcher rang.

'Hi.'

'Hi.'

'Why are you ringing me?'

'For a chat.'

'Fletcher, we are not old ladies.'

'You don't have to be an old lady to have a chat with someone.'

'Whatever, go back to your knitting.'

'You may laugh now, but you won't be laughing when you find out that I was, in fact, knitting you a scarf, and now I won't be giving it to you. So there.'

'Really?'

'No.'

'Okay.'

'So what's up?'

'Nothing. Hansard dumped me via carrier pigeon.'

'Well that takes him off your hands, then, doesn't it?'

'Er, what do you mean?'

'Because you were feeling all guilty about cheating on him, and now he's dumped you. That must be a relief.'

'Not really.'

'Well, all's fair in love and war, as the Bird of Avon once famously said.'

I sighed. 'I suppose.'

'If you want, I could come over and give you a snog to cheer you up.'

'Fletcher, I have just been through a traumatic breakup.'

'That's the point. It'll cheer you up.'

'Oh, very funny.'

'Sorry. I was only joking.' He paused. 'You really are upset about this, aren't you?'

I suddenly kind of felt like blubbing. 'Yes.'

He said, 'All right. I'm coming over.'

**4.35 pm  
**I cannot BELIEVE myself.

I am the Whore of Babylon.

Within the last twenty-four hours, I have snogged three blokes. Why can't I control my Cosmic Horn?

**Five minutes later  
**Oh well, no time to ruminate. I have two zombies to remove from the airing cupboard.

This should be fun.

Not.


	50. Muffinlight

**Hello again. I know a lot of you found the last chapter confusing, sorry about that! (I'm still probably going to write a sequel though. It was just so fun.) Anyway, until then, have a Kenny thing.**

In an alleyway in Dublin, on a slightly humid but otherwise nice day, Kenny was slowly regaining consciousness. He winced at the memory of what had just happened to him. That skeleton had a mean right hook. Every part of him ached. Suddenly, his plan to expose magic to the world via his biography of Valkyrie Cain didn't seem like such an appealing idea any more.

It had been an excellent biography, too. He'd secretly gotten friendly with Valkyrie's reflection, who'd found a way to give him access to all of Valkyrie's memories. After seeing them all, he felt almost like he'd lived her life. He used the memories to write the most detailed, accurate biography ever written. He'd left nothing out, not even the (many) bits where Valkyrie was in the shower. He especially liked the love triangle with the vampire and the Teleporter - it was like Twilight, except true. The teenage girls would love it. They'd all be wearing Team Fletcher and Team Caelan T-shirts before you could say 'paranormal romance.' Kenny would be a rich, rich man.

At least, that was the plan. That day, he'd stupidly gone to see Cain and Pleasant to tell them about the book. They'd read some of the completed manuscript. Then Cain had burned it, just like that, with a click of her fingers, and the two of them had proceeded to beat him up and throw him forcibly out of the house.

He groaned and rubbed his back. They were so unneccessarily violent. He thought of his precious manuscript, the biggest scoop of his life... now a pile of ashes. Tears came to his eyes, and he let them fall. He couldn't wipe them away because he was pretty sure his arm was broken.

Suddenly, he heard glorious music - like a choir of angels singing. The alleyway was filled with a blinding light, and he saw a girl walking towards him. The light faded to a heavenly glow, and he recognized the girl's face.

"Muffin?" she offered in an Australian accent.

It was Myra. He'd seen her in Valkyrie's memories. Funny - she'd looked much uglier then.

"No, thanks," said Kenny weakly. "You're Fletcher Renn's girlfriend, aren't you?"

She beamed. "Yes." Then frowned. "How do you know?"

"I'm acquainted with Valkyrie Cain," he said, and grimaced. Speaking was painful. "Sort of. She just beat me up."

"Oh, you poor thing," she said, big brown eyes widening in sympathy. "Is it very painful?"

"Well... yeah. But I suppose I deserved it," he said reluctantly, then thought back to his burnt manuscript and his eyes filled with tears again.

Myra sat down beside him and gave him a packet of Kleenex. "Tell me."

Kenny hesitated, but there was something so kind, genuine and non-judgemental about her eyes that he felt like he could tell her anything. "Well," he said, using his non-broken arm to wipe his eyes, "I'm mortal, like you - a reporter. I found out about magic about a year ago, and I decided to write a book about Valkyrie's life and publish it for everyone to read, so the whole world would know about magic. I'd never really uncovered a big story before, but this was going to be _huge._ I finished the manuscript yesterday, and I brought it here to show Valkyrie and Skulduggery, and they - they - " The lump in his throat rose again. "They burned it. Then they beat me up." He burst into tears.

Myra patted his arm, gingerly, so as not to hurt it. "There, there. I'm so sorry about your manuscript. That must have been awful for you. After all the hard work you put in..."

"Yeah..."

"But magic _is _supposed to be a secret, isn't it? That's what Fletcher told me."

"Well, that's what the mages want," sniffled Kenny, "but do you think that's fair? All this magic stuff - it's so amazing. And they're keeping it from us. It's a huge conspiracy. The public have a right to know the truth!"

"And I suppose you would've got a lot of money out of telling it to them," said Myra.

"Well, yeah," said Kenny, "but can you blame me? I'm a shite reporter, Myra. Or at least, everyone thinks I'm shite. I cover all the weird little stories, the quirky ones, the ones that never make it onto the front page. Stuff like that 'ghost boy' - who I'm guessing is now your boyfriend - who was seen disappearing into thin air outside three different nightclubs. Stuff like the pack of monsters who were seen running through Haggard, chasing a twelve-year-old girl, who I see has now blossomed into an incredibly violent young woman. Stuff no-one else took seriously. But me? I _knew... _I knew it all had to add up to something. And I was right. I've uncovered this huge secret that will finally get me the recognition I deserve, and now I can't tell anyone. I have to go back to my terribly paid job at the newspaper, find something else to report on, die a failure, in obscurity. This was supposed to be my big break, Myra. And now... now it's gone." Kenny burst into a fresh flood of tears.

Myra's own eyes brimmed with tears of sympathy, and she gave him a hug. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Kenny looked at her thoughtfully, wiping his eyes again. Was there? After all, she had quite an interesting story of her own - not quite as exciting as Valkyrie's, maybe, but exciting enough. The mortal girl who'd been living an ordinary life until she'd gotten trapped in a burning building and a mysterious, hot Ghost Boy had teleported her to safety. And as an added bonus, the Ghost Boy wasn't even made of ectoplasm, so they could still shift and everything. It was a win-win situation.

"Actually," he said, "maybe there is..."

Half an hour later, they were at Fletcher's penthouse apartment in Australia.

"You want to write a book about me?" he said, eyes shining.

"Well," said Kenny carefully, "_technically _Myra would be the main character, but you'd be the real star, Fletcher. To the book's mostly female readership, anyway."

Fletcher folded his arms. "OK, it sounds tempting, but I can't let you expose the secret of magic. You think _you_ got badly beaten up? It's nothing compared to what would happen to _me._"

"Nonsense," said Kenny. "Valkyrie wouldn't want to ruin your pretty face. Trust me, I've seen her memories. But I _can _present the book as a work of fiction, if you want. All I'd have to do is change your names... hmm, what about Bella and Edward?"

"No," said Myra and Fletcher as one.

"Katniss and Peeta?"

"No."

"Clary and Jace?"

"No."

Kenny was running out of young adult urban fantasy couples. "Mickey and Minnie?"

"No!"

"Fine, give me some suggestions," Kenny snapped.

A dreamy look came over Fletcher's face. "Well, when I was younger, I always wanted to be called Fletcher... oh, wait. Never mind."

"Well, what was your name before you changed it to Fletcher?" Kenny asked him impatiently.

Fletcher went red.

"Go on, tell us," said Kenny, intrigued now.

Fletcher mumbled something inaudible.

"Louder," said Kenny.

"Norman."

"Norman?" echoed Myra and Kenny incredulously.

"Yes!" he snapped. "My name was Norman! Go on! Ridicule me!"

Myra slipped an arm around him. "I'd never ridicule you."

He looked at her gratefully. "I'm so glad you're not Valkyrie."

Kenny cleared his throat. "I'm afraid Norman isn't quite the sexy and romantic name I had in mind for my male lead. Maybe I'll go with something else... like Kenny."

Myra and Fletcher just looked at him.

"No?" said Kenny. "Fine, fine. God, you two are so hard to please. OK, Myra, what would your dream man be called?"

"Fletcher," said Myra.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," he sighed. "_Besides _Fletcher."

"Erm..." Myra struggled to think. "Casper?"

"Casper?" said Kenny.

"Casper?" said Fletcher.

"What?" she said defensively. "I think it's a nice name."

"Actually, I can see it working," said Kenny. "Casper the Sexy Ghost. I think I'll go with that. Now we just need a name for Myra. Any ideas?"

"Olive," said Fletcher.

"Olive?" said Kenny. "Why Olive?"

"Because I like olives," said Fletcher.

Kenny looked at Myra.

"I'm happy with Olive," she said.

Kenny shrugged and wrote it down. "OK, then. The beautiful love story of Casper and Olive. Now I just need you, Myra, to tell me the story of how you met Fletcher, and I'll write it down, and _voila_." He smiled. "Instant young adult bestseller."

Three weeks later, the book was almost finished. Kenny had considered adding Caelan in, or possibly an attractive werewolf, to create an incredibly original love triangle, but he had a feeling Fletcher would object so he decided not to. Instead, he added in Casper's jealous, leather-clad ex-girlfriend Valerie to add a bit of drama and violence to the story. Then he decided on a title - _Muffinlight - _and sent it off to nineteen different publishers.

Just three days later, he got a letter from one of them.

Dear Mr. Dunne,

We at Generic Books were very impressed by your novel, _Muffinlight_. A normal girl meeting a hot, mysterious boy who introduces her to the secret world of magic? Groundbreaking! We have never, in all our years of publishing young adult fiction, seen a novel with that plotline before. We predict it will be the next _Twilight_, except better, because it has muffins in it.

We would be delighted to publish your novel, and would take you on for a sequel (or several) if you choose to write them. Please meet us at our office in London for further discussion.

Yours sincerely,  
Pamela Spratt

Soon enough, he received letters from the other eighteen publishers, all saying more or less the same thing - they all wanted _Muffinlight. _Kenny thought long and hard about the decision, taking everything into consideration. Eventually he chose Generic Books, because he'd looked Pamela Spratt up on Facebook and she was surprisingly hot for someone called Pamela Spratt.

Soon enough, _Muffinlight _had a cover - a picture of two hands holding a muffin, like the cover of _Twilight_ except with a muffin instead of an apple - and the following blurb.

_"I knew three things about Casper. One, he was a Teleporter. Two, there was a part of him - and I didn't know how strong that part might be - that could teleport. And three - I was completely and irrevocably in love with him."_

It also had a few words of praise from other authors:

_"Almost as good as my own books" - Derek Landy_

_"Amazing. I wish I'd written it. Actually, for some reason, I kind of feel like I already have" - Stephenie Meyer_

But Kenny's favourite part of the cover was the words KENNY DUNNE written in large letters across the bottom.

Then the book was printed and distributed to bookshops all over the world. It was an overnight sensation. Almost immediately, it had a fandom to rival Twilight's. Girls were walking around in T-shirts saying TEAM OLIVE and - less frequently - TEAM VALERIE. There were ferocious shipping wars between the Colive shippers and the Casperie shippers. The books sold like hotcakes and more had to printed. After one month, Kenny was a millionaire. His time had finally come.

Unfortunately, not everyone was so pleased.

Three months after _Muffinlight _first hit the shelves, Kenny was relaxing in his new penthouse apartment in Dublin. It was almost as fancy as Fletcher's, but unfortunately it was lacking a couch shaped like an ice-cream sandwich like the one Fletcher had in his living room (Kenny had looked everywhere, but he couldn't find one.) So he was lying on his ordinary, boring, couch-shaped couch and watching _Irish Celebrity Meltdowns _on his ninety-six inch flatscreen TV when Fletcher, Myra and Valkyrie appeared out of thin air in front of him.

"Can I help you?" Kenny asked, somewhat startled. He muted the TV.

"Oh, is that Irish Celebrity Meltdowns?" Fletcher asked, turning around, but Valkyrie pulled him back to face Kenny. "Focus, Fletcher, focus."

"We're here about _Muffinlight," _said Fletcher. "We think we should be getting some of the royalties."

"What?" said Kenny. "But you gave me permission to use your story. And I didn't even use your real names."

"Yeah, but there's a picture of us on the back cover," said Fletcher. "And anyway, you've become a millionaire just from writing down everything Myra told you and turning into a book. Technically, you didn't even write that book. She did."

Kenny looked at Myra, who was glowing with her usual heavenly light. "I thought you were too saintly to care about material things like money," he said to her.

"I wouldn't," said Myra apologetically, "but I _am _a college student, and it_ is _a recession. We don't want much, just like two per cent of the royalties. Do you think that would be fair?"

Kenny hesitated, but it was very hard to refuse Myra. It would have been like giving a wedgie to Mother Teresa. "OK, fine," he said, and took out his chequebook, scribbled the cheque and handed it to her.

"Thank you so much," she said with such genuine gratitude it made him want to cry.

"Welcome," he said gruffly. "Now why is _she_ here?" he demanded, looking warily at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie folded her arms. She was wearing her usual skintight black leather, and her boots looked especially pointy and dangerous. He remembered the damage they'd done to him a few months previously. "I don't like the way you portrayed me in _Muffinlight."_

Kenny tried to play dumb. "What? But you weren't in _Muffinlight."_

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. "I'm not stupid, Kenny. Valerie, Casper's violent ex-girlfriend who was jealous of Olive and wore leather the whole time? It doesn't take a genius to work out that she was based on me."

Kenny picked up a copy of _Muffinlight_ and pointed to the disclaimer on the inside cover. "Any similarities to any person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental."

"Kenny, don't make me beat you up again," Valkyrie sighed.

Kenny gulped. "OK, OK. It's too late to make any changes to _Muffinlight_... but I'm currently working on the sequel, _New Muffin_, where Olive nearly chokes to death on one of her own muffins and Casper thinks she's dead, so he throws himself off a cliff."

"Wow, this series got dark very fast," Fletcher commented.

"Well, anyway, Valerie saves him by grabbing him and pulling him back just as he's about to jump, and while Olive is in hospital recovering from... er... throat damage, they get to be friends again despite their traumatic breakup where Valerie cheated on him with a vampire named Covo - "

"Covo?" said Valkyrie, frowning.

"Yeah, he was a chav vampire."

"...Right."

"So then," Kenny continued, "Casper has to choose between her and Olive."

"Well, I know who I'd choose," Valkyrie muttered, earning her a hurt look from Myra.

"So who _does_ he choose?" Fletcher asked, looking worried.

"Can't tell you," said Kenny. "Spoilers. My point is, I may have portrayed Valerie in a slightly negative light in _Muffinlight, _but she completely redeems herself in _New Muffin. _So don't worry. Now, are we all happy?"

"I suppose," said Valkyrie sulkily.

"Me too," said Myra, but as the others turned to leave she leaned over to him and whispered, "He _does _end up with me though, doesn't he?"

"Of course," Kenny whispered back. "Colive is endgame."

Myra smiled, and all three of them vanished.


	51. Muffinlight: The Movie

**A/N: I am SO sorry I abandoned this for so long. This shall be my comeback chapter. (It's a bit of a pathetic excuse for a chapter actually but I just missed writing this!) As always, if you are new to this story and considering reading it from the beginning, can I just advise you - don't. **

It was two months after the release of young adult bestseller _New Muffin, _the second book in theMuffinlight series, and Kenny Dunne was already a rich, rich man. Someone bought one of his books approximately every three seconds, so every three seconds another fiver would go into his bank account. These days, one of Kenny's favourite hobbies was to count to three and then chuckle smugly to himself. It was a hobby that had lost him quite a lot of friends, but what did Kenny care? He was rich.

He happened to be chuckling smugly to himself when the phone rang. He composed himself and answered it. It was his sexy but unfortunately named agent, Pamela Spratt. "Hey, Kenny."

"Hey Pamela," said Kenny. "What's up?"

"The sky," said Pamela and they both laughed hysterically. They were well suited to each other.

"Oh, Pamela, you are such a scream," said Kenny when they had both calmed down.

"I know," said Pamela. "I don't know where I get these things, I really don't. Anyway, I have some exciting news! Generic Films - the people behind Twilight -want to make Muffinlight into a movie!"

Kenny's eyes widened. "A movie? Are you serious?"

"Yep," said Pamela happily. "A whole series of movies, hopefully. They think it could do even better than Twilight, because it has muffins in it. What do you say? Do you want to hand over the movie rights?"

"Of course!" said Kenny. "I love Generic Films. They did such an amazing job with Twilight. When can I sign the contract?"

"As soon as possible," said Pamela. "I'll let you know."

A month later, open auditions for _Muffinlight _were being held in Croke Park in Dublin. Thousands of people waited to get in. Some of them were reciting lines from the books to each other. Others were frantically eating muffins to make themselves feel more connected to Olive's character. There were so many people that the queues had disintegrated and just become one massive crowd. It was chaos.

Valkyrie Cain barged impatiently through the crowd, making good use of her elbows. She was nearly at the front when she felt her left one collide with someone's face. It definitely wasn't the first person she'd elbowed in the face that day, but this person felt weirdly familiar. Almost as if she'd elbowed them in the face before. She turned. It was Fletcher.

She frowned. "What are _you _doing here?"

He glared at her and rubbed his face. "That's going to leave a mark, you know. On the very day I'm relying on my beauty the most. Thanks, Val."

"Are you auditioning?"

"Why else would I be here?" He narrowed his eyes. "Are _you _auditioning?"

She sighed and looked away, embarrassed. "Yes. I'm auditioning for Valerie. Since she's basically me, I reckon I'm pretty much guaranteed to get the part, and I've always kind of had dreams of Hollywood. Just don't tell anyone."

He nodded. "That's why I'm auditioning, too. Except I'm auditioning for Casper, obviously. Not Valerie."

"Thanks for the clarification."

"I think I should get it, no problem. I mean, Casper is me, just like Valerie is you. Besides, I have experience in showbusiness."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I was in an apple juice ad when I was three. I got the part because I was the cutest."

"I need to see this ad."

"It's not on Youtube," said Fletcher sadly. "I checked. I used to have it on a videotape but I didn't bring it with me when I ran away from home."

"It would've been it a bit weird if you did. So where's Myra?"

Fletcher frowned. "Um, haven't you heard?"

"Heard what?" said Valkyrie. "Is she dead?" she added hopefully.

"We broke up because she stabbed me."

"Muffin girl stabbed you?"

"Yep. Here." He showed her the scar.

"Oh well," said Valkyrie. "I suppose she had to snap sometime. It must be hard, always being nice. That's why I don't bother."

"She was a hired assassin all along. Can you believe that?"

Feeling an uncharacteristic wave of sympathy for him, Valkyrie hugged him. "I'm sorry about your crap life."

He hugged her back. "So am I, Val. So am I."

He let go of her. She kept hugging him. He frowned.

"Erm, Val?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you clinging to me like a love-starved koala?"

She let go and stepped back. "Sorry, it's just, you're really hot and you smell nice and I haven't gotten the shift in almost a year. Hey - is that Lana del Rey?"

Fletcher turned around and saw the beautiful auburn-haired woman she was looking at. "Actually... I think that's Scapegrace."

Valkyrie squinted. "Oh my God. Oh my God, it is. What is _he _doing here? What part could he possibly be auditioning for?"

Fletcher shrugged. "He might make an alright Olive."

"He looks _nothing _like Myra!"

"I didn't say Myra," Fletcher corrected her haughtily. "I said Olive."

"They're the same person!"

"Not anymore," Fletcher said darkly, and turned away.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, and looked again. "Hey, Thrasher is with him! God, he's hot. And I never thought I would say that about Thrasher."

"Wow, you _are _desperate."

Valkyrie punched his shoulder.

"He does look good though," Fletcher admitted. "Hey, maybe he could play me! In the unlikely event that I don't get the part, of course."

Valkyrie turned back to the front. "This is so weird."

A frazzled-looking security guard opened the gate and gestured for Fletcher to go through. Fletcher stepped through it, then glanced back at Valkyrie. "See you later."

Valkyrie nodded. "Wanna hook up after this?"

He paused. "Hmmm. Maybe. I'll call you." And the gate closed.

Three hours later, the two of them sat gloomily in Pizza Hut, picking at their garlic bread. "I can't believe neitherof us even got a callback," Valkyrie said. "I mean, those roles were literally made for us. Are we that shit at acting that we can't even play ourselves?"

"The guy said my performance made him feel physically sick," Fletcher said sadly. "But he was the one who told me to pretend to be an embryo. Why couldn't it have been something I'm good at, like a badger? You love my badger impressions."

"He made _me _be a fork," Valkyrie scowled. "Then after I did some of Valerie's lines, he told me that I wasn't suited to the character. The character of _myself._"

"He said he remembered my apple juice ad," said Fletcher. "He said it was his least favourite ad ever."

Valkyrie leaned her chin on her hand. "Ah, well. I suppose we're just not suited to showbusiness. I'd rather be a detective, anyway."

Fletcher nodded. "And I suppose I can stick to bank robbing." He sighed. "I really did want to be in that movie though. After my modelling career fell through, it was my one chance at fame."

"Aww, poor Fletchichetchi." She reached for his hand across the table. "Maybe I can cheer you up?" she added innocently.

He sighed. "Valkyrie, desperation does not suit you."

"Does it suit anyone?" she retorted.

Fletcher shugged. "I think it kind of works for me. It's how I got Myra, after all. Actually, no, wait... she was paid to do that. Never mind."

Valkyrie stood up, sighing. "Just take me back to your place."

"Fine," he said and took her hand. Just before they vanished, he said, "Hey, I wonder who _did _get those parts?"

Meanwhile, in the Penguinmobile, Thrasher and Scapegrace waited anxiously by the phone. Finally, it rang, and they both jumped and made a grab for it. Scapegrace got it first and pressed it to his ear. "Hello?" he said in a quivering voice.

It kept ringing.

"Er, Master," said Thrasher timidly, "you need to press the answer button."

"I knew that," said Scapegrace and pressed it. He put the phone back to his ear and said "Hello? Yes, yes, this is Vaurien Scapegrace. Mm-hmm... mm-hmm... yes. Yes. What? Really? Oh my God! Thank you!" He did a little dance of jubilation, then calmed down and went back to talking on the phone. "Yes. Absolutely. Sure. See you tomorrow, then. And Thrasher. Bye!"

"Did we get the parts?" Thrasher asked, wide-eyed.

"No, idiot," Scapegrace snapped, "I'm doing a happy dance because we DIDN'T get the parts."

Thrasher looked crushed. "Really?"

"No, Thrasher. That was sarcasm."

There was a pause. "So... we _did _get the parts?"

Scapegrace sighed. "Yes, Thrasher. I'll be playing Olive in the movie, and you will be my Casper!"

Thrasher shrieked with joy and launched himself at Scapegrace. They clung to each other and danced around the Penguinmobile, which lurched around dangerously, but they didn't notice.

"Hollywood, here we come!"


End file.
